I sit here, contemplating... what to do. I have beer, cookies, and lots of pills. Should I? or shouldn't I? The only thing that scares me is the fact that I don't do it right. I figure, that 12 Imitrex, could cause a heart attack, thats all I have, well, plus the one I had earlier... plus some other stuff, but we will see. I'm all alone. P. left, we did break up last week, but... I do love him so much. I thought I made some new friends, one just turned out to be a creap, and the other, I'm not sure, if he's just afraid, or what. Either way, the one, I don't really need in my life, but, T. He's really sweet, helped me alot in the last few weeks, and now my heart, hurts so much, for so many reasons. I know I would just hurt him, partly because I love P., but... partly cuz he said, that.. well he asked me, what if he becomes attached, and that he couldn't find fault in being needy, as he is needy too. It didn't turn me off, but I don't think he would ever have enough time for me. Part of me is trapped, trapped in this thing with P. , which isn't completely bad, but I need so much more. He's a great guy, and I know, if I decide to do this... thing, to kill myself, then.. he will blame himself, his parents, and everyone.
I've been asking for help. I really want to go in the hospital, I don't know how to do it. I guess I've asked the wrong people for help. I don't know what to do. I guess, well I don't even know what to do.. except sit here..and wonder, who cares.... if anyone. They would only care, when I'm gone, and thats too late.
Part of me is hesistating now, because.. I love my daughter so much, what will this do to her. I really wished I could of bought a gun, so much easier..... less of a failure rate. I dunno... I just need help. Someone, please help me!!
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As told, by her, and her borderline personality...
9 comments:
There are some people that do care, J.Ann. However, unfortunately just caring by reading your blog may not be enough and I'm sorry for that. I hope you get through all this period of confusion in your life without takin the 12 pills with beer and cookies (the cookies is the important part).
Take care...
Jae,
Please seriously consider going to get a prescription for antidepressants. You shouldn't feel like you have to suffer through life. There is too much to live for to suffer with depression on a daily basis. You miss out on so much when you are depressed. Please look into, hun. ::::Hugs::::
http://teenadvice.about.com/o.htm?p=1
Here are some resources that you can look into if you haven't already. I hate to see you suffer.
Your daughter needs you. Think about how her life would be not having you around. That alone should make your life worth living...
It can and will get better... even if it doesn't seem like it now! your daughter needs you and you should be there to watch her grow up! People do care and it hurt my heart to read how you are feeling. Please try to contact a crisis line in your area. They are professionals that can help you to sort out your feelings and understand what you are going through and will be able to help.
Please don't do this. I don't want you to do this, I have a family member who did this and she had a daughter. The daughter became very agressive, bitter, and alone. nobody should feel alone in this world. Think about your daughter, not yourself. killing yourself would be selfish. You should not feel like you are alone, you have your daughter who will love you for who you are no matter what.throw all of your feelings aside. Think about the prescious life you have and the daughter who loves you. If you believe in god, you will believe that he wouldn't give you anything that you can't handle. God gave you life if god didn't think that you could not handle it, you would have never been born. There is a purpose for your life. forget about killing yourself, live today like it's a new start on your life. A new chapter. Keep the cookies though because I know they are good especially oatmeal raisin. get Ice cream too. Micky D's .99 cents!
I hope you didn't do it.
12 Imitrex.
It could work. Or, you could end up like me. 100 times what I thought would do it. It didn't work. A short coma and you come out in worse condition physically than went into it. It's not your time.
This too shall pass away. It always does. The pills don't work. Love does come again, life when over is over. Love to you.
Sweetie I went through this same thing in Jan. when my fiance and I broke up and you know what? YOU said the thing you need already! HELP! Call someone! A DR you know! Someone you CAN trust! A helpline. I did. I thought of my beautiful niece. You need to think about your daughter. She WON'T make it without you! Therapy can do more than you realize. And of course some good antidepressants. Just know you had a life BEFORE him. And you'll have one AFTER him. Remember that!
Not sure I should even comment on this, for as upset as I am. I wish so much that I could die. That it was just over. Right now is one of those times, things just keep going wrong, I keep getting sicker and sicker, and I can't do anything about it. Go to the ER, and get sent home with a script I can't afford to fill. So I will sit home, in my bed, struggling to breath, as my asthma gets the best of me. I'll cough, and gasp, and.. then end up throwing up, from coughing so hard. Sure, it doesn't sound pleasant, but its not the worse thing in the world. Sure I could have cancer or AIDS, least then... I'd know I'd eventually die, and that is what I've wanted so much in my life. To just die, to be out of this world. Whose to say, it could be better? Noone, but.. anything has got to be. ANYTHING.
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