My world

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So, had lots of appointments today. Had to get my weekly allergy shot. My asthma seems to be doing well. I got upset about my job in the deli, talked to the "BIG" boss.. and well, they are moving me out of the deli, and into being a cashier... so I'll actually know what I'm doing. Finally got insurance for my new car, and got it registered today. Received my first pay check.

Things seem to be going good with EPB, and me. He's sweet as ever. Always supportive,and doesn't lecture me on my cutting. I worry though. Are we moving too fast.. some of my friends seem to think so. I don't know what to think. I do wonder why he's so in to me. He plays his guitar sometimes when we are on the phone. Its rather nice. I sometimes wonder if he is too young, what he wants to do with his life, what is future plans are.... and what he thinks will happen with us.

We haven't talked about the HPV thing lately. I'm sort of afraid to bring it up, cuz then I'll just feel bad again, because I know he's scared to make love to me. But, its ok I guess... just depressing.

Made some flowers for Cherie.. and hung out with L. last nite. Her hubby ended up coming home. I kept asking him why he wouldn't talk to me. He finally got mad about other stuff, (whispering L was doing.. ) and flipped out, and was like " I DON'T LIKE HER" , I almost started crying, I didn't want it to get to me. I just sat there, thinking about cutting... thinking about hurting myself.. thinking about death. Wondering, what did I do.. why doesn't he like me? WHY?? WHY?? After I left though, I got over it.. a bit. It still bothers me, but just because most people like me, I guess I can't expect everyone to.

I tried to see my OB/GYN today, but he canceled, was delivering babies. I'm trying to get something for this depression I have right before my period, since I can't get in to see the NUT dr.. until July. I talked with the Nurse Practitioner there, and she called his office and got me an appointment up there. Wednesday, hopefully he will be able to help. SHe was worried. I don't really think I'd try to kill myself, but sometimes its sooo hard... the overwhelming emotions, they are so hard to deal with.

I'm wanting to cut again, and well, noone is around... I don't even know if I want to fight it. It always feels so good. I don't want to get into this bad habit again. But how do I cope with this, with life, with being alone, with being poor, with wasting my life away here, and not being able to do anything about it at the moment. I don't know.