BAD BLOGGER

I'm such a bad blogger... least I've been keeping busy.. Great THING!! I did blog last week, but then, got a phone call and had to go offline.. and lost what I wrote. STupid me.. tried hitting post and publish when offline.. and grrr.. it dissappeared..
so.. I guess... I have alot of updating to do, so.. years down the road when I read this, I can remember..what the hell i was going thru at this point in my life.

So... M. and I dated.. for a little while later, things just started getting, where I wasn't happy, partly cuz I knew there was no real future involved for us ( I know, too much too soon) but when I get with someone, I want to know that potential is there, marriage, kids.. and with M. I knew it would never be. He's a great guy, but we parted on good terms, and are still friends and all that good stuff. He's still my sweetie. :) He's been there for me still even after we broke up. It hurt more than I thought it would, but I'm pretty much ok with it. Partly because while M. and I were seeing each other, his friend started paying attention to me.. and well things sort of happened that shouldn't have. M. considers that we were in an open relationship.. so it didn't bother him.. on my end, but I still think of my reasoning.. behind it.. and can't really justify it. But.. so J, the friend.. and I started spending time together... though he had a gf that lived out of town (in Ohio).. and.. then M. and I broke up, and agreed to be friends.. and J's gf broke up with him.. and now J and I are dating. That has only been a few days, though. Since Saturday.

Though since Saturday, I feel he's not been too good of a bf, but.. time will always tell. Shit happens right. I've been really busy, so I haven't dwelled on it, like I did with M. I made M. .. or tried to make him the center of my life, and that is the last thing he wanted in the world. Communication.. well.. is one of my troubles..and I have a hard time.. really opening up to J. I am just annoyed.. right now..cuz i wanted to talk to him.. on Sat morning.. and asked him to not go to bed.. and he just went to bed.. without.. talking to me first.. Then.. last nite.. I was in Bradford late. . so I thought I'd stop and see him.. and couldnt get ahold of him.. and he never called me like he said he would.. blah men. Oh well. I've been busy, with the gym.. and doctors.

DOCTORS... Dare and I have been sick. She had pneonemia, she's fully recovered, and just went to the Dr last nite, and has a slight head cold. You wouldn't know the girl was in the hospital, she even gained 2lbs !! She's such a riot. Me, on the other hand, I've been to the ER twice, and the DR.. once..and going again here in a few minutes.. they say... "bronchiiis, no.. ur asthma. " I'm on steriods, that kill my stomache.. and inhalers.. and.. my allergie meds.. and a decongestant.. and etc.. I HATE IT.

SPeaking of meds. I ran out of LExapro a few weeks.. or a month ago or something, havent noticed anything from that. Well, ran out of the Topamax yesterday, so we will see if it did anything for my mood. I'd rather not be on it. I will try to go to partial on Thursday, depends on what Sally is doing. (my aunt is coming up TODAY.. YEAH!!!.. i miss her) and let them know about the meds and stuff. I haven't been to therapy.

Overall, I think I'm doing ok. I had my middle of the month episode. I think you should just put in me in a straight jacket from around the 13th of the month to the 19th or so. I've noticed a pattern in my SI (self injure, and suicidal) tendicies. I've not been sleeping much. I went to bed after midnite last nite.. and was up at 7:30 this morning. I feel good to go. This could be because of many things. My going to the gym and losing weight, being sick, I blame mania... (who knows--never been diagnosed bipolar..but .... ) or.. i've even though.. of .. what is that SADD.. the seasonal disorder..where because of the lighting and the sun. I notice now, when i wake up in the AM, because the sun is up, I smile, because it feels good, to see the sun, rather than the dark when getting up. The weather, though a little dreary, is getting soooo much better. Its very nice to see.

Well hoping to find more time for my blog. It is one of the best therapies.. for both myself and for my friends to help me thru the tough times. If I keep things bottled up inside.. that is when I explode. I don't want to explode anymore. I just want to be happy, and to live my life, the way it needs to be lived. I want to do something with it. Wish me luck.