I can't trust anyone. I feel like noone cares.... I'm at a loss.
I went to this place called SAM today, that was a waste of time, because I do have insurance. SAM got on line with my insurance, and my insurance said I was discharged because I no longer needed partial hospitalization services, and the hospital told me... Wednesday it was because of my insurance.
I get told by this girl in group... that rumors are around I just do it for attention.... and she apparently talks to this guy I talk to in group, and has talked to him about me. ANother girl, really thinks its attention, but something was said, and one of the the therapists said... "oh, she's a special case"....
WTF..... Now I'm paranoid.. and suicidal...
I broke up with my boyfriend... only I don't think anything has changed. Only he's sad. I still love him the same, I'm just not jealous.
I wish someone would just slap me.. or I keep thinking of cutting myself... because I can handle that pain.... I just can't handle this pain.
Someone please help me. Am I that bad, that noone wants to help me. Am I that horrible...what did I do that was so wrong. Why is this other girl talking about me, and why am I feeling bad about what she's saying.... Why am I distrustful to this guy I've been talking to..... Is he talking to her about me... what is he saying?
He was just talking to me.. about how he's paranoid his old friends talk about him.. and now.. here I am.. feeling the same way...
I hate myself. I hate my life. I don't want to live right now.
If I'm meant to live, please help me get thru this.
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As told, by her, and her borderline personality...
1 comment:
*hugz* I'm sorry you are having a tough time, hon! Please try not to worry about anything that dumb girl said or says about you........think of it this way, I have always thought of you as one of the most self-confident and self-assured people I know! Matter of fact, I tried to emulate your self confidence because, as you know, I am lacking in that department, to put it mildly!
And, hey, you also survived, no, make that, did well, in Smethport school district. And, all of my really good Smethport slams aside, it's tough to make it in that school socially. I thought maybe that idea was just mine but a few of my aunts felt the same way and that was back in the 70's and 80's that they went there! And I'm sorry about your breakup with your bf..........love is tough & it sucks.......sometimes, especially in my case, it can lead to depression!
But, on the other hand, I don't know if I can be super positive, either. I have been feeling like you do lately.........really depressed.......Though I would never commit suicide, I wish I were dead by natural means or, better yet, never born at all.
My uncle died this past Friday, the 15th. He was my dad's brother who lived in Virginia, his daughter's name was Cindy, I think I might have mentioned her when we first met, she was kind of weird. Anyways, she was an only child and really close to her dad, he was really nice to her. She found him dead in his bed, he had been dead for quite a few hours from what I understand. I feel so sorry for her and her mom and my dad & his brothers and my grandma. The autopsy results came back 2 days ago. My uncle died from a massive heart attack. He was 48 years old. I have been depressed about that, too. I don't know, it just seems like all of the bad things in life outweigh and outnumber the good things, you know what I mean??
Oh, jeez, here I am, trying to cheer you up and I make comments like that! Truly, I am sorry, I feel for you, now I really do! Are you still off work? Call me if you have time and I can call you back or whatever. Maybe it will help us both to have someone with sympathy & empathy to talk to, who we know won't make fun of us or talk bad about us! Love you!!
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