Lots of new things on my end.. too much to post. I went away for the weekend with my "friend" M. and had a blast, we are now dating. I completely broke things off with C. That was hard, but it had to be done. I have to start figuring out what all that I want and need, and start fulfilling those needs. My relationship with C. wasn't fulfilling that. He helped me thru alot in this past year, and I will always remember that.
The big thing that is on my mind though, is parenting, how some people chose and some don't. Well I didn't. I did choose to keep my daughter however, and the first few years, were hard, but I loved her so much, and now.. I just don't feel that I'm good for her anymore and I don't know what to do. I am really getting tired of people telling me that I'm a good mother, and what would she do without me. I'm not saying I don't want to be part of her life, I'm just saying, I'm not doing good, being her soul support. I'm always crabby with her, for the last year, I loose my patience so easily with her, and I just see our relationship getting worse and worse. I mean, well for example... Probably in the last year.. I can count on my hands the number of times that I have bathed her by myself, that is just one of those things that I either forget, or just don't take the time to do, or something.. I really don't know what it is. I gave her a bath last week, but before that.. I really haven't . I only gave her a bath then, because she had peed all over. My gram usually gives her a bath here, before that, I always asked Wil to make sure she got a bath. Sure... I always make sure she's dressed, and gets to school.. and stuff like that, but is it enough? I don't think so. I feel like I will never get where I need to be, I will never be able to provide for her like I need to if I can't get away from her. I hate saying this, but in reality, I really in a way.. want to get rid of her. Not in the sense some people think. My aunt would take care of her for me, I know this, and it would be ideal. But would it be fair. WOuld it be fair for anyone involved. Would it make things better? or worse? I dunno, I'm so confused.. and noone seems to listen to me when I say I can't handle parenting anymore.. They just don't get it. I feel like noone understands. Maybe because I don't understand. I don't understand, how... I can go from never wanting to be away from my baby, to hardly being able to stand being around her. And its not because she's a bad.. girl.. She is .. and always has been a good girl.. she's so perfect.. so loving.. so beautiful. I just don't want to mess her up, and I see it happening already. I hate myself for it. I just want to make her life better. And I can't do that the way I am now. I just can't.
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