I AM STILL ALIVE

Ok.. I'm here, what more can you ask for? Lots, I did try to kill myself, apparently unsuccessfully, and I went to the quote on quote "nut ward" for a week. It was the most horrible place I've been so far in my life. They people there, where not helpful, no one on one therapy, and most people there didn't care much about the patients. I'm still lost. They basically kicked me out, didn't care if I had meds, and told my aunt and others I was uncooperative, which was untrue. Though, I did constantly bitch because the one nurse gave me a hard time, because I was going to call home for tampons, and she told me I wasn't allowed, although its not on the contraband list. I was extremely pissed, mostly because they took their sweet ass time over 30 hours I believe to give me my birth control pills after my aunt brought them. I have no insurance, so I have no follow up care, and am so lost and confused. While there, I did meet a few nice people, but the bad outweighed the good.

At one point during my hospital stay, I asked, P. back out (or EPB), for what reason I don't know, probably because I love him, but... I don't understand or anything... how to stop the relationship. I love and care for him.. and don't want to hurt him, yet I feel its time for me to move on. Today.. has been completely mind blowing, in a confusing way.. Share more about that in a minute. I first want to retype a letter I wrote to T, while in my stay, and some brief journaling that I did, while I was there, and some I did earlier today. While in the hospital, I got ahold of T., he called me back, and we chitchatted, but... when I was letting him go, he was like... hey... and I was like .. yeah.. and he said he loved me. I wasn't sure how to take it, and still not 100% about it, but... all i said back was... thank you. I was stunned, .. .. but.. it felt good at the same time. Lately I've been feeling close to him, he's brought me happiness, and talking with him, helps me sort things out, and has helped me realize alot. Especially the fact that... well, I've realized, though I'm depressed, well... I've always felt.. that well I've never been happy, but realized, because of talking with T. that.. I do have moments of happiness and that is what I need to hold on to.

August 28th, 2004

Dear T.,
So much is going thru my head right now, mostly that you just said you loved me. I love you so much, as a friend. That is the part that confuses me so much. You were a good support to me this last week before I tried to kill myself. You made me laugh. You made me smiile. You brought life into what I was making death. I still am looking forward to meeting you. You are a great guy! I know you are looking for a gf and part of me wonders what if? But I'm having a hard time with my feelings because I truely do love Peter. As you have been a great support, he has also, its just relationships are really hard for me.
I don't know how much pyschology you've read or believe, but I have Borderline Personality Disorder, Just a name for how I act, is what I believe. In a relationship, I push away and if you go away, I cry. I ask for forgiveness, and as soon as I get close again, I push away. Its really hard on me and whomever I'm dating and it takes years to work on and change Borderline habits. I'm hoping that my insurance will help get me into DBT or CBT groups. These help change actions and reactions to different stimuli.
I don't know if you remember me saying to you that when I met Peter, I didn't think it would work out. I didn't. I had it in my head, right now my mind is clearer, but on of those things on my mindwastthat thought of you, and that we wouldn't be right together. Wrong place, wrong time. Just too much going on with me, but I hope you stay by my side as a friend, because I need you more than ever. I want to be able to be there for you. I want to hear some of your stories and find out what you are all about.
I'm very sleepy now so I'm off to bed, but Please know that I love you , also.
Pare of me was hurting and I thought you had abandoned me. That is a mix of my neediness and my ever changing overreacting mood swings.

Love,
Julie