Still not sure what to think

So far everyone I've talked to thinks its ok that I explore my sexuality. I'm glad that's cool with them, but I'd explore it anyway... Since I'm finally open to the idea... or rather I finally found someone else open to the idea. Though the one person, I'm really attracted to, I really can't open the idea up to. It's rather scary. I don't even know how she would react or say or think or.. anything. I wouldn't want anything in our friendship to change, so I think I'd rather not change anything.

But as for the men in my life.. First I want to thank Michel.. ( I LOVE HIM.. heheh) he fixed my blog comments... so comment away folks.. and tell me that I'm fucking crazy!! But.. really, about M. and C. I don't know if my decisions were good ones, but i'm trying to ride them out. I gave up my emotional support for something more physically with a little emotional support. Is that wrong. Whose to say. M. makes me feel good none the same, but he's not commited to me like C. was, and I know I shouldn't compare, but I don't like that. Commitment is important to me, I just don't know how commited he is to me. I know that I am always the more commited one in the relationship and I'm used to that, but I've never been in a relationship like this one. He told me it was ok if I had sex with his best friend, because I found him attractive. I was floored, and well still am. I can't figure him out. I don't think men were ment to be figured out though. Oh well.

I wish I could figure out my emotions, as much as I think I'm scared to settle down and get married, that is what I've always wanted, and well, even if I was with M. for like 25 years, I could never see that happening, before he said a word about his feelings on marriage.. I said to Lisa, he's not the marrying type.. and oh.. was I so right. Was I wrong to trade what I had with C. for what I have for M? But.. was what I had for C... even real? I was emotional connected to him on a high level though, the thing is, when I play my games.. ( I don't purposely try to play them, I do it sometimes without realizing it) he plays them back and we end up fighting. With M. he just lets me. .. and ends up being brutally honest, and well I usually am able to tell him.. what I wanted to tell him in the first place. With C. and I .. its just a pushing struggle, we both have emotional problems.. and don't ever know what to do.

Harder.. than how I was feeling about the breakup between me and C. is how my daughter was taking it. Her and C were close. Though only on webcam and chat, they talked and typed.. and webcam chatted.. she seemed to really adore him. and was glad I was going to marry him. She really wants a brother or sister. And although M. might like her, I don't see them ever having the connection that C and Darian share. It makes me sad, because I feel like I've broke her little heart.

Looking forward to seeing Shannon this weekend. Hope I get some time to hang out with her. :) I never get enough time. Hopefully my car will be fixed soon. Who knows.