Endings

Endings are like beginnings.. they don't really end. Things are over for now. I couldn't let go, so he did, because I said something to him about it. Yes I am angry.. and was angry, and I let him know. I went off on him.

HOW.. can anyone in their right mind, choose a drug addict and criminal over me? How could he want that for himself and his family? How could he not be loyal to me. How could he fuck with me like that. Because he's a recovering addict himself, because he's a criminal.. or has criminal charges. He knows what its like to be in her position, he knows what its like to not have anyone there.

The thing that fucks me off most is his phone call, one week ago today, at 3:30am... Saying to me.. that he loves me, and he does know what he wants, and that is me, because he loves how he feels with me, BUT, he can't have what he wants right now. HOW THE fuck could he say or do that to me? How.. and why? What good that do me.. except to give me hope, only to be crushed.

I can't do anything for him, he's been depressed lately, and I'm so helpless. I've been depressed lately.. and he's helpless. I asked him, if he knew what was best for me, and that was to walk out.. why didn't he? He said he would miss me, and he couldn't decide which was worse.. missing me, or the way I'm hurting now, because he can't give me what I want/need.

The thing is, despite the fact that I feel he mite of held me back, or mite of changed my goals in life, doesn't make it hurt any less, or make things easier. I was loyal and commited to a relationship with him.. and he couldn't even introduce me to his kids. He's going to wait for 13 more months for his heroine addict girlfriend, who.. isn't such a great influence.. so he can help her. I know when you help someone you shouldn't want/need anything in return. But in a relationship when the one person is giving their all, and the other person has nothing to give.. its not really a relationship. Thats how I feel about him and her. He's going to spend money on her... get her letters and calls, and pay for them as well.. only to be alone, and hurting for the next 13 months. I know how much he hates being alone, and dread his sadness. The only thing I want for him is happiness. And I know how happy he looks and seems to feel when we are together. I can only hope he'll find that in her.