Stuff

In my closet in my head...
um.. just too much stuff going on in my head. I am thinking too many thoughts about the relationship between me and M. Too many things about the future, and what allready has happened. Both good and bad. I wonder where this is leading, and know that it is going nowhere, and wonder why I want to just see where it goes. Then I wonder why I say this to myself, and wonder if he will read this, and if he does, what will he say or not say. I wonder how he really feels about me, and whether he likes to spend time with me. I wonder why he's attracted to me, I wonder why he agreed to date me, or why he even wants to date in the first place. I always well, my goal in dating was always to get married, until now, and now, I don't know what to do with myself. Just kind of sit back and watch what happens. Enjoy the relationship, while it lasts. The thing is, he doesn't seem to mind if we have alone time, and I think that bothers me. Don't most guys want to get their girlfriends alone, so they can have their way with them? I just find some of the ways he is strange, and can't quite figure it out. I wonder if I'll ever figure out what it is I really need in a relationship, or if I'll ever find my true love, if that even exists. I feel like M. is more up for a more open relationship, or isn't ready for a commitment, but don't understand, why I felt obligated to dump C. I don't understand why M and I spend more time with his friends than we do alone. I enjoy his friends alot, they are great, but.. I want to spend time with M, while I have the chance to be alone, because soon, we wont have a chance in hell to be alone. Because he lives with his parents and I live with my gram. I guess, maybe.. I feel cheated because, maybe on an importance level, he is more important to me, in my life, than I am in his. I can't say for sure, because I can't read his mind, but that is how I feel. Maybe that goes back to the whole thing, him saying that he is selfish, maybe he was right, and he is.. who knows, its not for me to say or to judge. I just know, that I felt more important in his life, when we were just "friends". If that is saying much. That isn't exactly right either, he's been there for me alot, its just frustrating.. ..

Anyway... dropped another pound, went to the gym today, first time in over a week, felt good, but I'm exhausted, can't wait to go to the gym. Even ate less than 1, 000 calories today, and am stuffed!! whoo hooo. ( THanks LISA) I've had a pretty good day, had too many mood swings though. Wish they would stop swinging. Well, I'm off.