Journaling from the hospital

August 29th, 2004

I sit here in this place that makes me feel less than human, wondering how they could do this to anyone, not just me. Its inhumane, unjust, unkind, uncaring. I'm not sure what my next step is, but I'm trying to be calm although I still have much anger. I don't know what to do, how do I get my meds. how do I find follow up aftercare, part of this is the reason I'm here in the first place. I know I messed up. Bad, I don't deserve to be yelled at, like she did, noone does. I don't want to end up in another hospital, I don't want to kill myself. I find this so upsetting. The nurses talk about you like you aren't there. Its unreal. How does one survive here? how does one cope? I don't know where to go from here. I'm not sure what the next step is.

I AM STILL ALIVE

Ok.. I'm here, what more can you ask for? Lots, I did try to kill myself, apparently unsuccessfully, and I went to the quote on quote "nut ward" for a week. It was the most horrible place I've been so far in my life. They people there, where not helpful, no one on one therapy, and most people there didn't care much about the patients. I'm still lost. They basically kicked me out, didn't care if I had meds, and told my aunt and others I was uncooperative, which was untrue. Though, I did constantly bitch because the one nurse gave me a hard time, because I was going to call home for tampons, and she told me I wasn't allowed, although its not on the contraband list. I was extremely pissed, mostly because they took their sweet ass time over 30 hours I believe to give me my birth control pills after my aunt brought them. I have no insurance, so I have no follow up care, and am so lost and confused. While there, I did meet a few nice people, but the bad outweighed the good.

At one point during my hospital stay, I asked, P. back out (or EPB), for what reason I don't know, probably because I love him, but... I don't understand or anything... how to stop the relationship. I love and care for him.. and don't want to hurt him, yet I feel its time for me to move on. Today.. has been completely mind blowing, in a confusing way.. Share more about that in a minute. I first want to retype a letter I wrote to T, while in my stay, and some brief journaling that I did, while I was there, and some I did earlier today. While in the hospital, I got ahold of T., he called me back, and we chitchatted, but... when I was letting him go, he was like... hey... and I was like .. yeah.. and he said he loved me. I wasn't sure how to take it, and still not 100% about it, but... all i said back was... thank you. I was stunned, .. .. but.. it felt good at the same time. Lately I've been feeling close to him, he's brought me happiness, and talking with him, helps me sort things out, and has helped me realize alot. Especially the fact that... well, I've realized, though I'm depressed, well... I've always felt.. that well I've never been happy, but realized, because of talking with T. that.. I do have moments of happiness and that is what I need to hold on to.

August 28th, 2004

Dear T.,
So much is going thru my head right now, mostly that you just said you loved me. I love you so much, as a friend. That is the part that confuses me so much. You were a good support to me this last week before I tried to kill myself. You made me laugh. You made me smiile. You brought life into what I was making death. I still am looking forward to meeting you. You are a great guy! I know you are looking for a gf and part of me wonders what if? But I'm having a hard time with my feelings because I truely do love Peter. As you have been a great support, he has also, its just relationships are really hard for me.
I don't know how much pyschology you've read or believe, but I have Borderline Personality Disorder, Just a name for how I act, is what I believe. In a relationship, I push away and if you go away, I cry. I ask for forgiveness, and as soon as I get close again, I push away. Its really hard on me and whomever I'm dating and it takes years to work on and change Borderline habits. I'm hoping that my insurance will help get me into DBT or CBT groups. These help change actions and reactions to different stimuli.
I don't know if you remember me saying to you that when I met Peter, I didn't think it would work out. I didn't. I had it in my head, right now my mind is clearer, but on of those things on my mindwastthat thought of you, and that we wouldn't be right together. Wrong place, wrong time. Just too much going on with me, but I hope you stay by my side as a friend, because I need you more than ever. I want to be able to be there for you. I want to hear some of your stories and find out what you are all about.
I'm very sleepy now so I'm off to bed, but Please know that I love you , also.
Pare of me was hurting and I thought you had abandoned me. That is a mix of my neediness and my ever changing overreacting mood swings.

Love,
Julie

Its Monday

The last day. Plans have changed, but none the same, the end is the same, so it doesn't matter. I feel a peace, although, I feel neither happy nor sad.

My life

I sit here, contemplating... what to do. I have beer, cookies, and lots of pills. Should I? or shouldn't I? The only thing that scares me is the fact that I don't do it right. I figure, that 12 Imitrex, could cause a heart attack, thats all I have, well, plus the one I had earlier... plus some other stuff, but we will see. I'm all alone. P. left, we did break up last week, but... I do love him so much. I thought I made some new friends, one just turned out to be a creap, and the other, I'm not sure, if he's just afraid, or what. Either way, the one, I don't really need in my life, but, T. He's really sweet, helped me alot in the last few weeks, and now my heart, hurts so much, for so many reasons. I know I would just hurt him, partly because I love P., but... partly cuz he said, that.. well he asked me, what if he becomes attached, and that he couldn't find fault in being needy, as he is needy too. It didn't turn me off, but I don't think he would ever have enough time for me. Part of me is trapped, trapped in this thing with P. , which isn't completely bad, but I need so much more. He's a great guy, and I know, if I decide to do this... thing, to kill myself, then.. he will blame himself, his parents, and everyone.

I've been asking for help. I really want to go in the hospital, I don't know how to do it. I guess I've asked the wrong people for help. I don't know what to do. I guess, well I don't even know what to do.. except sit here..and wonder, who cares.... if anyone. They would only care, when I'm gone, and thats too late.

Part of me is hesistating now, because.. I love my daughter so much, what will this do to her. I really wished I could of bought a gun, so much easier..... less of a failure rate. I dunno... I just need help. Someone, please help me!!

Plans

I have plans.. plans for my life. or whats left. Noone will even know. That makes it better. Then noone can stop me.