Men

I had a nice long talk with C. today. Wasn't supposed to have that tommorrow. He wants me to come to Romania. I'm scared. I can't say that I'm not. I'm frightened, but not for any real reason, just for the anxieties in my head. I told him more details about me and M. He said no matter what he'd always be there. I'd like to believe that, but I'm scared. As much as I like M. I feel he is not the one for me. It feels so good to have his attention, and to feel his warmth, he pays so much attention to me, something I've not had in a long time. I don't want to be alone right now. Right before I started talking to M. I was planning my death again. I didn't really tell this to anyone. Why would I. I really wanted to die. I was going to get a gun. I was getting over my anxieties. I was going to buy the gun when I got my tax money back. I realized, not because of M. or because of C. but because of some other events that happened.... that I do want to live, but I have a lot of things to figure out. But without people like M. and my other friend R. to talk to me, and flirt with me, and soothe me.. I don't think I would of lasted long... I was going down hill, really fast. Really really fast.

Now, I'm losing weight.. I smile and laugh more. I'm trying to enjoy working out, and I'm trying to make plans for the future. I'm hoping things will change for the better, I just have to try and be more optimistic.

But then, I still have problems, what to do with M., what to do with C... or do I just sit back, and see what happens. Let fate take its toll. I dunno, have to talk to M. I wrote him a long email tonite, we will see what he says.. .

Other than that... been.. over 36 hours, since I've had caffeine or soda!! Hooray!! and I'm down another pound. I'm beginning to think, maybe some of my anxieties about going to Romania.. has to do with my weight... maybe.. (no. probably) I make such a big deal about it with C. cuz I'm not happy with it.. but.. who knows..