Almost didn't care....

My boyfriend just told me, again, for the second time in two weeks, if I did... (something) again... he'd break up with me...

The first time was.. if I ever screamed/went off on him.. he'd break up with me... ok, I understand... but that is impossible for me... We made up a few days later, he said he was sorry he scared me.... and he said it because he was mad... ok, again.... I understand...

But tonite.. well I admitted to him, I'd been, as he calls "spying" on him. And yes, since he considers it spying, I shouldn't do it... but its just how I am... Well he told me, this is in my ball park. He said he was so mad already , he almost did break up with me. In my head I'm thinking, just do it and get it over with. I didn't have a tear in my eye. So he's saying, its in my ballpark, if we have this discussion again about me snooping in his email, or his phone account.. again.. that it won't be a discussion, it will be over. I was about to be like ok. And say, oh btw I'm reading your email now, just break up with me. I'd rather have it over with. Then I can go back to reality.

He asks me if I just don't trust him or I can't trust him. He says if I can't trust him, it might as well be over. I'm still in my head thinking... just do it now. I don't need this... why are we even together.

I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of not trusting him. I'm tired of being sad because we are fighting. I'm tired of wondering when I'll do something, and he'll walk out. I'm tired of wondering if we would be happy. I'm tired of wondering if we would be good together. I'm tired of thinking I should just walk out now, pain or no pain, set back or no set back. I'm tired of wondering if we are staying together because we are both lonely. I'm tired of wondering even why we are together....

At this point does it really matter. I think we are both wasting our time. Now is this me speaking or my depression?