Stressed out, been teary eyed, mostly since Friday. Sally wants to make excuses that my being pissed Sunday has to do with me going to CG's Saturday nite. But I came home and got lots of sleep. CG, knows whats going on, I've been late on my meds Saturday and Sunday... Today I will make sure I take them on time. I don't think that is it though. I think it is alot of other things, CG, included that weigh on my mind daily. Francis is pissing me off, always throwing my things away.. and fucking with them. I wish Sally would just get rid of him. Its fucked up. She tells me how bad CG is for me, and she can't get rid of Francis, or quit enabling his behaviours.. its fucked up. Least CG, to some extent, makes me happy, with the exception of that one day, he treats me like a queen, makes love to me each time like its the first, and always does his best to please me. He's loving when he knows I'm hurt, he holds me.. when I need to be held. He acts stupid and tries to get me to laugh, when he knows it would be a good distraction. He tries to get me to focus on my priorities....
Lately, he knows I don't want to let go, but he tries to come up with reasons, I should stay away from him... He's like... I'm selfish, I'm a jerk, I smoke..... I wouldn't be good for you. Its just I keep telling myself, I'd dump him anyway down the road, so.. that because I don't even get a chance, I won't feel so bad. It really sucks. I love him so much. I love being in his arms, i love holding him... I love laying my head on his chest. I love running my fingers across his skin.... i love the way he touches me, I love the way he kisses me.... I love how attractive he is.. i love when he makes me smile, I love when he is silly.. I love how she says " I know," sometimes when I tell him I love him, because he likes to give me a hard time. I love how he kisses me, I love just sleeping next to him.
I just wish I had a chance to show him.... how things could be.
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