Things aren't always what they seem

Just as usual. Things aren't always what they seem. What are they? Right now, I am not sure, but I am not sure everything is how it was.

I am getting ready for surgery on June 13th. Something I should have considered a long time ago, I wouldn't even considered it now, if it wasn't for wanting children with him. So that is what let me here, and now I keep thinking about all the amazing things I can do again.
Running, riding a bike, getting better at karate, doing a pullup, cartwheels, swimming, and so many amazing things.... I can't wait to have my tool.

I find myself being so judgemental though. I don't like that part of me. I judge others who are weak, who don't have as much weight to lose, others who don't think ahead like me. I have to realize others are not me. I have my own faults, and thru this I will probably learn more about myself than I ever have. I hope thru this journey I can become a mother again, and if I can't, I hope that I can live with that fact that I can't.

I've realized that I am happy without a relationship and for as bad as I thought he was, I don't think he was exactly what I thought he was. He was struggling with things, and was going thru some things, and didn't know how to deal with them. I remember those days for me. I used to cut myself and then try to kill myself. I would use drugs and drink and just kinda go crazy. I know so many people will not understand my decisions over the last few months, but guess what? Those people are not really in my life. They don't text, they don't call or Facebook, or write letters or check up on me. It's sad, because I realize, that I don't really have any true close friends anymore. I have friends, but most of them, I can't really share my heart with. I can't tell them a lot of things without being judged or whatever, and it's ok. It really is. I realize these people, they aren't want I want or need in my life.

I have been enjoying my support group, and hope to build some friendships there. So regardless, hopefully my future has some brightness in it.

I just hope I am not putting too much into this surgery. I see so many people sad and disappointed. I don't know what they were expecting from surgery. I guess a miracle, but they are sick or unable to eat and they want to give up. The scale doesn't move fast enough. I don't know that I feel that pressure. I want to drop the lbs, I'm looking forward to losing weight, but overall, I'm fine with slow weight loss, I want to be healthy. I want to have more energy, but I know that the first few weeks, months are not going to be easy. I may be more tired, I may be in pain, I may struggle, but I hope that I don't want to give up. I hope that I don't easily want to give up.

I just keep trying to encourage others. I try to give tips, and tell them the advice my Dr's and nutrionists give me. I feel like my team is giving me good advice. Some of the people in my group, I feel like their team is not good for them. It's actually kind of scary. I just hope that everyone can be successful. I don't think failure is an option. I don't even know what failure is for me. I guess failure would be if I can't have children, but in reality, that has nothing to do with surgery. I may not have fertile eggs, I may have more things wrong with me.. .it may just not be God's plan for me... I feel like if I lose weight, then I have reached success. If I get my sugars lower and get rid of the insulin resistance... I have succeeded...

I just have so much in my head. I wish I had a tape reorded in my head to record everyting to type it all here.