C., he officially asked me to marry him today. Then he started having all the worries of our future like I did. It was good to know that he had the same worries. Made me feel less crazy. He is just so wonderful, sometimes it doesn't real. Sometimes it feels so real.

My daughter made me realize, I need to do what is going to make me happy, and to try and not worry of the future. SHe is very interested about babies, and I try to explain to her the best I can. SHe was talking about babies growing inside me, and I tried to explain to her, that there needed to be a daddy for me to have a baby. I told her I would hope to have more babies after I am married. She told me I could marry my boyfriend C., and that the builders could build us a house and we could all live together. It was very cute. She is always optimistic, and makes things seem so easy to do. It was just cute, I guess you had to be there to actually see it.

I'm at the point now, where if we get along when we meet I don't feel I will have anxiety about getting married. I feel we communicate well, and can work thru anything if we really want to. This is what I've really always wanted was to be married, and to have my own family. I feel that if it isn't meant to be, I will change my mind beforewords. I have never gotten this close really to marriage. I am actually making plans. My gramma doesn't think it will happen, and if it doesn't it doesn't. I have made a wonderful understanding friend. He is a wondeful man. He has been here by my side, thru the worst in my life.

I have so many things I feel I need to tell him. Things I rarely share with anyone. I know they won't change his mind about me, but it is something that needs to be said.

I am having one of those headaches again. Trying not to take my meds, cuz I only have one pill left. I am about to break down though. I went to bed with a headache, and since I had a rough nite. My horn on my car woke me up twice last nite, cuz apparently it shorted... and was going off insistently. I still have that headache. I hate this feeling.

I had more dreams last nite. Can't remember quite what they were right now. I don't like these dreams much. I am almost off the Effexor though, down to 75 mg. Only a week or so to go. Still trying to get into a day program at the hospital, I have a lot of work to do on myself.