Pain free and lonely me

Not much to blog about. Feeling quite lonely, and left out I suppose. I've realized recently, I don't have as many true friends as I thought I did, just acquaintainces, and that is something I've never really brought to my reality. Sad but true.

No headaches, for about 4 days now !!! Terrific news!!

I feel alot of pain because I'm not as close to certain family members. I think back and its not any different from being in Wichita. No phone calls, no letters. Although I do see this person once in a while, I don't really get to talk to her. I hate it. I want to be closer to someone in my family. I want to really feel like someone cares. I mean this person decided on a date for an important event, and where it was going to be, and didn't bother to tell me, but told everyone else. I hate feeling like an outsider. I want my own family. I want my own place in life. I want my own place in this world. Although it is a world, I would never want to own up to. It is an angry evil place. I want to find the good in life. I want to go with what I truely believe, that most people are good. I want to see it for myself though.

Not sure what else to say... Although I am bothered, because Calin said I seemed to be cold lately. And then he wouldn't explain himself. It makes my heart ache. Although it already does because I miss him so. I keep having this feeling, that we are wasting our time, and no matter what we do, we won't be together. I know that is my negativeness, but no matter how much I try and stay positive about out future that comes to me.

I just feel like curling up in a ball and crying right now. Feeling so alone, and lonely.. and not wanted... I'm hurting alot inside. I need to be held. I need to be loved.

One day I will find what I need.