Is my life my life... or what?

I don't know why I wrote tha title, but right now, I'm feeling rather down, and crappy. Its my own fault though.

First I'm wondering, should I of went of the meds. I don't have the support system I want. I feel lost this moment. Then again, I'm thinking, I'm just down, because I had alcohol last nite, and its a weekend, and I'm lonely. (weekends are the worst!!) So that could be it too. Then I feel sunk down, and deeply sad... and start letting things spin out of control, but then I try to pep talk myself up, and tell myself this is just temp. I'll wake up tomorrow, bright and early, and be soooo happy to go to work. Which I will be, but now, I'm getting nervous about starting the job I was first hired for.... I'm not sure I really want to go to it anymore. It will give me money, and stuff, so I guess i will survive... I'll feel better if that's all I got out of it.

I'm so tired of living here with my aunt. Its like, when I say, I'll give you some money, when I get my money... she's begging me for it. She doesn't need it today, and i wanted to get my money straight, before I wrote her a check...but to no avail, I am not straight with my money, and had to write her one anyway, I'm tired of the whining.

You could tell it was a long and stressful week for me. I was so grumpy with her last nite, but I hate when people try to ask you all kinds of questions when you are doing something and trying to get out the door. That pisses me off. I'm happy though, I got my E-Z Pass... that's fucked up, I'm happy about that, but it will save me from rolling my window down twice and stopping twice on the way to work...

I'm glad I went and saw Suffrajett last nite. I couldn't tell if my friends where enjoying or not, but I'm glad they came. The second band sucked though, and they didn't stick around. I think they thought they had to stay, but when I was too busy talking to Simi (the lead singer), they realized I'd be ok. They left... but I wasn't there too much longer. I didn't want to be tempted to drink anymore. I sometimes am an love with the inhibitions that alcohol gives me. I was really hoping Danny would call last nite, but then I'm glad he didn't. I might of said something that wasn't very nice. And I can get loud and unruly, and I'd rather not do anything to hurt our relationship.

I have been so lonely lately. I really need some physical affection, and want Danny to be here to give it to me. I'm a bit upset because I wanted to see him already, and didn't get to. I would of been more than happy to go out there, but since I didn't even know where he lived, I couldn't of done that either. He didn't want me there anyway... so it was a pointless cause. I gave up on the thought before my birthday. But it still makes me sad.

Well I really can't think about this right now, it brings me back to all the things I want to talk to him about and can't. The things that keep being put off, and it makes me ridiculously sad, and angry, so I'm going to go in my room, and try to relax to get my mind off the tears that keep forming in my eyes.