falalallal

I'm a fucked up mess. I'm going crazy. I've been on a high for a few weeks now, and well.. now its dropping. Maybe cuz of lack of going to the gym, or that my pretending is just getting to me. Do I pretend, or did those things.. not bother me. Do i pretend they don't bother me? Who knows. I don't anymore. I have no idea who I am. Or why I am.. or what..

I've been on such a good high.. feeling soo good... and today.. I'm crying.. and want to curl in a ball.. and die. All I can think about is that pregnancy test on Thursday. And what if.. and if I am.. what am I doing to my baby now, not letting the Doctor know I mite be pregnant and I'm on all these meds. I'm such a fuck up. Maybe I'm not, but I feel like it right now. I just want to know.. that I'm not pregnant.. and then be able to move on , and make some choices from there. I don't know if being with J. is even good for me. I feel like no matter what , no relationship will ever satisfy me... because they never care what I want or need. I mean.. all I want is some love and compassion. I want to be listened to. I feel like I give much in return. I am very loving. I would give you the world if I could. I would give you my anything... and all I want to know is that you love me.. and are honest and faithful to me. That is too much to ask.... for some people. Just I don't understand, why these two particular men could give me the attention I wanted before we dated, but then when I start dating them, its like I'm no longer of importance. Is this my ..thing.. or theirs.. I mean.. are they really paying less attention? or do I expect more attention? I'm not sure. I just don't get it. I just want them to follow thru. Call me.. when you say you will call, email when you say you will email. Call me and see how I'm doing... DON'T YOU CARE? I've been so sick lately.. and I feel like noone even.. notices... I hate it.. i wish I'd just stop breathing sometimes. Its scary cuz I feel like with this asthma, that I will just stop breathing.. and noone will notice.. and I can see myself in the coffin.. and.. its so unreal.


I just don't know what to tell myself to feel better. Maybe just to be single again, and not have any expectations.. cuz the expectations I have of myself are too much already, I shouldn't expect anyone else to live up to them. I just wish I didn't want so much.. but then I don't feel like I'm asking for so much. I mean... I'm used to seeing my bf almost everyday.. or talking to him.. and I hardly see mine. Its stupid. I want more time. I want more everything. I will never be happy. I shouldn't say that. CUZ.... I Will be HAPPY one day. I will be..

I cried as I wrote that. Right now.. it feels so off, but I remember feeling yesterday, as if I was happier than I had been in a while, despite all that was going on. I hate being borderline. I forget the feelings I felt. I forgot.. everything. I forget my own happiness even if it was five minutes ago. It makes me sick that I can be so fucked up, but then.. I feel sooo NORMAL ( (i hate that word) sometimes.... I mean.. I could pass for a normal person. .. but.. what is normal?

I dunno.. I just want to curl up.. in a ball.. and have someone that loves me.. put their arms around me and tell me it will be alright.. and gentle stroke my hair.. until i fall asleep.. and I feel their lips.. gently touch my forehead.. as they tuck me in bed..

I just want to feel loved, and wanted, and needed.

I need to be needed. It is what makes me happy.