The Last Month - The New Year

So much has happened in the last month, I'm not even sure where to begin.

A little over a month ago, I met D., Well, started talking to him online. He emailed me thru hotornot. After emailing back and forth a few days, I asked if we could talk on the phone, and he gave me his number. We've talked ever day since. We met over New Years Weekend. We fell in love before we met, but held it back until we met. It was wonderful. I didn't feel uncomfortable at all. It felt great. He's a handsome, sweet attractive man. I adore him. I want to marry him. Yes, I've been talking to him for a month, and I want to marry him.

The first nite I went down to Baltimore I ended up staying at his house. He lives with his parents, so they fixed up a guest bed for me. I love D, and part of the reason I feel I love him more, is because I know its not about sex. We haven't had sex yet. We've fooled around a little bit, and even slept in the same bed more than once, but we haven't made love. I know it will be good once we do, but it doesn't seem that important.

His smile makes me melt, the way he looks at me. I told him yesterday, I didn't see passion between us, and although I can say that, I am not sure how to describe it. I'm not sure how passion exists without sex, because I've never had that. I feel comfort in him. I feel comfort with him. We have alot in common, despite all of the differences in the way we have been raised. We both love music, him a bit more than me, but he actually has musical talent. Both love Harleys... :) Both Love Girly Mags ;) lol, fhm, playboy.. etc... *giggles*. The fact that we both enjoy learning, and like to help people is a big thing I love that we have in common. He's already an electrician. (he's 26 like me), and now he's in the academy, and is going to be a police officer. I find it amazing. He likes to watch some of the same types of movies as me... he's very open, and accepting. We have a similar sense of humor, believer family is important, and love kids.

I wonder about the future though, and wonder if all my hopes, our hopes will come true. I've already changed something about my future, and my therapist thinks its strictly because of a man. Thing is, in a way it is, but if I would of found out about the tranferability of this course, in regards to moving elsewhere I'd drop it as well. I dropped it because I want to move to Maryland so D, and I can be together. Is this wrong? I don't really want to move, but I couldn't ask him to, he's settled in that, thats where is job is. My job is changable. I don't feel like I'm giving up anything though, I feel like I'm going to make my future better. I feel like D., and I will be working on something good together. I feel like people judge me harshly because I have a mental illness. So yes, I know I can't depend on a man to make me happy, and I don't expect that, its just I do want someone to share my life with. I want someone to help, that can help me. I don't think anyone should have to be alone. I want a family.

I want to type so much more, but I have too many thoughts in my head right now to really figure it all out.