Choices

Something everyone has every day.
I made some bad ones.

I flipped out on CG, I screamed and yelled, and in most neighborhoods, it would of caused a scene and the whole neighborhood would be watching, I grabbed his nuts, and told him he was an asshole. I cried, and felt so hopeless, watching what little faith I had in him disappear into a giant hole. I even whipped my keys at him, he kept telling me he was done with this, he even walked away from me, but did everything but walk into the house.

My first mistake, knowing I was upset, and getting a screwdriver anyway. I know better than that, but I've been thinking suicidal and haven't been caring. I've been looking for ways to end my life. This isn't what I want... but it is what I feel. I'm afraid. I never to stay strong. For me, for my daughter, & for the people that love me.

His choice, is that he choses to be alone. That in a way, is why he choses her, he wants to help her, but yet again, he knows she will leave him. (well, imho, when she is done using him...) She's young, and stupid and has an addiction that I'm sure she's not ready to give up. Its totally fucked up.

I realized alot when he made that simple statement to me. Julie, well, I think its like this, I think that I will be alone, because maybe I choose to be alone. The more I thought about it, the more it felt true. The more it made things simpler. Either way, I know I can find better, I just don't know why I don't realize this.

One thing that pisses me off, is that he's so secretive, and he's like.. we aren't dating, but it wouldn't matter even if we were.... he was that way when we were together. Thing is, he's always asking about my dates, and this and that... and I tell him because I am an open person, and he basically gives me love advice..( I asked him about this, and he says, he wants me to find someone to make me happy, and because he wants to make sure I'm going out with the right type of guy) He tells me I need to be strong. I don't get it...does he treat me like this, and be so supportive and encouraging to the women in his life.. that "supposedly" need him. I don't hear him telling them, they shouldn't involve themselves with such losers.. or just be strong, pull yourself together.. etc.. etc.. It is what pisses me off more.

This morning, I couldn't bare it any longer, I had to call him and tell him he's an asshole. I made him ( yes.. i wouldn't leave till he promised me) promise to talk to me tonite, because i was a big mess, and feeling suicidal... and wanted to self injury. He promised to call me... and didn't, so of course I'm upset. It seems I'm the exception to all his "rules". Anyway... I called and told him what I though of him..... ASSHOLE... fuck him and his promises..

I still love him and always will..

I made it thru last nite alone. I tried to call a few people and noone was around. I cut. I'm disappointed in myself, but it makes the suicidal feeling go away.... which helps, and I feel better today, despite.

I am fucking tired though, and currently at work.. have to work in ten minutes.... so for now.. I'm off..