Anxious

About T. coming over. I stayed up too late last nite, and worked my ass off then, and this morning, cleaning up my room. It was a pig sty. Still a unorganized mess, but at least there is floor space, a empty garbage can, and a clean litter box. (for my psycho cat- Phoenix)

She is awesome by the way, but really needy and crazy. She jumps up on me all the time, tries to help me type on the computer, and thinks she should follow me anywhere, and sleep on my head sometimes.

I'm still upset about CG, but starting to deal with reality. I knew he was bad for me in the beginning, and yet I continued to waste my money, going down there to see me. Not that he never did anything for me... but... there was inequality. I love him, I really do... but I knew from the beginning or near the beginning, we wouldn't be together... ( his choice).

I feel like I never have a choice in the relationship. Its always what they want.. and my needs are disregarded. That is one reason CG intriged me so. In bed, it was all about what I wanted... at least 99% of the time... It was .. "what do you want.. "- "what do you need? " & he tried all the kinky stuff I wanted him to do, things most guys would think I was fucking weird about. He loved my pussy, what can I say. Maybe that is all he really loved.

I guess the biggest reason I'm upset is because I can't determine whether he is just lying to me, because he thinks its best for me... to get over him, and he needed to step out of my life.. or if he really did start seeing someone seriously. If he did.. it makes me hate him... because he told me part of why we couldn't be together is because he needed to get his shit straight.. and he couldn't give the time a serious relationship deserved. But then I keep wondering.. did he end up back with one of his ex's.... because he hid that from me... He hid the fact that she came over.. from me.. even though supposedly nothing went on.. They went to a meeting.. I'm assuming.. AA or NA.. and then... she went to get her nails done.. then supposedly went home.. Somewhere in there. he took pictures of her..

That pisses me off too.. when my sister and I were with him, he took tons of pictures.. and I want them. And I probably will never get them.. because I don't think he will be talking to me anytime soon. I hate men.. sometimes...

But I still will always love him. He has a piece of my heart, despite the fact that he shredded it up, and threw it away... its still not back to me... hopefully one day I can give another piece of my heart.

My aunt was bitching at me.. saying .. " oh. trying to impress T. by cleaning your room.. " I was like "no"... she's like why do you do this.. he was mean to you, and tormented you.. ( or something similar i dont remember what words she used).. and I was like.. "no he didn't" and she said... " why did you sit in your room crying all the time?" ----- DUH.. because I was hurt. He only purposely hurt me once, and I would like to believe that was because he was hurting... because it is something I would do, and have done.. when someone hurt me....

Either way.. I'm working on me again, and hopefully I can stop any stupid men from getting in my way....

Blah...