Hurting...

I wish my heart could forget about him. I hurt so bad. We had another arguement about his relationship with her. I hung up on him, twice. The first time I guess he didn't realize... but it doesn't matter at this point.

The last thing I said to him is that they deserve each other. I feel this may be true. I don't know that he knows what to do when he's met someone who cares about his feelings. Someone who wants him to be happy. He says he doesn't deserve to be happy. I don't believe that to be true.

I was angry last nite, because I asked him if it was ok that he continue to cheat on his gf. (he's been seeing me... - and she's in jail) He said.. he's not going to anymore. That pissed me off royally, because he never really discussed that with me. But why would he? I'm just a good fuck, someone to distract him from his problems, someone to occupy his mind, while he waits the next ten months for his gf to get out of jail. (yah only ten months now)

Part of me hates him. A bigger part loves him. I know, I ask for hurt and punishment. But I'm really fucked off about that call I got last week from him, saying that he wants me.. etc. I can't get over it. I can't stop thinking about it. He has this obligation to her, because he promised her that he'd never leave her. And he says their relationship was so damn great, because, he saw her sober.. From what he tells me,that wasn't ever day, because after that, she'd get sick and go back to him to get a fix. ( the guy that abused her and gave her drugs) He says.. (CG) "what was she supposed to do?" Well yeah, maybe I don't understand completely because I never allowed myself to be an addict, but they were still her choices. Each time.. she chose to do that, even though she had him as a support & that he would take care of her. He says she left because he went to jail. He was out within a day... and she didn't even stick around. CG says.. well what reason did she have to stick around, she thought I'd be in their for a while, because of my record. And my family would of never tolerated her sickness, and she would of got sick within the day. So she chose to go back to the guy that abused her.

Yeah sounds to me.. CG and her had a great fucking relationship.

Of course, that is my sarcasm coming thru. How can it be much of a relationship if they spent a day or two together, each time before she went back to him, (the guy who abused her, and raped her, and gave her drugs). How much did that hurt him, each time she did that? He says.. " I saw her sober" Fuck if she was sober, that shit was still in her veins... He says.. oh well now she's clean, (duh, she still had to go thru the same pain, though not of her choice)... I don't care how hard the choice was before, she still could of made it. I feel like he's just making excuses for her. I'm not saying that any of the choices would of been easy. THe life changing choices are always hard. The choices that make life better are always hard. The choices that make a difference are the most difficult ones..

All I want is for him to be happy. I hope, I truely do.. that she makes him happy. THat she stays clean and sober, and they have a chance to build something special. I just don't feel very hopeful about that. I know he loves her, but I don't understand his obligation to feel like he has to date her. I don't understand how he could basically cheat on me, and tell her they were together, when he sits there and tells me he loves me. This from someone who supposedly never cheated before.

He told me once that his one gf that he was engaged to.. if she came back to him, he'd get back with her in a second. That hurt me, because I wondered, and still do, if she came back to him right now, what would he choose?

I wish he knew he deserved happiness.

I know this is for the best. I know I need something better in my life. Someone who can give me the loyalty I deserve. Someone who knows how special I am, and how much I can bring into their life. I want to be with someone who treats me like a princess, and wants to be my prince. I want someone to love me.