I hate this feeling. The sadness the shame. Months ago, when I couldn't figure out what was happening to me, I became close with my best friends husband. Too close, and I couldn't stop him at the time, because I was scared, alone, and because having attention felt good. I made a mistake, and am still living with it. I am crying as I type this, because now, I have told C. and I feel like he has no understanding of the situation. I was so fucked up back in June. I cried whenever I was alone. I could not stand it. I let his words go thru my mind, because I trusted him, and he wasn't to be trusted. What do I do? I mean, he tells me he is only with my friend now because of the kids. What kind of marriage is that? My friends deserves so... so much more. But I don't want to be the reason they are not together. I want her to see for herself.

Last nite, he tried to kiss me, he tried to basically molest me. I repeated told him no, and he still didn't get it until I called him an asshole. He seriously, although, I have pushed him away repeatedly, thinks I want to fuck him. I didn't want to in the first place, but it happened. I can't change the past, I can only make the future different. I refuse to let the feelings I have defeat me again. I will not cut myself to make things better, I will not cry when I am alone. I will figure this out oneday. I just hope it is oneday soon.