Drama & Thoughts on My Future

I had a little drama at my boyfriends. I was cranky all weekend, had PMS, and got irritated by incompetent McDonald's workers. I got back to his place and my Mt Dew was moving and it really upset me because there were two open bottles in the door and one of them was not mine. Me and my germ thing. I hate it. I don't know how to get over it though.

Well that and i'm having doubts about me and Chris's compatibility. I haven't shared this with him, because I feel like he's really needing me to be strong. I feel like he has doubts, I will stay with him. My problem is that of one where I need to know that he has motivation to do something with his life. I feel like he's stuck in a rut... and doesn't know what to do. He always tells me he is lazy, and i'd like to believe that isn't true. If he has no motivation... its not something I can deal with... Although I can take care of myself, to a degree, I want a man that wants to take care of me. Maybe that is selfish, but its something I need. I'm tired of living paycheck to paycheck. I'm tired of struggling, and i know it will take time, but I believe if we work together we can do it.

Again, I just worry. I asked him what he wanted in his life, and he didn't really answer me.

Plus he scared me a bit. I had an idea of when I met him, he could be needy. Lately he has been alot, and its not a bad thing, because I'm needy too. Its just, as much as I want a family, and i love him, and want that to happen, it still is scary. To find a man that truely wants to marry me. I know we've barely been together two months, and we can drive each other crazy. At the end of the night, we still love each other, can hold each other and talk about it.

IT really is great. He told me this weekend, about how again he felt about marriage we were talking, and I was like, "yeah I know after you are 30", and also said " I told you its ok, because as long as i know you love me, and want to build a life with me, I can wait, although I won't exactly be happy with it" He replied, that I may not have to wait. When the time comes, it can happen, and we don't have to wait... he said, its just he's always been scared, and that is why he always said that. He said he knew I was the one he wanted to spend his life with. It scares me, because I know he has to have some doubts, It scares me because he always thinks I'm going to leave him. I wish I could erase those doubts, I would. I'd marry him tommorrow if he wanted. I'm still not sure he'd be 100% positive I'd stay with him after that. I would. I don't ever want to divorce...

I know there is no reason to rush things, but i want nothing more than to spend my nites with him, and wake with him in the morning, despite the fact that his morning ritual drives me crazy. He turns on the tv, and watches sports/news. Noise in the morning makes me wanna scream and kill someone. So hopefully, we can come to some sort of compromise... like shit I don't fucking know. But we will figure it out. I don't think its something I can get used to though. Maybe wireless head phones.. lol

I miss him already. I was sad to drop him at work today. I wanted nothing more to lay in bed with him all day, and hold him in my arms. Its so hard for me to believe I make him so happy. But he says I do. I must believe that.