On My Desk....

Is a fortune cookie fortune. It says... "You will come to realizations in you life that change you forever" .....

I had that up there for a long time, and then one day I looked at it again. That was a few months ago, or maybe a little longer, when I first came to some realizations about my life.

Last nite I came to another one.

The men that want me, or that I want, either physically or mentally or emotionally... I don't really want them. I want them for one reason or another, but as a whole, I can't be with them. Mostly because of my mental/emotional health, but at this point, I can't ever see me building a life with any of them. For one reason or another, I don't trust most of them, I won't say all. A lot of them have habits, or lifestyles, that they don't for the most part bring here in front of me, but that I can't tolerate in my lifestyle. I would never ask them to stop those behaviours, because that isn't my call, but I don't want someone I love involved in anything like that.

Today, A.A., my friend asked me how my boyfriend was, I replied, " what boyfriend, or should I say which one?" I am not sure what made me say this, but to an extent its true. All these men chase after me, or want me, whether to build a relationship or just for sex, and although I feel good when I'm with them, they usually aren't there either physically, (they live far away), or emotionally.... They have their own lives, which I'm not involved in.

Its sad but true, and now, I just have to find the strength to let go and move on completely, because as they don't want to intentionally hurt me, I don't want to hurt them, and continueing with my behaviours, leads people to think things, besides what I mean.