Something to think about.

I sit here realizeing that my life is going nowhere really fast. I don't know what to do. I feel stuck between wanting to rule the world, and wanting to go up to my bed, and sleep forever. I hate that I have to feel this emotional pain. I hate feeling the physical pain I feel almost on a daily basis. I fear going out and forgetting my medicine.

I am also sitting here feeling guilty for my grandmother having missing 120 dollars. It was only my sister and I in the house, and then the money was gone. I know I didn't take it. Why do I feel so guilty. Because I allowed myself to let her in. She's my fucking sister for Christ sake. I didn't steal the money, I don't have any proof she did either. But either way, I'm not responsible. Then why do both my grandma and my aunt find me responsible. Maybe cuz my whole family is fucked up. I shouldn't have to feel guilty for something I didn't do, I have enough guilt on my shoulders, from things I did do

I'm also feeling bad because I've no wedding plans yet. Calin wants me to wait till he is here, and it is driving me nuts. So nuts that I'm having negative thoughts about the whole thing. I guess I just don't want to be ill prepared. That and I guess I'm jealous, cuz my gram is helping Sally, and I know that noone will help me with my wedding plans. It drives me crazy. I just wish I could feel as if I belonged to a part of my family. I know in my head, that I never will though.

Something else I wanted to ponder. The other day in partial.. I played the most violent sport on earth. It was ping pong. YOu should of been there. I almost got my head taken off. It was all in good fun though.

Thoughts: a little confused, erriatic, negative, and a little suicidal
Interruptions: positive affirmations, and positive reinforcement.

I am trying to enjoy my life, its a hard struggle though.