Honesty

Last nite I was extremely pissed at CG. What did he do... really? My opinion on it.. is that he ommited something very important that he should of told me. He's been telling me that today, he is going to visit a "friend" in jail.. What he conviently decided not to tell me was that he was previously in a relationship with this women.. A women, who although young, has it seems.. to really fuck up her life. A drug addict, and women who continues to allow herself to be abused, mostly it seems because of her drug addiction. And to top that off, it was more recently than he led me to believe. Less than two months ago...or so. He says it wasn't really that serious..but... he's going to see her because he cares, and she had noone.. Her dad is an addict as well...

I'm not sure my feelings on this. Last nite, I was glad he wanted to break up with me. I was hurt, angry and frustrated. Today we talked, although I called him first as I always seem to do. I feel a bit better, as he emailed me as well to tell me this story, one I had no idea about. What pissed me off more was he told me that they didn't really break up, just that he didn't see her any longer. I was more pissed, because of the fact that he decided to break up with me, just before he's going to see her. It makes it too convient.. if you know what I mean.

On top of that, I chatted for a few minutes with T., which I haven't talked to.. in months it seems.... and all he did was confuse me. Part of it stressed me out, because I feel like he never really wanted to be with me. Yes.. I do desire to be wanted... and part of me.. just wants him to want me regardless of the fact that we won't be together again. Also its wierd, for a man to turn me down for sex... and he has.. even though I only partly joke about it. Thing is, if he came up, or he invited me down.. I'd be more than happy to take advantage of him.

I know relationships aren't about sex, but its something I enjoy. Something that gives me a seratonin increase... and makes me feel good. I love the pleasure of a loving partner, that wants to please me.