I felt more than I could handle today. I cut.. too many times to count, just on my shoulder... on my left arm. I was sitting in my chair, and didn't want anyone to see. It worked out well, it gave me some relief, but still not sure, how my emotions got that out of control.
I do know, I have alot going on, a new job, trying to get everythign taken care of for my new car, a new bf, and a friend of mine dying. The funeral was today, I attending, skipping work.
I skipped work for so many reasons, and want to quit so bad. I can't recall ever really giving up on anything, except my life, which is really hard to deal with.
I hate the thoughts in my head. They are like these aweful voices of my conscience, screaming at me to die. I thought about doing the same thing that happened to CC, my friend that died... Driving even faster (after somehow disableing my airbag) and just running into that tree. Would anyone miss me? Would they care?
EPB is wonderful.. I'm just afraid of so much, I'm afraid of relationships. I worry I guess, because I feel we are both a bit needy, and just dating, because we need someone special, someone loving in our life. I wonder if we will be able to support each other... emotionally. I wonder what he will decide about, the fact that I have HPV. Right now, he acts like he would love to be with me forever, and would be alright with the fact that we never made love. I don't know what to think of that. I wonder if I will have the strength to talk to him about what I did to myself today. And what his reaction will be.
I want only to do something with my life. I want much more than to just survive. Thats all I've been doing my whole life. I want to live. I want to experience my life to the fullest. I don't want regrets. I want to be happy, to be free, to love, to be loved. I wonder, am I strong enough.. to make it happen.. for me, for my daughter, for a happy life.
Sunday, May 16, 2004
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