I hate the pain of life, of living. These are the time, I sometimes wish I was dead. I can't stand the emotions, that flutter thru my mind, my soul, my heart. I don't know how to handle the pain. I don't know what to say. I don't know how to share. I just want it all to stop.

I can probably say I am doing better in my life, because I am NOT going to kill myself today. I will have to fight the feeling though. It will be hard... It is extremely overwhelming now.

I told C. over the weekend about the whole thing with I. I didn't know how he'd reacte, and I guess even though I told him, I still don't know. He's always so quiet. I guess I use sarcasm more than I've ever realized. He pointed that out to me, so I will have to learn to note that to myself, so I can try to change that bad habit. It hurts though. I don't like feeling stupid. I feel that we are argueing, and then he says things I don't understand.

Now I am about in tears, trying to cry for fear of letting it hurt more. This is something I will always remember, C. Says "i've never regreted whatever i've been doing in my life so far", then says "please,...PLEASE,don't make me this time" And I say, "please what honey?"
and then it hits me.. he is talking about us.. and our relationship. and then I say" Regret what? us?"and he says yes. I feel like I was just stabbed in the chest. I'm about in tears. I only fear the tears because my grandma and daughter are in the next room, and I don't want to share my pain with them.

I am starting to think maybe getting off the meds was a bad idea. Now I am thinking more clearly, and I keep more things in my head and I don't like this. I don't like feeling this pain. At least with the medication I was mostly numb. I don't know how to handle stress. I don't know how to live in the real world. How do I do it, How do I survive. Survive without the knifes, the blades, and pills. I'm hoping writing is the key, writing and sharing. So far it is starting to work, but it can't solve all my problems.