Went out last nite. Had a great time. Went with my new friend M., first to a Greek Restaurant, which was cozy and wonderful. I had veal with mushrooms(yuck) and artichoke hearts(first time for everything again.. but not the best thing in the world) with some pasta.. which tasted great. Also tried grape leaves, which were really really wierd. After that went to the mall, got some Italian ice cream, gelato I think its called, peanut butter... it was great.. yummy (so much for the diet.. hahah) walked around the mall (my feet are killing me.. lol -damn high heels) went to Electronic Boutique, one of my fav places in the mall. Didn't really see any new games out though. Had a good deal on Cruise Ship Tycoon though, 15 dollars I think. I wish I had money to spend on a new game... like I need a new game. Then.. after that, thought we could catch at 9 o'clock movie, so went to I think its called On Cue... its a music place right by the theatre and checked out the music. Went to the theatre only to find out the movie didn't start till 10. So.. we decided to buy our tickets, and he was out of ideas, So I suggested we go hang at Wally World.. lol (Wal-Mart). So we browsed the toys, played with a few, sword faught, and talked about stories of the good ole days.. and I told him stories of my daughter.. and stuff like that. It was fun. Then we went and watched the movie, Big Fish. Good Movie!! Two Thumbs up.. hehehe.. It was both funny and romantic, wasn't expecting the romantic part. Good film for both chics and guys.. lol. Well.. after the movie.. I went to the bathroom.. (of course) and went to wash my hands.. and they had auto faucets.. AUTO my ass.. they wouldn't work. So i came out.. (with soap in my hand.. and was like M. any men in that bathroom. ... he was like no.. I went in the mens.. and it wouldn't work either. I was ticked.. LIke what the hell.. NO running water? So.. I came out and there was the water fountain..and he suggested i rinse there.. and so I did.. so if you ever taste soap.. blame it on someone like me.. lol SO after that I was looking for the manager.. and No.. employers were anywhere.. what luck
blah All is well that ends well.. It was a great nite!!
Sooo.. although last nite I didn't get much sleep because I had to get up very early to take my gram to my Uncle (great) Alvin's funeral, I'm doing alright. In pretty good spirits. Thought about guns, but no suicidal intentions. No cuttings. Was glad to see family I hadn't seen in years. I was lucky. Got pulled over by a police man for not having a inspection sticker, and he realized I had Kansas plates and apoligized for his mistake and let me go. Thank God. Because I don't have insurance on my car, and would of been in big trouble. Somebody was with my today. I have to say in the last 24 hours I have been a very lucky woman. Even though, I did get my car stuck in the deep snow in front of my mothers house.. and had to wait 3-4 hours for my step dad to come home and help me get it out.. and it (of course) only took him.. well like 2 minutes to get it unstuck.. lol (MEN... LOL)
Well anyway.. enough of my adventures.
My spirits are bright, although my mind/heart/spirit/ are a bit confused as to what to do in my future and to what path do I chose. So.. . I know.. to just move forward slowly .. and we will just see what happens. Wish me luck.
Saturday, January 31, 2004
Thursday, January 29, 2004
BPD and Life
I had a sort of understanding with myself today. How long it will last is beyond me though. I come to the conclusion, that I don't want to die today. I don't like to cut either, but it gives me something I don't already have. The feeling of being alive. The feeling of pain that can be seen.
I still don't know how to figure out how to deal with all this damn pain. But somewhere between this stupid movie we watched at partial by some La Roche lady, and the information, aand just my mind thinking today.. I've figured it out. Also figured out why I don't get anxiety meds, em.. that is because.. most of the good ones are narcotic based..and addictive.. I don't think.. that would be a good thing for me.. heheh..
Well all this thinking made my brain hurt. I still think of the gun, but.. it doesn't feel as as good as a thought. Its hard though, when those thoughts go thru your head, whether you want them to or not. Its hard to even know how that feels unless you go thru it. Like, I couldn't ever imagine what it is like to hear voices, and I crack up everytime the doctor asks me that.. and.. well.. its scary for the people that experience it.
Well.. thats all folks...
I still don't know how to figure out how to deal with all this damn pain. But somewhere between this stupid movie we watched at partial by some La Roche lady, and the information, aand just my mind thinking today.. I've figured it out. Also figured out why I don't get anxiety meds, em.. that is because.. most of the good ones are narcotic based..and addictive.. I don't think.. that would be a good thing for me.. heheh..
Well all this thinking made my brain hurt. I still think of the gun, but.. it doesn't feel as as good as a thought. Its hard though, when those thoughts go thru your head, whether you want them to or not. Its hard to even know how that feels unless you go thru it. Like, I couldn't ever imagine what it is like to hear voices, and I crack up everytime the doctor asks me that.. and.. well.. its scary for the people that experience it.
Well.. thats all folks...
Wednesday, January 28, 2004
Some Music...
Still haven't found the Borderline Song I'm looking for.... pisses me off to no end, but found some others that jumped out at me.
Artist: Joni Mitchell
Album: Turbulent Indigo
Title: Borderline
Everybody looks so ill at ease
So distrustful so displeased
Running down the table
I see a borderline
Like a barbed wire fence
Strung tight, strung tense
Prickling with pretense
A borderline
Why are you smirking at your friend?
Is this to be the night when
All well-wishing ends?
All credibility revoked?
Thin skin, thick jokes!
Can we blame it on the smoke
This borderline?
Every bristling shaft of pride
Church or nation
Team or tribe
Every notion we subscribe to
Is just a borderline
Good or bad, we think we know
As if thinking makes things so!
All convictions grow along a borderline
Smug in your jaded expertise
You scathe the wonder world
And you praise barbarity
In this illusionary place--
This scared hard-edged rat race
All liberty is laced with
Borderlines
Every income, every age
Every fashion-plated rage
Every measure, every gauge
Creates a borderline
Every stone thrown through glass
Every mean-streets-kick ass
Every swan caught on the grass
Will draw a borderline
You snipe so steady
You snub so snide--
So ripe and ready
To diminish and deride!
You're so quick to condescend
My opinionated friend
All you deface, all you defend
Is just a borderline
Just a borderline ...
Another borderline ...
Just a borderline
Artist: Jane
Album: Close up and real
Title: Borderline
She hit the borderline
The day she finally crossed the line and spoke
Without the hope
That had her choked till now
And swiftly to her head came
All the comfort she’d been fed
And she recalled just how she’d bled
And how they’d watched her try
CHORUS:
Don’t take me for a fool
‘Cos I know the world is cruel
Don’t say it’s OK
All the good has gone away
And innocence it was her fire
For she believed that purity
Was all that was required
To live a better way
But there was for us
No place to hide
For that same day
A child died
Two boys were charged and questioned why
But they could not reply
CHORUS
We fall and call and we carry it all
Gathering on the way
We reach and we teach and how we love to preach
As long as our views can stay the same
As long as they stay the same
Artist: Joni Mitchell
Album: Turbulent Indigo
Title: Borderline
Everybody looks so ill at ease
So distrustful so displeased
Running down the table
I see a borderline
Like a barbed wire fence
Strung tight, strung tense
Prickling with pretense
A borderline
Why are you smirking at your friend?
Is this to be the night when
All well-wishing ends?
All credibility revoked?
Thin skin, thick jokes!
Can we blame it on the smoke
This borderline?
Every bristling shaft of pride
Church or nation
Team or tribe
Every notion we subscribe to
Is just a borderline
Good or bad, we think we know
As if thinking makes things so!
All convictions grow along a borderline
Smug in your jaded expertise
You scathe the wonder world
And you praise barbarity
In this illusionary place--
This scared hard-edged rat race
All liberty is laced with
Borderlines
Every income, every age
Every fashion-plated rage
Every measure, every gauge
Creates a borderline
Every stone thrown through glass
Every mean-streets-kick ass
Every swan caught on the grass
Will draw a borderline
You snipe so steady
You snub so snide--
So ripe and ready
To diminish and deride!
You're so quick to condescend
My opinionated friend
All you deface, all you defend
Is just a borderline
Just a borderline ...
Another borderline ...
Just a borderline
Artist: Jane
Album: Close up and real
Title: Borderline
She hit the borderline
The day she finally crossed the line and spoke
Without the hope
That had her choked till now
And swiftly to her head came
All the comfort she’d been fed
And she recalled just how she’d bled
And how they’d watched her try
CHORUS:
Don’t take me for a fool
‘Cos I know the world is cruel
Don’t say it’s OK
All the good has gone away
And innocence it was her fire
For she believed that purity
Was all that was required
To live a better way
But there was for us
No place to hide
For that same day
A child died
Two boys were charged and questioned why
But they could not reply
CHORUS
We fall and call and we carry it all
Gathering on the way
We reach and we teach and how we love to preach
As long as our views can stay the same
As long as they stay the same
Tuesday, January 27, 2004
Not sure what to say..
Not sure what to say.. or think or feel. Feeling really shitty. My blood pressure is up, and it never is. I almost panicked in the doctors office today. They said I had to see The Dr.. instead of Bonnie... I almost cried... Finally got in there, talked with Bonnie.. I did get to see her..I spoke up, and was, I don't feel comfortable speaking with the Dr.(he's a male) and I was going to talk about birth control.
I tried to wear long sleeves, but.. I have nothing clean so well, of course she saw my fresh cuts on my arms from last nite. She asked, I just tried not to cry. I hate my life. So much. All I've wanted to do for days and day is cry and cry.
Got in a big fight with C. last nite. About the fat joke... he told me " break up with me then" and so I did. I haven't cried about it. I just wonder what he thinks and feels. And what happens from here. I feel like it was a sudden thing... I really wasn't going to, although I had thought of it, I just got so upset and pissed off, I didn't know what to do.
I tried to wear long sleeves, but.. I have nothing clean so well, of course she saw my fresh cuts on my arms from last nite. She asked, I just tried not to cry. I hate my life. So much. All I've wanted to do for days and day is cry and cry.
Got in a big fight with C. last nite. About the fat joke... he told me " break up with me then" and so I did. I haven't cried about it. I just wonder what he thinks and feels. And what happens from here. I feel like it was a sudden thing... I really wasn't going to, although I had thought of it, I just got so upset and pissed off, I didn't know what to do.
Sunday, January 25, 2004
Life
What is it? WHy is it so aweful? Why does it hurt? Do all people really pretend they are happy? and if so... Why?
Life is fucked up, and I'm tired of being part of it. I wish it would all end. But.. without the gun, I find it impossible... so.. I'll just continue to cut, to help my stress level, until i'm so disfigured, noone will let me near them. They will lock me up in a room and throw away the key.. and there I will live happily after fucking ever after.
Life is fucked up, and I'm tired of being part of it. I wish it would all end. But.. without the gun, I find it impossible... so.. I'll just continue to cut, to help my stress level, until i'm so disfigured, noone will let me near them. They will lock me up in a room and throw away the key.. and there I will live happily after fucking ever after.
Friday, January 23, 2004
You, my friend are a true individual. You most
likely hate trends and are creative. By seeing
things differently, people either admire you or
think you are a bit strange. I'm guessing you
are a lot like me. Perhaps a Good Charlotte
hater? I hope so. An inspiration to us all,
continue being you! (If you like GC, I'm sorry,
I am just expressing an opinion)
A Deeper Look Inside Yourself (with pics)
brought to you by Quizilla
You are Daisy. You're just the opposite of Peach,
you're very down-to-earth and mabie even a
little athletic. You love to have fun. (plz
rate)
What Nintendo Charater are You? (pics)
brought to you by Quizilla
You're taffy!! You're a clever and kind person,
but you tend to hold grudges. You are not big
on dishing out forgiveness.
Which kind of candy are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
You're Exotic Dancer Barbie. You have some moves,
and will do anything for a few bucks. Take it
off girl, but keep it PG-13 please.
If You Were A Barbie, Which Messed Up Version Would You Be?
brought to you by Quizilla
Thursday, January 22, 2004
Finally...
Finally a doctor agreed with me. I may not need medication for my depression. My depression is not.. a chemical imbalance.. its from my upbringing. Well duh, I have Borderline Personality Disorder, and that is from the way I was brought up. Not learning to cope, not learning the emotional things I needed to develope. The Dr. didn't give me anythign for my anxiety, but he did start a mood stabilizer, Topomax, also a drug used for seizures. Hope it helps, one side effect of it is weight loss, and how could that be a bad thing.
I realize so much, I need to change my perception of life. I need to realize, although I wish I had a real family, it will never happen. My parents could never live up to my expectations, even if they wanted to. I always wanted to please them as a child. Now, I always wonder why. I've also realized, that as a child, I didn't realize these things that went on in my family were wrong. I feel stupid for that. I could of stopped alot of these things before they happened. But i guess I shouldn't keep saying.. If I would have.... that is the past.. I have to live for my future. I don't know what it is though. I don't know what I want it to be. I'm so confused on a daily basis. I can't make heads nor tails of anything in my life.
I've always wanted so much for my future. Always wanted things to be perfect. I know they can't be, but that doesn't stop me from wanting that.
If I had,
everything I wanted,
would my life be
so haunted?
Would I be scared,
of going somewhere new?
Would I always be crying?
And feeling blue?
I ask myself this question,
Almost every day,
I also ask my God,
and nothing he does say.
Am I all alone,
In this dark and lonely world,
Am I all alone,
Answer this I say,
I do not want to be alone,
I do not want to be alone.
Please save my life,
and my soul,
Please tell me where
I have to go..
So
that
I am
not
alone.
I realize so much, I need to change my perception of life. I need to realize, although I wish I had a real family, it will never happen. My parents could never live up to my expectations, even if they wanted to. I always wanted to please them as a child. Now, I always wonder why. I've also realized, that as a child, I didn't realize these things that went on in my family were wrong. I feel stupid for that. I could of stopped alot of these things before they happened. But i guess I shouldn't keep saying.. If I would have.... that is the past.. I have to live for my future. I don't know what it is though. I don't know what I want it to be. I'm so confused on a daily basis. I can't make heads nor tails of anything in my life.
I've always wanted so much for my future. Always wanted things to be perfect. I know they can't be, but that doesn't stop me from wanting that.
If I had,
everything I wanted,
would my life be
so haunted?
Would I be scared,
of going somewhere new?
Would I always be crying?
And feeling blue?
I ask myself this question,
Almost every day,
I also ask my God,
and nothing he does say.
Am I all alone,
In this dark and lonely world,
Am I all alone,
Answer this I say,
I do not want to be alone,
I do not want to be alone.
Please save my life,
and my soul,
Please tell me where
I have to go..
So
that
I am
not
alone.
This is SOOOO RIGHT!!
for
in life....
What do you really wish for in life?
brought to you by Quizilla
You wish for love. If only it were true to be held
in the arms of one you love and never to be let
go....not ever. This is truly what you wish
in life....
What do you really wish for in life?
brought to you by Quizilla
You wish for love. If only it were true to be held
in the arms of one you love and never to be let
go....not ever. This is truly what you wish
Wednesday, January 21, 2004
I know.. God..will I ever get finished taking quizes today? Nope.. never.. oh wait.. i have to go to bed in a few minutes.. this sucks.. lol :) I'm trying to enjoy being bored.
You represent... apathy.
You don't really show any emotion. You can be
considered cruel and cold, but you just don't
really care about anything. This is just the
way you are... you're quite a challenge to get
close to, and others may perceive you as
boring.
What feeling do you represent?
brought to you by Quizilla
You represent... apathy.
You don't really show any emotion. You can be
considered cruel and cold, but you just don't
really care about anything. This is just the
way you are... you're quite a challenge to get
close to, and others may perceive you as
boring.
What feeling do you represent?
brought to you by Quizilla
You are naturally born with a gift, whether it be
poetry, writing or song. You love beauty and
creativity, and usually are highly intelligent.
Others view you as mysterious and dreamy, yet
also bold since you hold firm in your beliefs.
What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
brought to you by Quizilla
Lonliness dominates you. You can hide it well, but
its there, and your friends can see it. You
constantly feel alone, and need to do things to
fill your time. Your afraid to tell people
this, but sooner or later it gets out in a bad
way, and you think you screwed up everything.
And when you are in love is when you are sad
the most. (Pleas Vote)
What Emotion Dominates you?
brought to you by Quizilla
cuddle and a kiss on the forehead - you like to be
close to your special someone and feel warm,
comfortable, and needed
What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Reincarnation: You are nice enough to go to heaven,
but Earth won't be as fun without you. So you
shall come back as someone or something else.
As a real optimist and lighthearted person, you
always see the good in things. People probably
respect you for your wonderful personality and
love for life. People like you make the world a
happier place (please rate my quiz)
**Where will you go when you die?**(now with pics)
brought to you by Quizilla
-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your boyfriend.
What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Wishing..
Wishing I could get my comments to work. Still can't. Mike, help me!!! I put the code in right!??!? I think. THE stupid side bar thingy.. the code was in right for his web site although it wouldnt ever work for me. The other day, I just looked at the code, it looked right, and republished it. .. and it worked.. AMAZING.. blah blah blah..
Anyway...
I think too much. Had a lot of thinking I could do though today, as I drove like for 5 or 6 hours today. It wasn't too bad of a drive and I got to help my friend D. get home with her new Baby Emily.
So, I've come to the conclusion.. (at least my opinion today--I tend to be fickle lately) That.. I cannot marry a man that thinks I'm fat. Ok.. not a big deal to some... but I've never had an issue on whether a man finds me attractive. I've always felt pretty (though I am too chubby), and never had a bf tell me different. Sure the boys at school picked on me a bit, but I always had a smartass comeback,and it never bothered me that much. Maybe cuz I wouldn't be having sex with them or anything. I mean.. I don't want to be making love to my husband.. and not enjoying it, cuz all I can think of is him saying, "Julie, You are fat, lose some weight, she lost weight, so go write that down on how she did it". I said it once, I'll say it again.. FUCK YOU.. I said that to C. Apparently hurt his feelings, but hey.. It hurt mine. One thing I dont tolerate well (other than lack of intelligence) is rudeness. Even said, trying to be funny, weight is not something you joke about to a woman. Especially a woman that has hormone problems. I dunno, small issue, but has a big effect on me. I know some are thinking.. Jae.. you have self esteem issues, and I do, to an extent, because I'll never think i'm good enough.. (and damn I know I'm fat) but, do I need my future husband, telling me what to eat, or what not to, and how I should lose weight. I KNOW how to lose weight, i've done it before. But when its a challenge to not sleep your day away cuz you have nothing to look forward to, how do you get the motivation to work out an hour a day? and to eat healthy. Food is the only thing really enjoyable.
Haven't played my game in weeks, don't talk to many people online. When I am online, I don't really enjoy it, cuz if i'm not multitasking, I get bored easily. And since I have dial up, I can't really do shit on my computer. The one things I enjoy lately are my two new friends, R. who chats with me on MSN (almost daily), and M. a friend of a friend, that emails me every day. Those are the two things I look forward to.
I want so much more. Not monetary.. or whatnot.. I just.. strive for more than this exsistance people call life. I wish I could understand my issues with God. I wish I could get over the fact that most people in my family don't love me or care, and that they will never change, no matter how much I pray that they could just love me and show me affection.
Its a sad life. A life without hope is hardly an existence. Life without hope is hell to me. Today I am partially glad I do have generalize anxiety disorder. I get scared going to new places by myself. Which prevents me from going to the gun shop and gettting a gun. Something any normal person, and even me could do, if I didn't have anxiety. So.. lately I've been thinking of asking (and hope to tommorrow) the Dr for some meds for my anxiety. I hate pills so I wonder deep down inside, that I think something will help, so I can take that trip to the gun shop. And that scares me. Without my anxiety, I'd be dead already. It saves me..but also prevents me from having a normal life. Its sooooo fucking scary.
Anyway...
I think too much. Had a lot of thinking I could do though today, as I drove like for 5 or 6 hours today. It wasn't too bad of a drive and I got to help my friend D. get home with her new Baby Emily.
So, I've come to the conclusion.. (at least my opinion today--I tend to be fickle lately) That.. I cannot marry a man that thinks I'm fat. Ok.. not a big deal to some... but I've never had an issue on whether a man finds me attractive. I've always felt pretty (though I am too chubby), and never had a bf tell me different. Sure the boys at school picked on me a bit, but I always had a smartass comeback,and it never bothered me that much. Maybe cuz I wouldn't be having sex with them or anything. I mean.. I don't want to be making love to my husband.. and not enjoying it, cuz all I can think of is him saying, "Julie, You are fat, lose some weight, she lost weight, so go write that down on how she did it". I said it once, I'll say it again.. FUCK YOU.. I said that to C. Apparently hurt his feelings, but hey.. It hurt mine. One thing I dont tolerate well (other than lack of intelligence) is rudeness. Even said, trying to be funny, weight is not something you joke about to a woman. Especially a woman that has hormone problems. I dunno, small issue, but has a big effect on me. I know some are thinking.. Jae.. you have self esteem issues, and I do, to an extent, because I'll never think i'm good enough.. (and damn I know I'm fat) but, do I need my future husband, telling me what to eat, or what not to, and how I should lose weight. I KNOW how to lose weight, i've done it before. But when its a challenge to not sleep your day away cuz you have nothing to look forward to, how do you get the motivation to work out an hour a day? and to eat healthy. Food is the only thing really enjoyable.
Haven't played my game in weeks, don't talk to many people online. When I am online, I don't really enjoy it, cuz if i'm not multitasking, I get bored easily. And since I have dial up, I can't really do shit on my computer. The one things I enjoy lately are my two new friends, R. who chats with me on MSN (almost daily), and M. a friend of a friend, that emails me every day. Those are the two things I look forward to.
I want so much more. Not monetary.. or whatnot.. I just.. strive for more than this exsistance people call life. I wish I could understand my issues with God. I wish I could get over the fact that most people in my family don't love me or care, and that they will never change, no matter how much I pray that they could just love me and show me affection.
Its a sad life. A life without hope is hardly an existence. Life without hope is hell to me. Today I am partially glad I do have generalize anxiety disorder. I get scared going to new places by myself. Which prevents me from going to the gun shop and gettting a gun. Something any normal person, and even me could do, if I didn't have anxiety. So.. lately I've been thinking of asking (and hope to tommorrow) the Dr for some meds for my anxiety. I hate pills so I wonder deep down inside, that I think something will help, so I can take that trip to the gun shop. And that scares me. Without my anxiety, I'd be dead already. It saves me..but also prevents me from having a normal life. Its sooooo fucking scary.
Sadness
I cried as I read this post. My friend has written this about me. I feel sad, not sure if is because I know this hurts my friends, or because I don't feel this way today. Its hard for me to fathem, just a few days ago, I wanted to die, and today, other than being a little upset with my boyfriend, I'm ok. Not good, not bad, just living, breathing.. Still on my search,
I
My search for self. What is self? what will I find? Who the Hell am I? I really don't know the answer to any of my questions, I hope that I can find them one day though.
As for hope for the future, I'm still searching for that. I've actually been getting some things lately. Balanced the checkbook, made some calls. Have plans for next week. BUt I got to get out of here, before I get emotional again. I'm on my way to Dubois to pick up Danielle and the baby.
I
My search for self. What is self? what will I find? Who the Hell am I? I really don't know the answer to any of my questions, I hope that I can find them one day though.
As for hope for the future, I'm still searching for that. I've actually been getting some things lately. Balanced the checkbook, made some calls. Have plans for next week. BUt I got to get out of here, before I get emotional again. I'm on my way to Dubois to pick up Danielle and the baby.
Sunday, January 18, 2004
If I am cut, shall I bleed?
I sat here a few minutes ago, pulling the razor across my skin, it slowed my heartbeat, it slowed my breathing.. both which were rapid. I enjoy the feeling, as well as feel sick from it. WHat the fuck am I doing to myself... I find it sick, but strangely appealing at the same time.
What was going on. I felt depressed, angry.. and even a little suicidal.
Why? I feel like noone cares for me.. or even understands me. Everyone wants to think they understand me.. and I don't!! How can they understand me..better than I understand myself? I dont feel like they can.
I took Darian to a birthday party today. I had so much anxiety, and was so scared. I'd do anything for Darian though. I got thru it. I can still feel the fear in my stomach and chest though. I hate my emotions. I wish I could be numb. I wish they'd give me something to calm me down.
I think of suicide alot. Would I do again? ONly if I could get ahold of a gun. I'm serious. Just a permanent solution to a temporary problem.. the critics, and professionals would say. How long is a problem temporary. I've had these problems my whole life. They don't feel temporary to me. And I have BPD, that is not temporary, I'll have that label my whole FUCKING life. Why? because I fear abandonment, because I've been abandoned by my family many many times.... because I cut, and I don't know how to stop. Because I have relationship issues.. and cant' seem to meet anyone nice....
I hate my life, but can't figure out where the tools are to change it. What do I do? I do not know. I feel so scared, scared of myself mostly.. I feel so alone..
Please...
make it go
away
What was going on. I felt depressed, angry.. and even a little suicidal.
Why? I feel like noone cares for me.. or even understands me. Everyone wants to think they understand me.. and I don't!! How can they understand me..better than I understand myself? I dont feel like they can.
I took Darian to a birthday party today. I had so much anxiety, and was so scared. I'd do anything for Darian though. I got thru it. I can still feel the fear in my stomach and chest though. I hate my emotions. I wish I could be numb. I wish they'd give me something to calm me down.
I think of suicide alot. Would I do again? ONly if I could get ahold of a gun. I'm serious. Just a permanent solution to a temporary problem.. the critics, and professionals would say. How long is a problem temporary. I've had these problems my whole life. They don't feel temporary to me. And I have BPD, that is not temporary, I'll have that label my whole FUCKING life. Why? because I fear abandonment, because I've been abandoned by my family many many times.... because I cut, and I don't know how to stop. Because I have relationship issues.. and cant' seem to meet anyone nice....
I hate my life, but can't figure out where the tools are to change it. What do I do? I do not know. I feel so scared, scared of myself mostly.. I feel so alone..
Please...
make it go
away
Thursday, January 15, 2004
Surfing and Relaxing
Just surfing the web tonite.. looking at things.. like... The Straight Dope Archive, a book of writing called the Talmud which is something I had never heard of. From the link I got from another site, it talks of Jesus's real father.. but have yet to get a chance to read much about it. As it is waaay past 11 and I am very sleepy. I drove to Dubois today.. and it was a long journey.. mostly cuz everyone had to stop here and there and here and there before we left.
Also wandering the net.. checking my email.. and chatting with my friend S. from Wichita. She and her family are doing great!! oh.. and then took a quiz on what country I was.
Also wandering the net.. checking my email.. and chatting with my friend S. from Wichita. She and her family are doing great!! oh.. and then took a quiz on what country I was.
You're Turkey!
You have a good deal of history behind you, both good and
bad, but through it all, you've become a leader among your friends. You
have an uncanny ability to make friends with people who hate each other, though
sometimes you just hate them instead. Surprisingly fickle, you keep a
good balance in your life between religion and humanism, but most people think
you're fanatical anyway. You're Istanbul, you're
Constantinople.
Take
the Country Quiz at the href="http://bluepyramid.org">Blue Pyramid
Wednesday, January 14, 2004
OH.. what a beautiful day.... Beautiful People.. Beautiful People...
Anyway.. was doing some research on Euthansia for my sister, S. and ran across a cool essay. Also got to see that they are having some cool concerts at Darien Lake this summer. Hope I get to go to some. I've been lucky lately.. as I've had a few wonderful friends always keeping in touch with me. It keeps the smile on my face.... and makes my life less depressing.
My gram.. says she knows.. that I stole the money from her. ((( I KNOW MY SISTER DID IT))) it pisses me off to no end. I would never steal from my grandmother!! ever!!! She thinks I'm evil. Says I cut myself and tried to commit suicide for attention!! WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!? She says I wouldn't even cry when she died. I would.. alot. As much as she pisses me off.. I would cry. I hate that I even say mean stuff to her.. and swear at her..but I don't know what to do. SHe just thinks I'm the worse person in the world. SHe still harasses Darian and pisses her off. She belittles me every chance I get. Saying, I'm not doing anything to get better. SHe thinks I should just snap out of it.
I'm still debating going to stay with my mother for a bit. I don't like the smoking honestly, and am not sure if I can deal with my mom's demands.. DO this.. DO that.. blah blah blah.. she is too lazy... and then uses her arm as a bigger excuse.. I think she learned she can't do this at Christmas when everyone harassed her. I don't know.. still a thought on my mind.
Still haven't talked to C. much.. but had a little time this morning. Things are going ok. Still have no idea what will go on in our future. He says he will reapply in two months time.
No thoughts of suicide.. or cutting today. Feelings of sadness were overwhelming when i was fighting with my gramma though.
I worked out today.. Stretching for ten minutes.. run/walking for 22... and did the stairs a few times.. :) much more active today.
My gram.. says she knows.. that I stole the money from her. ((( I KNOW MY SISTER DID IT))) it pisses me off to no end. I would never steal from my grandmother!! ever!!! She thinks I'm evil. Says I cut myself and tried to commit suicide for attention!! WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!? She says I wouldn't even cry when she died. I would.. alot. As much as she pisses me off.. I would cry. I hate that I even say mean stuff to her.. and swear at her..but I don't know what to do. SHe just thinks I'm the worse person in the world. SHe still harasses Darian and pisses her off. She belittles me every chance I get. Saying, I'm not doing anything to get better. SHe thinks I should just snap out of it.
I'm still debating going to stay with my mother for a bit. I don't like the smoking honestly, and am not sure if I can deal with my mom's demands.. DO this.. DO that.. blah blah blah.. she is too lazy... and then uses her arm as a bigger excuse.. I think she learned she can't do this at Christmas when everyone harassed her. I don't know.. still a thought on my mind.
Still haven't talked to C. much.. but had a little time this morning. Things are going ok. Still have no idea what will go on in our future. He says he will reapply in two months time.
No thoughts of suicide.. or cutting today. Feelings of sadness were overwhelming when i was fighting with my gramma though.
I worked out today.. Stretching for ten minutes.. run/walking for 22... and did the stairs a few times.. :) much more active today.
Tuesday, January 13, 2004
Thoughts....
Running thru my head. Not sure whether to be sad.. or happy.. that I'm feeling good today. I thought for sure I would go off the edge.. ( i was hanging there as it was) when I found out C. did not get his Visa. Dissappointing yes... but maybe it wasn't our time to be together... (apparently). Maybe I needed this extra time to work on me, and my goals, and get myself together. I don't want to feel depressed, like I have been the last week or so. I felt so out of control. I've been able to make some good friends in the last week. They have helped me alot. I hope they know who they are :) !!
Last nite, before I went to sleep, I thought of cutting, I thought of suicide... and it was great to wake up and feel totally different. It feels wonderful. Wish I could figure out how to feel this way.. at least 50% of the time.. I'd be all set. Want to share a poem with you all..
Death
With this I could not stay
I'm sorry it had to be this day.
The 13th of January 2004,
It is the last day,
I'm never more.
Too much sadness,
Too much hate,
This is the day,
You learn my fate.
Forgive Please,
I did not mean to hurt you
Forgive me please,
I have no virtue.
Only want to end this pain,
Maybe for another to gain.
I felt really bad last nite, that is all I can really say. I thought maybe I would attempt suicide again. I wrote to my friend, Punky about my thoughts and feelings, and it will probably drive him crazy when he reads it, knowing he can't do a damn thing to help me. He has, though. Writing to him, gives me a change to be heard. Something that I'm not used to. It feels good to have someone I can open up to, and never be scared what I say will hurt him. Because I know, even if it hurts him, he will forgive me.. because I know he loves and cares for me so. I think the sad part of his life, is that noone knows what a good heart he has, but me. I wish I could of done something to help him before he got himself in trouble... I guess I just need to learn, that people need to learn their life lessons on their own, no matter what you say or show them. Thing is.. I never really said anything.. I guess at one point, I may have been scared. But.. that is in the past. I need to work on the future, and decide what it will be like. What do I really want. What will make me happy.
What would make me really happy right now.. is to cuddle up in my boyfriends arms.. and go to sleep. I'm getting really tired.. so I'm off. :)
Last nite, before I went to sleep, I thought of cutting, I thought of suicide... and it was great to wake up and feel totally different. It feels wonderful. Wish I could figure out how to feel this way.. at least 50% of the time.. I'd be all set. Want to share a poem with you all..
Death
With this I could not stay
I'm sorry it had to be this day.
The 13th of January 2004,
It is the last day,
I'm never more.
Too much sadness,
Too much hate,
This is the day,
You learn my fate.
Forgive Please,
I did not mean to hurt you
Forgive me please,
I have no virtue.
Only want to end this pain,
Maybe for another to gain.
I felt really bad last nite, that is all I can really say. I thought maybe I would attempt suicide again. I wrote to my friend, Punky about my thoughts and feelings, and it will probably drive him crazy when he reads it, knowing he can't do a damn thing to help me. He has, though. Writing to him, gives me a change to be heard. Something that I'm not used to. It feels good to have someone I can open up to, and never be scared what I say will hurt him. Because I know, even if it hurts him, he will forgive me.. because I know he loves and cares for me so. I think the sad part of his life, is that noone knows what a good heart he has, but me. I wish I could of done something to help him before he got himself in trouble... I guess I just need to learn, that people need to learn their life lessons on their own, no matter what you say or show them. Thing is.. I never really said anything.. I guess at one point, I may have been scared. But.. that is in the past. I need to work on the future, and decide what it will be like. What do I really want. What will make me happy.
What would make me really happy right now.. is to cuddle up in my boyfriends arms.. and go to sleep. I'm getting really tired.. so I'm off. :)
Monday, January 12, 2004
Reckoning Day
Well. I find out... in about 5 hours if C. gets his visa. Could be a good thing, could be a bad thing. Who knows. I don't have much emotion about it just yet. Just been on edge the last few days. It sucks like hell. I wish I could curl in a ball, and dissappear from the earth. I feel so much sadness and despair in my life. Does everyone really think that I chose this? My family seems to. They think I chose to be depressed. I choose to let my anxiety get the best of me. They I like fearing to go outside... to meet strangers. That I fear going to the store alone. THat I fear the looks people give me. I fear to say something wrong. I fear everyone hates me. I fear I could be raped. I fear my daughter could be molested. I feel so stressed. Would anyone really choose this? I know I certainly would not. I have not. I wish I could just life over, knowing the things I know now, but not having to experience them. Oh well. Life is not fair. The rich keep getting richer, and the poor poorer. Not because the poor don't want better, but because they don't know how to work the system. Its not.. who you are, it is who you know. :)
Well.. wish me luck.. and if you don't hear from me.. I'm either extremely happy or in the looney bin.. :)
Funny thing,
Don't you see,
Funny thing,
This thing called me.
I've lived my life,
through all the hell.
I've lived my life,
with my story to tell.
It's not that bad,
I've seen worse,
I could be dead,
taken away in a hearse.
Now I lay me down to sleep
Close your eyes,
don't make a peep.
Life would be better,
if you would only sleep..
Sleep it off,
Drift away,
Close your eyes baby,
It's okay.
Well.. wish me luck.. and if you don't hear from me.. I'm either extremely happy or in the looney bin.. :)
Funny thing,
Don't you see,
Funny thing,
This thing called me.
I've lived my life,
through all the hell.
I've lived my life,
with my story to tell.
It's not that bad,
I've seen worse,
I could be dead,
taken away in a hearse.
Now I lay me down to sleep
Close your eyes,
don't make a peep.
Life would be better,
if you would only sleep..
Sleep it off,
Drift away,
Close your eyes baby,
It's okay.
Friday, January 09, 2004
Not Helping
Partial.. doesn't really help much anymore. I'm not into it. That and I don't feel I get the attention I need. Waaa Waa.. I know.. I act like a baby, but.. I just hate spending all this time, and not getting anything out of it. Not that I don't get anything out of it.. I do get a bit, but I don't quite feel like I'm heard. I mean, they want me to take meds, they don't force me, but know that I'm a "good" girl... and I DON'T WANT TO TAKE THEM. The only other person in the group that doesn't take them, that doesn't want to is court ordered. They don't force me to, but when I asked could I get off them, I was told, I should give it at least 6 months to see if it makes a difference. Been on it for two months or so, so four more months to go. . I think. I think I'm so anxious, I'm confusing myself. That is another thing that upsets me.. Why don't they give me anything for my anxiety...???? I have more anxiety than anyone i know. Do i just hide it well. ?? I'm so used to not supposed to be having feelings.. I don't really show them. J is just always "OKAY" . Okay to me.. is living breathing.. nothing more. Its not a true life.
I don't know much. (that is a lie, I know alot..) but anyway.. One thing i know for sure, is that I want a better life.. a real life. I want to be happy. Happy people, don't expect everything to be perfect!! ( I don't.. never have.. never will) Happy people are optimistic. How can I be optimistic and realistic.. at the same time. I can't figure it out. Being optimistic, makes me feel like I'm living in a dream world. I don't like that. I don't like dissappointment... but.. what does that matter? really? I've not experienced..much but that.. (pessimistic)... NO.. i say.. I am just realistic.. I expect the worse.. so if something good happens.. it is a surprise.
Not sure I want to write this here.. as C. reads it... but.. I'm expecting him not to get the visa. That way... I won't be as dissappointed when he doesnt.. or i'll be happy when he does. Believe you me.. I want him to get the visa... This is what I expect.. to happen..actually.. in my mind..
He won't get the visa. I'm too scared to go over there... right now.. (too much anxiety & not enough money). So eventually.. I'll get bored, or upset, and break up with him.. (just like he thinks I will). And I will be sad and depressed, and maybe even suicidal again. But then I'll meet another guy over here.. (in the US) and he will be just as bad as the other guys.. I've met.. and it will take me a while to realize it.. and then I'll just be fucked up again.. and the cycle will continue.. until I die.. or get pregnant..
Either way..
Life goes on.
I know my pessimistic attitude gets in the way of my happiness. But how can I find my happiness, when the only thing I've really found that makes me happy (besides my PC) is making other people happy. How is this a good goal in life? My happiness depends on others and it shouldn't. I should find some happiness in myself. I don't know how. I will never be good enough for myself. I'll never live up to my high expectations. I want my Doctorate for God's sake.
ME, Julie.. a girl from a poor home, where.. only a few .. (less than 6) have went to college.. and even fewer have graduated from it. Most of my family members have their FUCKING GED for GOD's sake. AND they are proud of it. WHAT the HELL? Sure... I graduated from High School with Honors.. (don't know how I pulled that off) I didn't always have the best of grades.. Almost failed Biology.. and 11th grade History. I had D's and F's in those classes. I remember those times well. I remember all the crying I did.. because I didn't study hard enough.
What makes me think I can get my doctorate.... I know I can do anything if I try hard enough... but right now.. I don't even have a job.. I can't even get my resume in order.. and it took me two months to get the energy to balance my checkbook. I barely get out of bed in the morning.. if it wasn't for my daughter.. I probably wouldnt.
What the hell am i going on and on about.. Hell if I know.. I'm shutting up.. i'm just rambling, like the thoughts in my head...
Life goes on..
Tommorrow will be a better day..
Maybe tommorrow,
They sky won't be gray.
We can only hope,
We can only pray,
That tommorrow,
Will be a better day.
Life goes on,
That is all I will say,
Tommorrow will be
a better day.
I don't know much. (that is a lie, I know alot..) but anyway.. One thing i know for sure, is that I want a better life.. a real life. I want to be happy. Happy people, don't expect everything to be perfect!! ( I don't.. never have.. never will) Happy people are optimistic. How can I be optimistic and realistic.. at the same time. I can't figure it out. Being optimistic, makes me feel like I'm living in a dream world. I don't like that. I don't like dissappointment... but.. what does that matter? really? I've not experienced..much but that.. (pessimistic)... NO.. i say.. I am just realistic.. I expect the worse.. so if something good happens.. it is a surprise.
Not sure I want to write this here.. as C. reads it... but.. I'm expecting him not to get the visa. That way... I won't be as dissappointed when he doesnt.. or i'll be happy when he does. Believe you me.. I want him to get the visa... This is what I expect.. to happen..actually.. in my mind..
He won't get the visa. I'm too scared to go over there... right now.. (too much anxiety & not enough money). So eventually.. I'll get bored, or upset, and break up with him.. (just like he thinks I will). And I will be sad and depressed, and maybe even suicidal again. But then I'll meet another guy over here.. (in the US) and he will be just as bad as the other guys.. I've met.. and it will take me a while to realize it.. and then I'll just be fucked up again.. and the cycle will continue.. until I die.. or get pregnant..
Either way..
Life goes on.
I know my pessimistic attitude gets in the way of my happiness. But how can I find my happiness, when the only thing I've really found that makes me happy (besides my PC) is making other people happy. How is this a good goal in life? My happiness depends on others and it shouldn't. I should find some happiness in myself. I don't know how. I will never be good enough for myself. I'll never live up to my high expectations. I want my Doctorate for God's sake.
ME, Julie.. a girl from a poor home, where.. only a few .. (less than 6) have went to college.. and even fewer have graduated from it. Most of my family members have their FUCKING GED for GOD's sake. AND they are proud of it. WHAT the HELL? Sure... I graduated from High School with Honors.. (don't know how I pulled that off) I didn't always have the best of grades.. Almost failed Biology.. and 11th grade History. I had D's and F's in those classes. I remember those times well. I remember all the crying I did.. because I didn't study hard enough.
What makes me think I can get my doctorate.... I know I can do anything if I try hard enough... but right now.. I don't even have a job.. I can't even get my resume in order.. and it took me two months to get the energy to balance my checkbook. I barely get out of bed in the morning.. if it wasn't for my daughter.. I probably wouldnt.
What the hell am i going on and on about.. Hell if I know.. I'm shutting up.. i'm just rambling, like the thoughts in my head...
Life goes on..
Tommorrow will be a better day..
Maybe tommorrow,
They sky won't be gray.
We can only hope,
We can only pray,
That tommorrow,
Will be a better day.
Life goes on,
That is all I will say,
Tommorrow will be
a better day.
Your Love
Did you find true love?
Did she fall from the sky?
When God sent her down,
Did he know she’d want
To die?
With good intentions,
I hope that he didn’t
With all your love,
I would think that she wouldn’t
You never know what life
Will bring,
Do you think the wedding bells
Will ever ring?
I hope they do,
For you deserve the best,
Give her your love,
And God will do the rest.
We will keep you in our prayers,
We want to see your dreams,
Come true,
Yet is seems they never do.
Did she fall from the sky?
When God sent her down,
Did he know she’d want
To die?
With good intentions,
I hope that he didn’t
With all your love,
I would think that she wouldn’t
You never know what life
Will bring,
Do you think the wedding bells
Will ever ring?
I hope they do,
For you deserve the best,
Give her your love,
And God will do the rest.
We will keep you in our prayers,
We want to see your dreams,
Come true,
Yet is seems they never do.
Thursday, January 08, 2004
The Day is Coming....
Been wanting to Blog for a while now... just haven't got around to it. Been too depressed, and too.. busy.. I suppose. Or maybe I just didn't really want people knowing what is going on with me.. This is my first post of the new year. Well, I have been pretty depressed, and right now, worrying so much, about the 13th. Tuesday, this is the day that we find out .. (at 4am EST) whether my fiance, C. gets his visa. If he doesn't, we have to have a plan B. I'm not sure I'm up for plan B right now. I know many of my friends and family are praying for us. I know I am hoping and praying too. It will be a big day for both of us, and emotional.. too... either way it goes... I'm sure.. I will need my many friends around.
I have to promise to myself.... I will not seclude myself that day...
I will try to avoid sharp items that could be used as weapons...
I will try to share my feelings..
As for my New Years Goals.. (life long goals, not resolutions)
I plan to lose weight.
My first step into that, is to cut out soda, and drink more water, and to start to exercise more. After I do that,
I plan to... exercise more, and watch my other sweets.. and eat healthier snacks. (carrots, celery, peanuts, instead of candy.. and whatnot)
Then... I hope to try and learn more about myself, which I have been doing this past year, but I want to go in depth more....
And.. I want to read and write more.. (even here).
Well.. anyway.. not much new. I've attended partial twice this week. Hasn't helped much, but it gets me out of the house and around people. Hoping to see the Dr R. tommorrow.. sort of.. I know he will want to push more meds. I HATE THEM. Went to see Dr. A. today, the allergist, pretty much a waste of my time, but I made my dental appointment, as it was in the same building. Dr. A. just looked in my ears, and in my nose.. and said.. lets get you an auditory test.. and i'll see you back in two weeks. The receptionist doesn't think my insurance covers the auditory test, so... they will let me know when i come back. They want to see if the singular (not sure the spelling) its an allergy medicine is working, and to give it two more weeks.. blah blah. I don't like Dr's much.
Any.. last nite was great.. stayed online all nite chatting with some nice people. It was nice to have the chance to spend time with some nice people. Its not often I get a chance to do that. Some people I meet always have other motives.
Also found out today that my daughter's aunt died. She was quite young.. not even near 40 I don't think. Her pacemaker died. She was a weird, but nice lady. I don't think it has quite hit me yet. I worry about her kids though. They are teens, but I know this will be hard on them.
Well, I'm off to read email, and then get some rest. :)
I have to promise to myself.... I will not seclude myself that day...
I will try to avoid sharp items that could be used as weapons...
I will try to share my feelings..
As for my New Years Goals.. (life long goals, not resolutions)
I plan to lose weight.
My first step into that, is to cut out soda, and drink more water, and to start to exercise more. After I do that,
I plan to... exercise more, and watch my other sweets.. and eat healthier snacks. (carrots, celery, peanuts, instead of candy.. and whatnot)
Then... I hope to try and learn more about myself, which I have been doing this past year, but I want to go in depth more....
And.. I want to read and write more.. (even here).
Well.. anyway.. not much new. I've attended partial twice this week. Hasn't helped much, but it gets me out of the house and around people. Hoping to see the Dr R. tommorrow.. sort of.. I know he will want to push more meds. I HATE THEM. Went to see Dr. A. today, the allergist, pretty much a waste of my time, but I made my dental appointment, as it was in the same building. Dr. A. just looked in my ears, and in my nose.. and said.. lets get you an auditory test.. and i'll see you back in two weeks. The receptionist doesn't think my insurance covers the auditory test, so... they will let me know when i come back. They want to see if the singular (not sure the spelling) its an allergy medicine is working, and to give it two more weeks.. blah blah. I don't like Dr's much.
Any.. last nite was great.. stayed online all nite chatting with some nice people. It was nice to have the chance to spend time with some nice people. Its not often I get a chance to do that. Some people I meet always have other motives.
Also found out today that my daughter's aunt died. She was quite young.. not even near 40 I don't think. Her pacemaker died. She was a weird, but nice lady. I don't think it has quite hit me yet. I worry about her kids though. They are teens, but I know this will be hard on them.
Well, I'm off to read email, and then get some rest. :)
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