Slut

Things are so messed up. I got my heart broke, AGAIN. Then I become slutty, again. I wish I knew what was wrong with me.

I have a theory... I look at the BPD diagnoses, and knowing I was never like that when I was diagnosed, although I do have sex too early in the relationship, every man at that point I had been with, I was in love with, and dated.

Shortly after that I became slutty. Then settled down, got my heart broke, and the cycle started over again. I think this is the third cycle. I'm letting myself become what someone said I am. I let myself become my diagnosis. Its sad, but I believe it to be true.

I slept with MB, then started dating DW, and slept with him as well. I then, was told by DW, that if I was horny.. i should go sleep with my bf across town, so he could satisfy me, since he couldnt' be there. It hurt, I cried, and MB called me, and I went over to be with him. No intentions to have sex, although I knew he'd want me, and one thing led to another. DW forgave me, and we worked things out. Sunday nite, he made me promise I would not go over to MB's house alone. I promised. I broke my promise, and MB called me.. and I told him, I wasn't going to sleep with him, and he said he wouldn't try to get me to do that, he didn't want to damage my relationship. He asked me to bring him some food though, so I did. I told DW about it, and now he broke up with me. So I can decide what I want to do. After I see MB again to get my money back, and he said, " we will see what happens and go from there." I don't think honestly he will take me back. And its something that I don't know that I deserve... his forgiveness. But, in the back of my head, I keep thinking, he's not the one I want to build my future with.

I want more.

He's a great guy though, sweet and kind. He holds me, has cooked for me, and adores my daughter. I love him. I don't want to be alone.

And that is my problem. I want to be with whoever wants to be with me, as long as they meet some of my standards. I look past alot of their flaws, and accept them as they are, faults and all. That apparently makes me a bad person. I make bad decisions, and it sucks.. because they are mostly about sex. I love sex.

And as T. reminded me not too long ago, I confuse sex with love, and it is true. I truely do.

I keep telling myself to be more cautious. Someone close to me, a good friend, someone I love, whose life I care about as much as my own. She was recently diagnosed with HIV, although she still has to go to the CDC, and get all that verified, I am hoping and praying for her sake, that its some sort of mistake. If she really does have it. I don't believe there is a god. If there is, and I'm mistaken, he's fucking sick as hell. I feel like there is no hope in the world. Good things always seem to happen for bad people, and good people just get fucked over.

All I wish, is for happiness for everyone.