Loving Him

Is bringing faith into my life. I feel things, I've never felt before. I more than ever want to find faith. I more than ever want to make a difference in the world. I have hope for the future. I still have my worries, but hopefully in the next few months, they will calm.

In therapy, because of something that he said to me, I opened to my therapist my need to discuss my past, the past that is haunting me. That is what we are working on next week.

I am having more inspirations. I want to lose weight, not just to feel more beautiful, but to feel on the outside what I am feeling on the inside. I want to be so beautiful on my wedding day. I want him to always look at me, and know that all the men around him are envious. Not only because I am beautiful, but because I am the total package. Sexy, intelligent, loyal, loving & couragous. He told me I am strong. I know I am, but I forget. I needed reminded.

I thank God for the strength I've had. I know many have worse lives, and I hope one day to have more strength to help those that need someone to lean on.

"Lean on me" thats me and my best friends song. I think she is the only one in the world that shares that special song with me.

I've been up talking to an ex, a friend, one who needs God in his life. He always had so much faith. He was there, in my heart when I tried to kill myself. He was one of the reasons I changed my mind about my death. I came closer than I ever had.

Never again.

I will never again, attempt such things. I am glad they barely cross my mind. My daughter so far in her life, has never doubted my love. That is something I find important. My therapist said to me... " if you killed urself, it is something that would happen, she would doubt your love towards her." I could never do that to her. I could never put her thru what I go thru every day. Doubting the love my parents have for me. I think I will always doubt it... though hopefully one day I will be ok with it.

Many love me.... and I know this....
Darian
My Grammy
My Aunt Sally
My love, Danny
My best friend, Shannon
My other best friend, Lisa
My kitties, Babe, Callie & Phoenix - Animals love unconditional like children
& I know everyone on this list loves me unconditionally... and despite any angry they ever felt towards me.. ( or frustration) their love always continued, and I never doubted it....

I know many others love me, but because of my personality and mood disorders, if you aren't there for me, I forget. I know in my mind, that u are there, dispite, but my emotions take over, and I go wild with doubt. These people on my list (and Danny being new... and maybe I will lose that faith, but I hope not.. ) never gave me that feeling, that doubt... that emotional trama....

And its something I need.
Thank you, God. I hope one day, I will feel that you love me unconditionally... and if not, I know you know that I'm trying. My faith is weak, but I shall yet, seek and find my truth.