DW....

I spent time with him last weekend, well on the holiday last Monday. Then Saturday I headed up to see him, and Darian and I spent the nite up there.. in Wilkes Barre or Kingston... whatever it is called.

I started falling for him before I even went up there this weekend. He's been so sweet and supportive... and caring about all I've been going thru. I haven't let him in on alot of it... but.. I did tell him about the stupid men in my life, and he said he wanted to be with me.... but he wasn't going to interfere. He knew I was in love with CG, and didn't want to intrude... I guess.

Saturday night... and in a way I knew this would happen, we made love. I say we made love because I have loving feelings for him. I know he does for me. Sometime last week, he said.. "Luv You" online, but I wasn't sure how to take it. Most of the weekend, we didn't talk about anything important.. just cuddled, and watched movies.. and played with Darian. So when I got home, I had some things I really wanted to talk about, although... I wasn't sure... how to say them. So we talked online, I got it all out... and I asked him if he wanted to be with me.. and he was like.. of course... but.. I was confused because he didn't say anything over the weekend. I kept asking him if he wanted to see me next weekend, and he's like... "you have an open invitation..." I was like... "thats not what I want to hear..., my question had a yes or no answer.." so like a smart ass.. he says.... "yes or no", I giggle and replied " I want the answer to my question to be yes.. " so he answers... "yes" I made me laugh.

I told him how I felt last nite, and he was like.. what about that other guy. I told him again, as I had before... that I can't be with that guy, because its not good for me. It's not healthy, and all he's done is hurt me. I don't deserve that. So I pretty much asked him, was he going to ask me to be his girfriend.. ( Yes I feel like I'm in 7th grade again... lol) And he was like..." I want to be with you, but... I have a problem.... all my relationships, since my daughter's mother... have never lasted more than 3 months." This seemed to be a big concern with him... (although about a month ago, he said.. we'd be married in a year... ) I told him I wasn't concerned about that.. and that if we didn't give it a try, we wouldn't know. He agreed, and as of yesterday, we are officially dating. Going up there next weekend as well.

The weekend after, T. said he wanted to come down.. tenitively.. anyway... so I'll keep my schedule open... I just am not sure how DW feels about this.. and before... I was a bit worried... about how I would feel when I saw T. again. I know I love him, but our time has passed, and nothing has really changed in our lives, as far as priorities... and he's not made any attempt to let me know he wants me... So I leave it like that. I don't know that I'd ever want to get back with him, under any of the current circumstances.... although I do, and always will love him... and would love to just see him outside my door.. on my stairs... and have him wrap his arms around me.. and wrap my arms around him. That was one of my favourite things. I miss him, as my friend, the guy that cheered me up, and made me laugh, when I was soooo soooo suicidal and depressed. He helped me thru alot. I just hope he realizes it. The only thing that has changed in my life, ( and i'm not sure if anythings changed in T's life- he's not too talkative about it), is that I'm healthier, mentally.. and a bit physically.... and I'm stronger than ever. I'm growing, and learning new things about myself, and my life and what I want...and need.

I enjoy DW, because when I'm there with him, or talking to him on the phone, although he is very mellow, and not as talkative as me... I'm calm, relaxed, and I forget about my problems.... I can't think of one person.. that really has that effect on me, without trying to really relax me. I'm always stressed out, and upset about something. But for this weekend... I played with Darian... had him hold me in his arms.. and we watched movies... and enjoyed Darian and all her funniness. We kissed, we cuddled, and Sunday I fell asleep in his arms, watching my favourite movie. He made us breakfast Sunday morning... sausages, and pancakes.... It rather impressed me.. I wasn't expecting it. Darian said the pancakes tasted funny, I thought they were good. I told him I appreciated it.. and he was like..."it was nothing..... you would of done the same.." which is true, but that is me. I'm not used to someone who would recipricate... for me.