Fathers Day

I'm feeling kind of shitty, because of being alone. I hate the days when I'd rather be anywhere else. I'd rather be with my friends, or with my boyfriend and his friends. I'd rather be at work, at least in the building than just sitting here. Yeah I get to use the internet, and watch tv.... but its not the same.

I'm feeling really stupid right now. Chris and I were talking about relationships and about "her" and I told him it was ignorant that she kept doing the same thing over and over again, and didn't learn anything from it. This is in regards to guys using her for sex. She went all the way to NC, for some creep, and still hasn't learned a lesson, nor with the 5 kids she has, and that she take care of all on her own. It got me to thinking...

Chris and I wouldn't be together if I didn't give him a chance, he told me and tells me the things I want to hear. Is it just another trick. Is this going to end up the same. I sit here, almost in tears thinking about it.

Partly because I said something to him, via text that I shouldn't have said. I said... "think, a decade from now, you'll celebrate Father's Day.."

I said this thinking that, hopefully in a decade we'd be married, settled down, and have a kid.. and that would be our reason, for celebrating..... thinking that a decade wasn't moving too fast.

The thing is, though, just thinking these thoughts, is moving too fast, and I wonder what I've got myself into again. I'm having some doubts now. I don't know what to do. I freak out cuz he responds to me.... " Why do you say that?"

I don't know why he would say that. He's talked about wanting to be together for a long time, hoping we are together forever. But I think, I'm just getting things wrong again. As different as it feels than any other relationship I've been in. I feel like I'm right back where I started. How does this make things better, it doesn't. How do I know its different? Its not. Its the same as before... I take things out of context, knowing that men say things to make women feel good, and Chris does that for me... only now I don't feel its real.

I'm feeling indifferent. I wanted him, and I don't regret that, but I should of done things differently. Again. I fucked up.

I know part of me just feels this way because I'm feeling a bit depressed, and I hope thats the only reason I feel this way.