I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do

... I'll be right there waiting.... waiting for you..
But will you be waiting for me?

I doubt it. I meet so many people. I feel so much pain. I love them.. without asking for anything in return. Maybe that is wrong of me.. cuz they didn't ask me to love them. And no matter what happens, how mad, or sad, or upset I get, I'll still love them, unless I find out they've done something extremely evil. I can forgive most things, a little dishonesty, cheating (though I'd not date that person again), stealing.. etc... Its hard to explain... each circumstance is different. I could never forgive, sexual assault, or the molestation or injury of a child.. and of course, not rape either. But.. I know people who think badly of me.. because I cut. I would never judge them, if they did the same. I'd never judge them, if they smoked, or drank too much, or were even addicted to video games, or porn. WHY?? Why do they have to judge me? I don't understand, I don't comprehend....
Read.. below.. an example:


5/21/2004 7:08:56 PM Exalted Angel Izu! yeah.. since they made me a cashier... i like that so much better.. my mood has improved.. like 220%....
5/21/2004 7:09:02 PM Exalted Angel Izu! but.. i'm not really doing soo good overall
5/21/2004 7:09:08 PM Exalted Angel Izu! i've beeen.. you know
5/21/2004 7:09:29 PM Izu! Exalted Angel Same as always, huh? Glad works better for you.
5/21/2004 7:10:23 PM Exalted Angel Izu! what do you mean? um.. its that week.. right now.. where i get really upset...
5/21/2004 7:10:34 PM Exalted Angel Izu! and.. ... I've been cutting.. and I dont really understand why
5/21/2004 7:10:55 PM Izu! Exalted Angel ...
5/21/2004 7:12:23 PM Izu! Exalted Angel I'm really not sure what to say to that Julie.
5/21/2004 7:12:32 PM Exalted Angel Izu! you dont have to say anything
5/21/2004 7:12:40 PM Izu! Exalted Angel Then I don't think I will.
5/21/2004 7:12:52 PM Exalted Angel Izu! umm..
5/21/2004 7:15:30 PM Exalted Angel Izu! you think badly of me.. when I say things.... like that dont you
5/21/2004 7:16:29 PM Izu! Exalted Angel Pretty much. It makes me want to stop talking with you, because I can't help you, can't save you, can't change you , and all I can do is sit back and watch the fireworks as you self-destruct.
5/21/2004 7:18:15 PM Exalted Angel Izu! then pretty much.. .. I just shouldnt share with you, because.. its not really ur concern.... and I'm sorry I did
5/21/2004 7:20:23 PM Izu! Exalted Angel It's not that. It's that it's a broken record. Same thing over and over. Look, I'm all for you sharing, and all for you expressing yourself. Always going back to the subject of cutting, or wanting to cut, or actually cutting. Then saying you don't know why, or how you can't help it.
5/21/2004 7:21:01 PM Exalted Angel Izu! just dont worry about it ok
5/21/2004 7:21:06 PM Exalted Angel Izu! i'll leave you alone from now on
5/21/2004 7:21:16 PM Exalted Angel Izu! you dont have to worry.. or think.. or have me bothering you
5/21/2004 7:21:35 PM Izu! Exalted Angel Alright

They thing that is the worse.. is .. I hardly talk to this person about cutting, or even mention it to him. The thing is.. I used to date him, and he told me... well... if I cut while we were dating, then it was over. How could you say that to someone you care about?

I wrote another poem... this morning...

My love for you is strong,
Believe this,
though we've not known
each other for long.

Each day my thoughts
think of you,
I want you more and more each day,
What will I ever do?

A kiss, a whisper, I love you,
beautiful words, full of love,
Where did you come from?
Where you sent from above?

I don't want to lose you,
for fear of a short life.
I will always love you,
Wishing someday, to become your wife.



Talked quite abit with EPB last nite. Especially about the whole wanting to break up thing. We talked thru it. I still don't know how much I can handle a relationship, but being without him, somehow seems worse. He gives me something to look forward to, something to dream about. He gives me inspiration, he doesn't lecture me on my cutting, because he so knows, he never went to any of the extents that I did, but he used to self injure. I feel he can relate more. He always is very sootheing and loving, wishing he was here, to help me thru my rough times. Though, it did hurt when he told me his heart is mostly hollow, because of his past.


His friends wanted to go to a strip club tonite. He said.. he really didnt want to go, cuz all that are there are scanky women, and the only woman he wants to see is me. I told him he sounded pussywhipped, and in a way he did. I wouldn't mind if he goes... cuz.. I know, I have his heart.... and they have nothing, not even his respect.


There is so much more I could say, but not sure where to start, I started as a cashier today, and will be working on my own tommorrow.. a little nervous, but much more confident. I enjoyed my day at work, though it was long and tiring.