Blade

As the blade cuts across my skin...
A thin red line, becomes visible,
Its barely noticable, at first,
Its very very thin...

More blood comes out,
I slide it across my skin, again...
I feel the comfort it brings,
Calming, relaxing, what a shameful thing.

Guilt comes thru,
My blade again, cuts the skin..
Another line,
Another sin.



No, I haven't cut, but I came really close... Last nite, as I walked past one of the barrels in my house.. (one that Francis is shipping to Africa), I spot some new shaving blades, four to be exact, I pick one up, it looks clean, and i hang on to it, as I gather my things and go upstairs. I go in the bathroom, thinking of the relief this will give me. I clean the blade and go up to my room. I sit it on the table as I boot up my computer and sit down to relax. I try not to look at the blade, as I go about my email, and my chatting. I think about CG, and the pain I feel about all this. I think about how alone I am. I think about being a bad mother. I think about all my problems and all my faults. I cry. I think about the blade, I resist the tempation, and distract myself with my hot or not account. Cute men, always emailing me. Always looking for sex or fun. I have hopes that, one will, tickle my fancy, and be looking for a serious relationship or a meaningful friendship. I'm looking for someone to give me attention. Attention, I've never really had. It all sucks. I'm so frustrated... and hate that I'm so fucked up.

Men & Their Caves..

Really tired of men that have caves. What good do they do???? really?? Ok.. I'm a woman, supposedly I wouldn't understand... whatever...

Finally heard from CG last nite, He didn't really explain anything to me... just frustrated me more. He's having a rough time, and won't explain anything to me, its just frustrating.. this is the first communication I've had since Sunday morning, its so freaking upsetting..

He can't handle my sadness, my moodswings.... Noone can handle me.. I don't how I'll ever be stable with my mood. As much as I try nothing works, and it all points towards relationships. I need to stay away from men. CG, is empathic, as am I, and other people's moods effect mine, and he can't handle mine.... I feel like he hates being around me anyway...

And at this point, he doesn't really seem to want to be around me anyway... because he has too much going on....... He doesn't want my help.

Negatory

Is that a word? Either way.. its the word I'm thinking of.
As days go by, I get angrier and angrier at him. He's not called, and hasn't taken my calls either. Curse that fucking caller ID.

I can't figure out why he's not talking to me. Unless he reads this, but I doubt he even takes the fucking time. I really don't think I matter to him, anymore..

He still didn't explain to me.. about the whole.. letter he wrote her, and because he lied to me, I'm wondering if he even did. After he lied to me, I doubt anything that comes out of his mouth.

His text message, he still won't explain to me, I wrote him an email Sunday nite, and no response, nor... anything... ( I wrote a poem too)...

I've given my heart to him, and he's taken it, chewed it up, swallowed it, and shit it out all over the place. It kills me...

So why do I care if he ever talks to me again??? I love him. I had hope. I'm stupid. I'm ignorant. Apparently I love men that can't commit and that hurt me. I love men, that are "unavailable", either physically, mentally or emotionally.

He wants her, and has made that clear. He told me for now I am his though. And I'm not, she will always be his priority, and I can't compete with that...

I'm much better than to even try to compete with her. I feel she's worthless. She's a user, of people and drugs. She has a non-compliant attitude, and seems to feel that being in jail should give her something. My opinion- from the letters I read, when I was being nosy.

I'm still pissed.. because he said... "I still want to know, why you feel you have a right to be nosy" , it floored me... because I don't feel I have a right, I just want to know. I don't hide things from him, but all he has done, and continues to do, is hide things from me. I talked to my therapist about this, and she stated, "well you guys are sleeping together, aren't you?" and I replied, "YES".. and she said.. "that gives you some right."

Oh well, either way, he's either mad at me or he's decided to try to step away. I know he has a busy week, but... he would of had time to call, if he wanted. It just really fucks me off, he's doing it this way. We both have been really immature when we are fighting.

I have alot of growing up to do.

Weekend Wonderment

What a weekend, not bad, not good.... kind of a medium, happy medium.. if that makes any sense.. (which it doesn't)...

Friday nite.. who but CG, asks me to come down. At work we text, and he says.. "yeah we can talk".. and then.. thinks I'm going to call him. He calls. like a bit after 11:30 or so, then I go to Walmart... etc.. then about 3 in the morning.. after us argueing and making up, he asks me to come down.. and I freaking do... Stupid stupid..stupid.. (slams my head against the wall)...

I got up early, took him to work, and then... headed home to get ready to meet AG, (apple guy- he works for apple)... It was wierd/nice.. I think I could learn alot from him, but I'm not sure how much fun I'd actually be.. for him. I loved when he showed me the dreamweaver stuff, and his apple computer, and chit chatting with him, but ... I don't know that he found anything about me interesting. We met at B & N, chit chatted a bit, went back and looked at the movies there.. then went to the mall to Suncoast (great store, btw)... and looked at movies for a long time... At times there.. a little boring, but the Anime movies were cool, as well as I found my all time favorite movie, The Village of the Damned... That was exciting, also found a disk (17 hours) of one of my favourite tv shows, Earth 2. Couldn't afford that one though. He's sweet, always opens doors.. etc.. HE bought me dinner, we went to this local place and had cheesesteaks, which were very big.. but very good as well. BOnus points as well because they served Pepsi.



To be continued....

CG & Her

Last night, after CG told me to call him(after work). I talked to him at my 9 o'clock break, which turned long, because I couldn't quit crying.

Well, after... I try to call him he doesn't answer, and he doesn't answer and he doesn't answer. I couldn't really figure out what was wrong.

I logged onto myspace.com, and saw a message from him... He replied to something I replied to him about a post of "getting laid". I said.. something to the effect... " Good Luck on that, your bitch won't be around for 10 more months." He wrote back, saying this is the meanest thing I've ever said to him. Apparently I hurt him, and this is why he didn't want to talk to me.

So I continue to state to the fact that I think its wrong he tries to get back with her, and can't be honest with her about his life, before she popped back in. Its not fair to her, or to me. It makes me feel like shit, that I never mattered, and that I wasn't important. He told me he wrote her a letter about it, and I wonder what he really said to her, how honest he was with her, and what detail he went into with her...

Meow....

I got a kitty today, at the animal shelter.. I went with a kitten, because I fell in love with her. I wish I was home with her, I hope she's not getting into trouble.

We also had a division meeting here, and I got an award, as well as a Hartford beach towel, hat, beach ball, and little radio. This was for outstanding performance. I'm doing a major turnaround,and I'm really happy about it.

I've fucked up my checkbook, which really sucks. I'm already over my amount I should spend, and I have ten more days till payday. I want to get new insurance, so I'm debating if I should wait another month. I really can't afford to. I can write a check, and just hope that it goes thru from my bank. I guess that depends on if they let me write a check... and etc. I'll call the lady either tommorrow or Friday.

We will see..

Now I need to name my cat. THey had Veronica on the card, but she's still little... Thinking about Phoenix.

I wrote a poem to CG, the other day, haven't really talked to him since. I did briefly, but I didn't get anywhere, and he didn't call last nite to talk. I'm trying not to call him, not sure how successful I'll be though. I want to go down to PetSmart with him, so that I can get some stuff for my kitty, and get a discount. I saw lots of stuff there last weekend, I want to get for my baby... :)

Dates suck...

Went out with KH, I thought we had a nice time. We just watched movies at his place, it got late, and I was tired, and we both kind of fell asleep. He didn't hit on me or anything... but.. I ended up staying. I slept in his bed. We didn't have sex or anything, mostly he just held and caressed me. It was nice... but the next day.. he was weird about things..

He decided that he didn't want to do anything, that he just wanted to hang out at his house. He played computer games, while I watched some tv, and slept on the couch... for some reason I was extremely tired. I hung out for a while, and then decided I'd go see CG, since he'd be off work soon. He was surprised to see me, but then we talked about my date... he said.... things turned out like they did, cuz I didn't give KH any. He didn't really try .. anyway.. but I wouldn't have anyway. I don't believe in haveing more than one sexual partner at once. And CG, just happens to be mine. I stayed the nite with CG, Saturday nite, and went home Sunday after I took him to work.

Sunday nite, S came over, and we watched a movie. (well half of it) and then watched my Sunday nite shows. We cuddled a bit, and talked about my ex's and life. He still seems so sweet, and part of me wishes I could give him what he needs. He's too nice to me, although he knows we won't be dating. We plan on hanging out most of next weekend, cuz his parents are out of town. Hopefully it will be nice.. so we can swim in the pool. He dj's at clubs at nites too, which will be cool to get out.. and about... since I don't go out that much.

So.... I'm here at work today getting overtme. Darian is in VA, with her dad, and gramma.. she seems to be having a good time. She's adopted a puppy there.. and sounds so much different. More talkative. Its nice to have some free time, but I do miss her dearly.

Back to making some more money.....
Wishing I was being held....

CG, and I fought again last nite... I was upset because I told him something, and he kept questioning me on it. I told him I had thought about writing Christina a letter, and he asked.. what would I tell her.. and I wasn't really sure. I can think of lots of things I could say, but I would never do it, because I know it would hurt him. I then asked .."what would you do if you were in my situation.. ".. and he kept saying. "what situation??" , and he kept raising his voice when I wouldn't explain.. It was hurting me, and frustrating me.. he should know what the fuck i'm talking about... I ended up hanging up on him twice.. (since he called back).. I can't stand when I feel like I'm being yelled at. Plus I don't need to cause him anymore frustration...

I'm trying really hard not to call him again. If he wants me, he can call me.. but I'm hoping he's so busy.. that he'll just forget about me this week. Its starting to hurt more and more...

Excitement & Anxiety

Excited, looking forward to my date, at least I think its a date, I'll confirm if its a date... or it is... just hanging out... tonite. He seems nice. He's definately cute, and seems motivated and careing. Good qualities. Very good...

I've been anxious though, and not about the above with I've written about. I feel like I'm having anxiety attacks. I feel for much of the day... (for the last four days)... like I'm standing in front of a group of people giving a speech. I don't know why I'm feeling this way, and its getting really stressful. I told the DR. as well as my therapist, and I'm trying to get an appt with my primary care DR, about this sore throat thing. Its not sore so much, as my tonsils are swallen... its been about a month now. Its rediculous...

Thinking about CG, as usual... he drives me mad. I wonder if we will talk tonite, and if so, what will go on. Part of me is mad at him.. about all this... and part of me really wants to move on.... but I need someone special to step into my life to do that.

I'm afraid because of my problems, that my meeting guys that I'm looking for, may be almost impossible. Its hard for a "normal" person to have any idea what I've gone thru. The man has to be fucked up as well, in order to really understand me. I'm not sure thats really true, but it seems to have become true. Thats messed up.. huh?

Comments

Comments on my comments. I love them. No intrusions... I enjoy them. Other peoples opinions... (although I don't agree sometimes- which this is not the case), well other peoples opinions, give me insight into my own world.

I talked to S, and told him how I was feeling. He's still really needy, but has told me he's ok with being friends. We are going to hang out Sunday nite... mostly because I have another date.. with KH, a single guy, that lives in Philly, 25, lives on his own, and has a decent job. He seems nice, and if all goes well we are hanging out on Friday nite, and Saturday as well. I'll talk to him more tonite about it, but we spent over 4 hours on the phone talking last nite.

My sister called me last nite. She is being admitted to the hospital. Her gall bladder is causing problems with her liver enzymes or such... and they have to go in and remove it. They were trying to hold off, but they can't any longer.

As for CG, well... I was really snotty and sarcastic to him. He doesn't really call me lately... and I try not to call him. The only reason I called the other day was to see if I left my brush there. He couldn't find it. He tried to call me last nite when I was talking to KH, and I ignored the call, especially since I was talking to him online. He said something about wanting to see how I was doing, cuz he was talking with a friend who was having a hard time, and that he couldn't sleep until he talked to me. I told him he should ask Christina to call him and tuck him in. Right after that, he logged off.. and ran away.. pretty much. Thats one thing that really bugs me.. he runs away, and doesn't come back. When I run away, like that cuz I'm upset, I come back, because I realize I shouldn't have ran away. Either way... He told me the other nite.. that He's mine, for now.. he's mine... and that he can't make any promises.... but also that he wants me to date other people as well. I am dating, and I had no intentions of stopping... it just makes seeing other people weird...

As for KH, I need to tell him about my SI, and I'm a bit afraid. I don't think he will judge me, or run away... but... its still a hard thing to do. I don't want him to see it, and question me when we are together, because that makes it difficult to talk about. Plus if he wants to bail, I want to make sure he has a chance.. before I find out that I like him...

Off to therapy....

With him... again

I spent the night there last night. It was good as usual. I've missed him. I love him. I love being with him. Its not about sex, and I'm not trying to say that to convince myself, because although we have this animal desire for each other, I always want sex more than he does. He makes me feel good. He makes me feel special.

I love that I don't really have to work, and that I turn him on so easily. I know exactly what he likes. He knows exactly what turns me on. He gave me a nice massage last nite, and kisses all over. I love that. One thing led to another.. I came, and we held each other for a long time. He always makes sure I get what I want. Its not even about orgasm though, its just about being together, being that close, being one. Neither one of us can seem to stay away from the other. We both don't want to let go.

I know I keep saying, he'd hold me back, that in the long run we wouldn't be good together... but i wonder about that now. Maybe that's why I can't let go. I think I could be good for him. I think he'd encourage me to follow my dreams, I'd have someone there by my side. It would always be a struggle though, with his record, we'd always struggle. I don't think he should be alone in his struggle.

I met his kids today. His daughter seems like a typical teen. She has a sweet voice... and I'd love to get to know her better. One thing I found though, I can hear the frustration in his voice with his kids. He doesn't know what to do with them. He always said, the kids need a mother in their life, but I think its him that needs them to have a mother in their life. I think he needs it. I know how he feels, I feel the same way, with my daughter, and she's so well behaved... I feel at wits end, and she doesn't really do anything wrong. I don't know... I just wonder what happens from here.

I'm so upset about my car getting hit, finances... , and whether we will move or not... I don't really know what to do...

Date

Went on a date, with, lets say.... S. Nice guy attractive, but already seems a little needy. I like him though. I just feel like all I will do is hurt him. I'm still in love with CG it will be a while before I am able to move on. I'm not wanting to be anyone's rebound girl.

We went to the Pagoda, tried not to kill ourselves going down. Sat on this concent, building type shelter thingy for a while, while my obsessive sister called to talk to me about my daughter. Then I got to talk to Darian as well. She sounded so sweet. I miss her, but as well its nice to have a bit of vacation. Everyone is worried that when she goes to visit my ex, that he will try something. I worry too, but I feel I have to do this. I hope the hell I'm not wrong about this. After that, we hiked up the hill.. stopping every so often to chit chat, and to catch our breathe.

Then after that, we went to eat. Do technically since he paid for dinner, to me it was a date. He didn't try to hit on me though... which is good, he put his hand lightly on my back, at pointe=s during our walk. We went to Infinito's the all you can eat pizza place, that serves Pepsi.. hhheeheh....

Then after that, I wasn't sure what to do, and I knew he'd have to leave soon, plus my shows come on at 9pm on Sunday nite, I was like, lets just go back to my house and hang... well because he already knew where I lived, because I had to give Francis a ride to work. So we watched TV. He was supposed to work overtime, but called in, mostly I think because he didn't want to leave.

To be continued....

continuation.....

So, he's already asked me where this is going to go... What do I say? I tell him, I'm in love with my ex still, and that this will take me a while to get over the pain and hurt. It will take me a while to move on. I'm not looking for something serious right now. And I'm not. But should I say? I feel he's too needy, and that he's kind of pushing it already?

He says, he's ok with friends, and that that is what he is needing right now, but he's already talking about me meeting his family, and also about meeting mine. My sister was obsessively calling me yesterday, so he got to hear about my fucked up family. Should I run? He seems nice. He's attractive. But I already understand why women would run away. He has a decent job though, and has two cars, but he's divorced with two children, and lives with his parents. I know how that is, but if I was 40.. or even like some of my ex's 36... I'd definately be suicidal then. I can't imagine, having some of my goals accomplished by that age. ( no offense to my ex's that read this... ) Although, I know I can't handle living alone, if I'm not married, I'd hope I'd of built something for myself and my children.. (child.. etc)... by then.

I love CG, more than anything. I know we can't be together. But I want him to realize, he deserves more. Despite his mistakes... he deserves better, I just want him to realize that. He deserves happiness.. just like we all do.

Fucked Off

CG.. well I'm not sure if we are talking again... but I was down there Wednesday nite, and we had wild sex all nite. Yes, it was fun, but it wasn't the same as it used to be. I have trouble with orgasm, which I didn't really have before. It feels different a bit too, because I feel upset when I'm with him. He always soothes me and comforts me, but its not the same, because I know we aren't together. I don't have any unrealistic hopes... I know what we are. Just fuck buddies.

When I was leaving Thursday... something was said with the word fuck, and I don't remember offhand what it was. Then he said, " I like fucking you!" I was rather insulted and upset with him, and let him know when he tried to kiss me again when I left. To me, whether its wild or kinky or whatever.. its still me making love to him. It always will be. I love him with all my heart. So then, we talked for a few minutes longer, and with tears in my eyes, I stated, "Everyone just thinks I'm your booty call.", and he replied, " You know thats not true, its the other way around." I laughed, because it was funny, and in a way... he's partially correct, because I go there to get my needs met, the sexual ones, the physically ones, and the mental ones. I feel good when I'm in his arms. I feel safe. I feel love. I feel beautiful and wanted. Yet, so much anymore it hurts like hell.

So the other thing I'm pissed about is my car got hit. Just a little bump, with a scratch, but it still pisses me off, and I want to kill the fucker who did it. I can't afford to get it fixed, and it will probably be less than my deductible, which fucks me off. Plus I'm trying to get new insurance... which makes the whole thing more frustrating.... GRRRRRRRRRRR

Punky

Got a letter from Punky today. It was nice to hear from him, although, he questions my questions. I asked him for sort of a timeline of the time we spent together, partly because I'm forgetful, and partly because... I just want his account of our time/relationship together.

One thing though.. is he told me I shouldn't tell my man about him, and how I love him. I do love Punky, although I'm not in love with him. I tell my bf about it, because he's one of my best friends, and its wrong to hide things from your other like that. He asked me.. how would I feel if my bf told me he loved someone else. How ironic, my bf, CG, told me that, and he chose her over me.. because of his promise.

And although we made an agreement not to see or talk to each other again, I ended up in his arms again last nite. He gave me the attention and love I needed. Although I'm pissed cuz I was almost really late for work, because it took me 4 hours to get here. I don't know what to do about our relationship.

I think.. and think and think... I wonder if I were to become pregnant what would he do. Would he leave me.. would I be alone raising a child. Already the sex has become different, and I know its because I'm hurt. I miss knowing I was his only women, I miss my dreams of the future. I miss thinking I'm the only one. I miss thinking I'm special to him.

I love the way he looks at me and tells me I'm beautful, and brushes my hair from my face. I love that, and the way we snuggle when we go to sleep, how he wraps his legs around mine, and holds me close. I love when he kind of just lays on top of me, or me on him, and hold each other.

Chaos

Things are a bit chaotic for me. CG & I agreed not to see each other. I agreed with what he wanted, because... A. I don't want to see him hurting, B. I know its whats best in the long run, C. I don't want to be where I'm not wanted, D. I feel if he wants to be with someone like her, maybe they deserve each other. I know I sound like a bitch, but I'm angry, I'm hurt, I'm upset, I'm frustrated, and I love him.

I don't love lightly. I love with all my heart & soul. I love with my all. I love passionately, freely, & unconditionally. My love is like that of a innocent child. I may get upset or angry with my other, but I would never deny them my love & affections. Thats how I am. I'm joulesofaffection. I'm Julie... I am me.

Stupidity or Love?

I love him. I really do. But I think stupidity keeps me coming back. I don't know what to do, what to feel, or how to think. Him and I are back talking. No argueing. I feel his pain. I feel his love. I want to be in his arms. I know, and he thinks I don't... I know that he and I will not end up together in the long run. How do I know this? Because I won't allow it. I can't live my life with someone insecure and unsure of himself. I can't allow myself to be in a long term relationship with someone who isn't trying to build a future for himself. I can't live my life with someone who allows bad influences that close into his heart. I can't be with someone who doesn't want the best for himself.

I love him, I really do. I only want the best for him, but I'm really trying to move on. Its hard, I hate that he is hurting lately. I hate knowing he is so happy with me, and misses me so much when I'm not there. I hate that without me he is alone. But I also have my own needs and wants. I'm looking for a husband, a prince, someone to love me unconditionally.. and to help me build a life, a future, for us, for our family. I can't have that with him.