Confusing thoughts

My life I find it more confuseing day by day. I've been enjoying it more though. I've been spending time with a new friend, M., who is very kind and gentle. The thing is... I still love, C., my ex fiance, I still hold him deep in my heart. He's been there thru so much for me. Although none of it physical, that is what I've been needed and craving for many months now. I've found what I've been needing in M. I find this hard, because although I want to satisfy my own needs, I don't want anyone else to be hurt. I've not felt suicidal for almost a week now, it is such a relief. I've not cut for almost two weeks. The cuts are almost all healed.

I do feel such turmoil inside. Do I wait forever, in hopes that C. and I may be together, and what about all this fighting we've been doing. ANd all my issues with him thinking I'm fat. I usually don't have self confidence issues around men. I know that men find me attractive, and I don't usually feel fat around them. I've not had men that tell me they love me.. tell me that I'm fat. I just don't get it. I guess part of it.. is that I'm very high maintenence. I enjoy alot of attention. I'm very emotional. I'm very needy. Is this because I'm borderline or just because I'm Julie.

Who is Julie? I'm starting to figure that out.

Julie??

Julie Ann Lathrop.. Born February 15th 1979, Port Allegany PA...
Is almost 25 years old
Likes-Basketball, Drawing, Sketching, Basketball, Playing Computer Games, Chatting, Porn.. heheh (YES i said Porn.. I do enjoy it.. I admit.. Of both men and women), Dirty Jokes, Clean Jokes, Poetry, Reading, Driving, Dreaming, Talking, Kissing,
Favorite Colors- Purple ( then.. Purple w/ Pink and Blue) and Black
Favorite Food- Pizza w/ lots of Cheese
Favorite Cartoon- Smurfs
Favorite Item- Harley Blanket

I've realized, I do have an identity... though, sometimes I realize I don't. When I'm with people. I tend to like to do the things they are doing. Is there anything wrong with that? Do I give up who I am to do that? I don't think I am. Borderline Personality Disorder says I do. I don't get it. I just find I am an easy going person, that enjoys many things.

Back to the men..thing.. am I being selfish.. or just stupid.. I don't know. I don't know what it is I really want. I thought I did. I do know, I need this thing, whatever it is, between me and Mike, I like it. Its enjoyable. I do know I love C. with all my heart. As for my feelings for M. I don't know him well enough yet. I enjoy his company, and I am very attracted to him. I plan on spending as much time with him as I am able, because I feel this is something I need. For once, I don't feel pressure by a man, to please him.. or anything like that. I get enjoyment out of his company. I feels wonderful.