I Was Sad....

But now I'm doing better. Danny called. I was quiet, with not much to say.

My afternoon was quite melancholy, which turned to me feeling depressed, because I was so overwhelmed. I thought about all the things I posted earlier, over and over. I thought about thoughts of them. Then, I got depressed, because I felt like I was wrong about Danny. I went into my spiraling thoughts. I obsessed about him joking about his address. I obsessed about his not giving me his cell number. I obsessed about the things I obsessed about before. Then the thoughts of the meds, and this summer, and hurting myself.

So when he called, even though I was looking forward to the call all day. I sat in silence, hoping he'd tell me something about his day or something of interest, but instead, he asked me how my day was, and I said I felt sad, so thats where the focus went. I couldn't tell him I was obsessing again. I couldn't tell him I didn't want to talk, because I was shutting down. I just wanted to cry,and kept trying to not cry.

The phone call was rather unpleasant, until I said what I needed to say. He made a joke and made me laugh. I opened up and told him some of the things bothering me, and although I'm still stressed, I'm feeling much better.

I got really upset when he read my blog and said that the decisions, and worries I had had nothing to do with us, because they do. They are things I have to decide, but if we are truly wanting to be together, they will all effect us in the future. Thats what I think about. I don't think about just me, and what's good today. If that were the case, things would be different. I'm so confused as to what to do, and I'm barely keeping my head above water. I feel like every time I come up for air, someone is there with a boot on the top of my head pushing me back under.

Now I'm obsessing again, about things he said to me. I hate when I feel like this. I hate not being able to help him understand how missing him feels. I thought I would of seen him by now. That is what I thought the plan was. And still now, I have no idea when. I want to buy a plane ticket and just show up there, but that would be a foolish way to spend my income tax, when right now, we are just barely surviving... And then I still even wonder.... is the address I have for him correct? And get upset because he won't even confirm.. or say... " I live at... " What is so hard about that? What is so hard about giving me your phone number? Then I wonder why he's with me, and if he really has any idea what he's getting into...

I don't think he does.

Then I feel sad, and just want to run away. I want to get away from him, and my feelings for him. So I can minimize the hurt. I can't ever take it away, because I'm too much in love with him for that.

My life is different since I met him. He doesn't seem to understand why I'm lonely. Since I met him, I've lost two really good friends, and have been minimal in my contact with adults. My sister is also gone now too. Things weren't going good, with her here, but at least there was someone to talk to once in a while. Especially when she first came. Matt, still hasn't really talked to me, and its frustrating.. he's back to his can't make time for me, and it pisses me off. I really thought I was going to be mad at him when I got back, for the way he treated me when he started dating my sister, but I wasn't... and I reached out to him, and now, he's being flaky again. And I lost Gywnne, which partly is my own doing, but apparently she wasn't what I thought she was in the first place. All my "fans" have disappeared too... so thats another loss. I tell them I've met someone, and they stay away... for the most part. Then comes the part where I don't do anything on the weekends. The only person I can really go see is my best friend... and thats in Baltimore, and I've not had the money for that.

Then comes the other problem I have. If Danny calls, and I happen to be doing something... then I basically get screwed out of even having a small conversation with him. He immediately says he'll let me go. And I feel like I'm being pushed off the phone. I feel like he thinks everything is more important than him. All I want is to talk to him, and I'm willing to stop most things I'm doing because I feel the need to connect with him. I want to connect with him. I hate the way things are though. I hate that he never can tell me when he can call back. I hate the feeling I feel inside when I miss his call, and he seems like he's upset with me.

Then comes the next thing. He said tonite that I was "delicate". Its just a nice way to say what everyone else says. "You are too emotional. You overreact. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. You are always so moody. You take things too personal." Or what the Doctor's say, " You are Bipolar, You have Borderline Personality Disorder." Take your pick. Seriously. I just feel at some point it will become more of a problem, and he will get sick of me. I get sick of me alot, so its only a matter of time. I'm in group to help me deal with things like this, but only time and practice of developing my coping skills, will really help. I guess we have to wait and see.

So, even though, my sadness has came back, mostly because I'm writing about it here, I'm not feeling as bad as I was, and I'm happy and proud that I was able to open up a bit to Danny. Its so hard for me, and I've went thru so many relationships, suffering, because I couldn't speak up. I felt like I couldn't ask for help. I felt helpless. I felt like what I had to say wasn't worth it. I left all those relationships feeling unheard and unloved. I can't let anything like that happen in this relationship. I don't want to lose this man. He's too special to me. I just hope that he can be patient with me, and help me open up.

Ack, My Head Hurts...

Life is never as simple as it seems. My life has never been simple. Do you ever get jealous of others and how they find things so simple. I find myself doing that, more than I ever thought I did. I know sometimes its not always an honest perception of others lives, but they seem so with it.

I have a wonderful man, who I love very much. I have a awesome daughter, who is my world. I want only the best for her. I want us to form a family, yet hesitate at the same time. Are me and Danny crazy for wanting this so soon. But are we? I don't think we are, but then sometimes I think we are. Then I wonder if I'm getting ahead of myself. Is he really on the same page with me, or is this my fantasy in my head taking over?

I don't want to get caught up in this, yet, I want to make plans for the future. Is this so wrong. I'm sitting here almost in tears, frozen in my tracks, as to what to do. I have so many decisions to make. So many things to worry about. Insurance, Dr's, medicine, therapy, my health, my career, my education, all my past bills, deciding what to do about my car situation. I'll be getting money from my income tax, that will help with all this, but how do I figure out what my priorities are?

I know right now, I just need a vacation. I want to be away from the stress of this house. I want to be with my man, even if its only for a minute. I want to feel his kiss, hold his hand, hear his heartbeat. I need it. I crave it.

I'm not depressed, but I'm not feeling well either. I just don't feel right anymore. I have a migraine right now, but that's not it either. I want to feel like myself again, regardless of if its the same as I was before.

I feel so alone at this moment. I know that this will pass though.

Welcome to Winter

Snow, coming...
ha, finally Dare is happy. So happy.

I am semi looking forward to the weekend. Its a long drive, the weather is supposed to suck, and I'm in the car with my bitchy ass sister, and all I keep hearing in my head is her bf, my friend, saying... "oh, she's only like this because she's pregnant." MY ASS. But he's one for excuses himself. I say this, because I believe this. I feel like people judge me when I say things like this, because I'm not saying I make excuses. But if I felt like talking about that I would. Yes, I sometimes do make excuses. It just tires me, people making excuses for others. It reminds me of my family. Reminds me of many many many wrong things.

Reminds me of my mother, of her family, of the wrongness involved. Their excuses.

It makes me sad.

I have had some really nice conversations with my man lately and feel better about publicly bringing out the wrong in my life. The past hurt, so I can show the truth I've been needing to get out for years. Over the past 3 years mostly, I've been struggling alot. This past year was hell for me. I was barely functional for over half the year. I beat myself up for everything. I now know it doesn't have to be that way. I don't have to wear the label on the front of my shirt. I don't have to wear it at all. I can peel it off and throw it away. I have found many reasons to live, and learned many coping skills. I've found someone who wants to stick by me, and has given me hope that I have the strength within myself to move past the obstacles I've been dealing with. He's also given me a shoulder to lean on, one that I know is strong. I've finally found someone who is looking for the same things, at the same time. It feels great.

Right now, I'm missing him.
But, I know that all is ok, and that he loves me.

Another Day

I didn't do much. What's new. I always say that, but its not totally true. I went to my DBT Group today. I always wonder why I'm there, when I'm there. I'm learning the skills, but some of the stuff is common sense. It's just when I'm in distress, I can't seem to cope at all. I'm worried about the meds. I have a matter of days to decide. Then I talk to the Dr. Get his opinion, and make my decision. Do the meds really make a difference?

I truely believe they don't. Or do I? I want to listen to what people say, because, both times I messed with my meds, things ended up badly. But.... This last time. I was getting more and more depressed. I was like, why am I taking these meds? Especially if they aren't helping? I got more depressed, kept forgetting to take them, and then, just didn't take them.

Things are different now. I'm not at a job that emotional stirs me everyday. I'm not dealing with people screaming at me, for insurance laws. I'm not dealing with that whole environment. I'm not dealing with being in a relationship that I'm not sure about. I'm not dealing with daycare, and transportation expenses. Or how to juggle that and therapy, and everyones schedule.

I am home most days. I have two appts a week, during the day, while my daughter is at school. I spend lots of time with her. I don't wonder what she's doing because I know. She rarely goes to a sitter. She likes having me around, and its only when I've been off work that I've been able to be there for her. When I was working at The Hartford, I worked, and went to school, and never saw her. I didn't wake up with her, I didn't tuck her in. I'd come home late and kiss her, or watch her for a few minutes. No more wondering what's going on at school, or who her friends are. But, of course, I'm having alot of financial problems, but thats nothing new. I've never made enough to support myself and my daughter.

So... my dilema of the day. Meds or no meds... that is the question...

What is wrong with me?

I've been losing my hair.

I'm tired. ( all the time) Even after a good nites rest.

I'm not pregnant.

And now I'm shaking.

I had a fight with my sister, and I'm mad, and upset, because she's being an inappreciative bitch, and because she's telling me I'm one, but that shouldn't cause this much anxiety....
I'm almost out of the one med, and I want to just get off the other meds, I can't afford them without my insurance. But what if I relapse again. What if I become suicidal again....

What Do You Want to be When You Grow Up?

Well, I want to be a race car driver....

Thats my humorous answer anyway. The answer that gets people to laugh, and talk about the past. But seriously.

Seriously. I'm already grown. Sometimes I feel twice my age. Sometimes I feel like a child again. Today, I've felt both. Already. And I've slept about 10 hours out of the day. So before I slept, I felt old. Old because of a conversation I had. I cried. For quite a while. I was sad. I was disappointed in myself. I felt regret. Why haven't I done more with my life. I tried to be more positive and think of the future. Then I got sadder. I thought about my man, and how, if I'm lucky, I'll be starting a career, when he retires from the Air Force. Yeah, how can I make a positive out of that. All I've ever wanted to do is go to school.

I love to learn. I could go to school forever. If I couldn't input the knowledge into my brain, then I'd think something was wrong with me. I'm scared. I have to do something with my life. Thing is, I like working. I almost always find something to enjoy about every job I've had. I enjoy being social, being friendly. I enjoy teaching people. I keep saying lately I want to be a teacher. Its ideal. And although I've always said I want to be an architect, I really don't see that being realistic.

But, my problem with teaching, is being accepted. Not that I don't think I can. But I constantly think about my scars. I want to be an elementary teacher. Do I wear long sleeves all the time? How do I explain it? I'd be constantly around people to see and judge me. My therapist has told me, by the time I get to that point, I'll have more confidence, and it won't matter. I try to see that, but I get questions from my daughters friends. I brush them off, and feel bad about it. I tell them I got hurt. Its a long story. Or if they ask, did a cat scratch me, I'll say ,"Yes" sometimes. I feel bad inside, lying to them. I don't believe lying can ever be good. Regardless if the lie is meant to protect.

So what do I do? Where do I want to be? Its hard. I just want to live day by day. I get upset about the future. I get upset about the past. I feel like no matter what I do. It won't matter. Right now, I just want to cry. I want to talk to my man about these things, and I can't because I can't handle being upset around him. I don't get to talk to him much, I don't want to spend 90% of the time crying. It seems like I do anyway. Right now, I feel like I'm going to loose him. I feel like I am not good enough for him. Actually I always have. I have nothing to offer him. All I have for him is my love. And I think he questions even that. I hope he knows I love him. He'll read this, and I'm sure we will talk about it.

I just feel so hopeless lately. I don't want to think about yesterday or tommorrow. I just want to get thru the day. I want to have hope for the future, but I feel like everything I do, I mess up at, and that he won't want to be with me.

I felt better after a conversation we had the other day, but now I'm back questioning everything again. I want him to spell out what he wants with me.

I want stability. I want love. I want unconditional love. I want a balance.

Sad

I'm hurting
and I don't know why.
I see my life before me,
and all I want to do is cry.

What did I do to deserve this pain?
Why does it hurt so bad?
I'm scared, I'm hurt,
I'm full of shame.

Why does my heart hurt?
Why does my pain soar?
Tears down my cheeks,
And on to the floor.

My insides hurt,
My whole body full of ache,
How much more of
This pain, do I take?

Tell me please,
Why it hurts so bad?
Why I want to cry,
And always feel sad.

2:36AM 01/20/2007

The Tapes

I wish I could explain to him,
How I feel.

The sadness,
The anger,
The attitude,
Who can understand what is real?

Actions speak louder than words,
I always say,
How can I show him
I love him,
When my acting out,
gets in the way.

My intentions
never bad,
My voice,
getting sad.

I tell him its not him,
And its not,
It's the inner me,
It's my inner thought.

The thought,
The tapes,
playing over and over.
The ones that say,
"You aren't so great!"

They tell me,
I'm bound to repeat the past,
They tell me,
This love, will never last.

They show me, I've set
Myself up again,
And again.
This is exactly
where I've already been.

I tell myself "NO",
This time is different,
But I still hear
The tape playing,
And listen in fear.

I'm tired.

I'm too tired to write to much. I'm worried about alot of stuff though. I'm extremely tired. Too tired to function. I've barely done anything at all and I'm about to pass out here writing. I'm going to bed after I type this. My hair is falling out, and breaking off. More than it should. I have a Dr's appointment tommorrow though. I'm trying to get all the stuff straight for when I lose my insurance. I have to find out what my income is going to be this month though.

I feel so much better about me and my man. I still have some concerns, but I no longer have a horrible feeling of losing him. I still fear it, but not like before. It felt good to hear him say nothing that happened would cause him to break up with me. I truely love him, and know it will be worth the wait. When he was here, it was amazing. Amazing to have all those feelings, without it being about sex, and intercourse. I feel that feeling in my chest, everytime I think of our time together. I felt so comfortable with him, like it was always mean to be.

I'm missing him so much right now. I can't wait to see him again.

Crying

My mom actually wanted to talk to me last nite. I cried and cried. It hurt. I couldn't tell her everything I wanted to, but I started to. I couldn't help but question..... Is she drunk? I kept asking myself.....

She kept telling me how much she cared. I told her she didn't really show it. She kept saying she wanted me to get better, so I wonder what she thinks is going on with me. I told her I was getting better.

I just wish I really felt like I was getting better. Well sometimes I do, but sometimes, I feel twice as worse. I'm jealous of people that can cope. But I'll figure this stuff out, I just hope its before I destroy myself.

Aftermath

I'm still confused as to what else is going on. At least since blogger is no longer in its beta version, my blog isn't as public as it used to me. Many people seem to take my writing wrong though. I use this as my outlet, not for others to judge me, or what I do or don't say.

I don't know how to cope with my feelings, and I do make bad choices, and have bad reactions. I haven't seen my man in over a month, and I am lonely. I wanted my friends to see that, and give me a call, or whatnot. I am not used to having a man that I don't get to talk to as much. Its hard on me. I know from what he says, that he misses me as much, but it doesn't show so much in his actions. I'm always emailing him with rarely a response. I know he is busy with work. I want to be the understanding girlfriend but I guess I'm wanting too much.

I have this ultimate feeling to feel loved and needed. I feel loved when we talk. But when we aren't talking, I don't feel loved or needed. I try really hard to think of our good times, and all of our good conversations, but its still really hard.

I don't talk to my ex's or hang out with people that I know to purposely hurt my man. But it seems to hurt him anyway. I don't know where the boundaries are, or what I can do to make it up to him. I just want to know he loves me.

Just yesterday, I felt we'd worked on some things, and now I just feel so lost. I just want to sit and talk to him, and I still can't. I don't think anything will be resolved until we are physically together, and are able to talk.

I've had this kind of bad feeling, a concern, since shortly after he went home. Since I was talking about getting tested for STD's. He didn't bother to tell me that he went home and got tested. It hurt when I found out, because he didn't tell me. I am glad he got tested, but I felt so dirty. Especially since I told him I was a bit promiscious, and then asked him to get tested. Its not like I didn't get tested, but I felt so horrid, about my life. I hate some of the things I've done. I don't get over them. They still eat away at me. I just don't feel like I understand anything anymore. I feel like a little girl, curled in a corner, crying.

I Give Up

I don't know what I'm supposed to do, or how I'm supposed to feel. I apparently have no idea how to be a good girlfriend. I've never dated a guy that was more nosy than I was. I've never felt like I'm hiding something. I don't know what to do. I give up.

I don't know what he wants from me. I don't know why he even wants me. I don't know how its ok for me to write things here, and its not ok for me to talk to certain people. I'm not even sure it matters anymore. I'm really depressed about this. Actually no I'm not, I'm just tired about it.

I know I probably shouldn't of hung out with him. But it was innocent. He was across the street from my house. He told me where he was, and I was like.. "oh.. ur right by my house" and he's like "Yeah?" and something was mentioned about stoppin' over.. and i said he could. My daughter was still up. He knows how much I love my bf. And I figured I'd just deck him if he tried anything. I did think of maybe I should say no, don't come over, but we were supposed to meet for coffee sometime anyway.

I can't even finish what I was gonna say here, because I feel like I shouldn't say anything. All I want to do is cry. I'm off to my room to do just such.

Wondering

I wonder why I feel the way I do. I wonder why he came into my life. I hate feeling like this. I hate his words in my head. Him saying " I'm not good enough for you."

He read my email. Something I've done, to every guy I've dated, if I had half a chance. I guess it only bothers me, because I can't do the same. The email accounts that I can get into, he set up just for me. I want to get in and read the other one. Why? Just because I do.

I got a taste of my own medicine. An innocent email blown out of proportion. I hurt my man, and I didn't purposely do anything. I was feeling sad and lonely and depressed, and I wrote a bulletin on myspace, to try to get my friends to talk to me, without emailing anyone and saying how aweful I felt. And it hurts him. I don't know what to think about the situation.

I stop seeing my guy friends. I stop talking to the ones that were chasing after me.... and here I am alone. I'm alone, and want to be with my man, and I can't be. I sit here waiting. Waiting for him to call. Waiting for an email. Waiting for anything. He controls our relationship, and I can't do anything about it. I don't want to lose him, yet I feel so helpless, and thats not where I want to be.

I feel like he feels that I tell people he's a bad boyfriend, but despite anything that I write online... here, or on myspace or on yahoo... I tell everyone how wonderful he is. I truely feel like he's my missing piece. I was so happy when we were together. I was happy how things were before we met. We talked almost everyday. For a long time. Since he's been home, things are different. Its like well.. . I feel like.. its the whole, he won me over thing, now he doesn't have to try to do anything special for me. Thats not completely true, though, because he's been taking care of me, and helping me reduce some other stressers. I think relationships will always be stressful to me, though. I don't know how to cope. I never have. Its something, I'm just not learning.

I love him, and I have fears. Fears of us not working out, fears of us working out. Both are just as stressful. Is he really the man, that I'm meant to spend my life with? He's handsome, sexy, highly intelligent, and has empathy. He tries to be patient with me. But in the back of my head I have these fears. I wonder why he says some of the things he does to me. He tells me he loves me and wants to be with me, then I feel like I'm being attacked for my faults. He told me yesterday that I was selfish and everything is about me. That I don't understand other peoples feelings. I couldn't and still can't understand what he means. I just keep thinking about how selfish I am. How my sister told me the same thing. I keep crying about this. Right now, I'm in tears again. His phone went dead last nite, and he never called back, and I cried myself to sleep. I feel so much pain.

I'm done with myspace. I'm done with hotornot. I'm done with everything. Everything I do, seems to cause drama. The only email I've got from my man, in a long time... says..."I should add a bunch of girls to my myspace page and put up a bulletin saying I am lonely. I wonder how that would go over with you??? " & that really hurts. I don't understand why he would say such hurtful stuff. I know sometimes... I misinterrupt what he's saying.... but its getting ridiculous. I'm tired of all the drama. I'm tired of it all.

Now I want to cry for other reasons. My daughter is happy we are home alone all weekend. I'm indifferent about it. I don't really like being alone. But its been like.. forever since Darian and I were by ourselves. We've almost always lived with someone. I feel more secure. My brother, his girlfriend and his son were visiting and left, my sister, whose been staying with me, went up to have a procedure on her teeth, and my aunt, went up north to visit. My daughter said to me.. "its good mommy, then we have noone to boss us around" I asked her what she meant, and she said my aunt bossed us around alot. I said to her... what about when I boss you around, and she said she didn't care.

It makes me sad that I can't provide a place for her. Her own space. Our own space. All I've wanted is a family, and I don't feel like a family is complete with just me and her. I want a husband. Another child...

I just want to be happy. I know a man can't bring me that. I know its something I find on my own, but I really want to spend more time with my man, and see where it leads. I'm just afraid, that I'm only going to hurt him. I'm afraid I'm going to be hurt. I'm afraid he's never going to understand my issues & that I'll never understand him. I'm afraid my thoughts of jealousy will break us apart. I'm afraid we aren't going to make it. I'm afraid, that maybe its the wrong time for us. I'm afraid, maybe I'm the one not ready for commitment, I'm afraid, maybe he isn't ready for what I bring.... I'm afraid his job will be too much for me. I'm upset because I think these things. I'm upset because I'm so needy. I'm upset because I feel like he doesn't tell me enough about his life. I feel like he never answers my questions. I am upset because I feel like I'm not being listened to. I feel like alot of things are one sided.

I know he's trying to call more, but my concerns still are never resolved. I never know how to bring them up. I'm more able to communicate online, and all of this is really hard for me. I think the hardest part, is just not knowing. I feel like I don't know anything. I can't call and get ahold of him. I never know when he's going to call. I never know if he's home or working. And when he does forget to call, he doesn't even say anything about it. I guess sometimes I just want an acknowledgement of saying he'd do something and not do it. He comes thru for me on everything else. I want to see him. I just want to fly out there and be with him. I want to see him, and his life. Thing is, I wouldn't even care if he was at work most the time, because I just need a vacation, period. These people here are driving me insane.

I want to understand what he wants. He says he just needs my love, but I know he needs more. Whether or not, he realizes that, I'm not sure. I do love him. I just am such a mess mentally and emotionally... I don't expect anyone to deal with me. I can't even deal with me.

Lately my old thoughts of suicide and self harm come. I can't get rid of them completely. I'm coping with the thoughts in my mind, but I almost checked myself in. I just get so tired of trying to live, and not getting anywhere.

I'm lost....

I'm so lost, so sad, so angry.
For so many reasons.

I'm scared I'm going to lose him.
I'm anxious 24/7.
I've had a migraine for 3 weeks almost.
Today is the first speck of relief I've had.

I miss him. I'm upset because he isn't calling back when he says he is. I'm more upset because he acts like its only been two seconds since we talked. Not that he disappeared for over 24 hours. That is what upsets me. Instead of saying... "oh honey, I'm sorry, I did this or that or whatever!"

I understand he's busy. But I can't understand broken promises persay. When you say your going to call someone you call them. If it happens on occassion, fine it happens. But every time? Please!

He's probably going to read this and be like, I don't know, worried about me or something, but maybe thst's why I chose to write it here.

I'm so lonely. I can't stand this. I have nothing. I know or I wish I had school to go back to... but I don't. I don't talk to the guys I used to on the phone. Partly because I know it can lead to trouble, but partly out of respect for him, and that I wouldn't like him talking to chics, so i give him the same curtesy. But I don't think he realizes how much I've changed my behaviours for him. For US! Sometimes I think he thinks I'm playing him. I don't get it.

I get people telling me every day. He's playing you. He's this or he's that. When there would be no reason for it. He hasn't got anything from me. Well he has my love, and if he's playing me for that, thats sick and cruel. I don't believe he is, but when I hear things like today, I get really really upset.

We barely talked, and when I finally spoke up and said I was upset. He said... " Yeah, I'm not good enough for you!" And I didn't know what to say. When I tried to say something, the phone disconnected again, for like the 3rd time. I think he kept calling me back like 4 or 5 times. I guess he gave up. He needs to get his phone fixed or something. How are we supposed to have a relationship?

I got so upset with my sister. I told her, finally what he said that really upset me, and she assured me he was a busy man, but then was like, "we all know how long distance relationships turn out." Apparently bad. I don't feel this one should be this way, but right now I'm lost, and scared, and I don't know what I'm feeling. I just want to know that I'm loved, and I don't feel it right now.