FUCK IT

I am soooo FUCKING angry right now.. I want to scream, cry, or break something. I waited two and half hours for Calin today. Something that seems to become a new habit of his. And where was he? At the pub, watching a game. Where does that put me as a priority in his life 0, where do I put him, prolly number 3, after taking care of Darian and myself. This pisses me off to no end. I'm even more pissed, because I get back online, to see if he's come home and ... it shows he's offline, but he's really there, invisible.. and I wonder, what does he hide from? Me? Another woman? who? Then he says only a few words, and I'm so angry I put myself on invisible.. cuz I don't know what to say. And he leaves. I really want to talk to him about all this, but because I'm angry I don't think I can. But I tried to call him anyway.. and no answer.

I'm beginning to wonder about all this. I don't know if its cuz he's so far away, of because of past boyfriends or what. But I'm beginning to think this is all bullshit. Him, me.. anything. Maybe he is using me to get a visa and live in America.. but then why would he suggest moving to another country ?? I don't know, but I didn't like that discussion either, about moving somewhere else, to start new, somewhere outside the US.

I'm now feeling so sad, I'm tring not to cry. I don't know what to do, to say to him. I don't know what to feel. I feel so FUCKING alone. I need someone right now. I think I'll go to a chat room and see what I can find.

WISH ME LUCK