I asked him this. His reply: "YES" I tell him to quit teasing, he says he's not, he said he'd marry me, but he wants to do it the right way, in front of friends and family. I tell him he's crazy and drunk. He replies that he's not drunk. He's only had three beers and a bloody mary.
I've been in a high mood for a few days. Since Friday nite to be exact. Since I hung with my friend, since I got high. I've been physically not so great, but not wanting to kill myself or anyone else, you know.
All me and him have done for a few weeks now is fight. We faught today, I was just trying to mess with him about not coming up here, and it turned to an arguement, and him getting upset and wanting to push me away. He and I both know, he's not coming up here to visit. If he ever showed up here, i'd drop dead. Right now he doesn't even know where I live...b ut thats beside the point.
Thru our argueing, he told me Friday, he wanted me and Dare to come down there.. and he wanted to take care of us, and he really wishes he could, but he can't. I understand that. I never knew he felt that way before though. It hit me hard. All this time, I thought I was fucked up for wanting that...and not being able to say it.
My depression is overrunning me.. taking me over, and making me forget about the good stuff. All it made me think of was all the arguements we had. All the stupid stuff.
Right now I just want to cry..... I'm so scared of living.. i'm so scared of life. It hurts so bad.
I just have to keep reminding myself. Anything thats worth anything, is never easy to get.....
Its always going to be hard, but it will be worth it.
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