There will be. I struggle thru them. Trying to hold back tears. Trying to hold back anger. Trying to sooth myself, without being needy. Trying to feel normal.
I realize I never will be. I have to accept that. I mean, I know that... but I really really have to accept it. But there are other things I don't have to accept.
Questions I have, that I want answered. I just realized I was really upset about it. I was too caught up in love, and in what I wanted, until I started asking questions, I didn't realize how upset I was about not getting answers. I don't like sitting around, waiting. Waiting for answers. If I ask a question.. or have a question. I want to get over it. I am very frustrated at this moment. I've been feeling this anxiety for over 24 hours...
It got worse, when I got the mail today. I'm so frustrated with my life. There are so many things, and I'm stressed about them. Despite how well, I really am coping... I feel like I'm failing again. I feel like I'm on the edge of losing it. I keep telling myself that tommorrow will be different.. well today is tommorrow.. and tommorrow is Sunday...
I feel too anxious to show up at the Silent Cafe. Something I so enjoyed. My sign language class. I couldn't take this semester because of money. It fucking sucks. I have to work, to have money. I want to go to school. If I go to school full time, right now, its pretty much all paid for (well I need to take loans for books), but by just taking one class I got fucked. Got to love it. I'll get alot of grants too, if I went next term, but I hate the school I was going to. I have to pay off all that so I can get my transcripts. I wasn't even thinking about that till now.
I'm going to stop writing, because I'm spiraling. I have to find something to get me off the spiral, and sitting here typing about it won't do.
I think I'll go cry.
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