UM.. where to start...

Not even sure. Well, dumb ass J. has been trying to get ahold of me. His gf has problems, female problems, like.. of the STD type, and he's like.. well.. I was sleeping w/ her the and w/ you. FUCK HIM... if he gave me the right info though, he slept with her last, and hopefully, was not even exposed. Though.. the STD that it is, I was already exposed to, and well, .(wonders if I should continue writing) FUCK IT.. if people don't like what I write..and they are scared off.. oh well. Well the particular STD is a virus, they say you don't get rid of it.. It's HPV, I was diagnosed with it years ago.. (about 6) at that time they said you don't get rid of it.. new studies say you do. All my paps have been fine since. I get another pap tomorrow. I'm still worried, cuz I don't trust J. WHY THE FUCK did I sleep with him again. (cuz he was good) I'm such a dumbass. I can't believe he even tries to talk to me. They way he called and started talking to me.. I think he was trying to blame me for giving his ex... HPV.. but.. he told me she had problems, when I first started seeing her. I guess its still his current gf.. but who the fuck cares. FUCK HIM.. FUCK her.. and her sorry ass.. cuz she doesn't know what a dog he is. I wish I was evil. I'd make his life hell. I wish I could, but although, part of me is evil.. I couldn't even pay him back, for the pain he helped cause me. But.. if I do ever get the chance to talk to his gf. Believe you me.. she will know. .. I don't find that men lying to people is right. Especially when it comes to your sexual health.

Anywhooo...

I've gotten to talk to my favorite person, N. the last few days. Makes me feel nice. I really like him. More than I should. I probably shouldn't write about him, because he reads this, but its not anything, I wouldn't or probably haven't told him to his face. I just have this stupid school girl crush on him. And he doesn't feel the same.. (well I don't know how he feels really). And.. I know.. it will probably be like most my other schoolgirl crushes, sure he thinks I'm cute and nice.. and stuff.. but soon he'll find the girl of his dreams, and.. I'll be happy for him , and jealous at the same time, but that is when I'll know for sure, I don't have a chance in hell. Kind of like Michel. He knows... I still do think he's a doll, but I'm extremely happy for him and Stacy. Especially since I've talked to Stacy and gotten to know her a bit. She's a great woman, and I know she loves Michel very much. Plus they look adorable together. :) But.. anyway..

Still talking to MM. He's still sweet and nice, but.. has become a big perverted.. Um.. I'm sure my flirting has something to do with that, but I've really tried to behave. Especially since he's a virgin, but he's 23 and I guess just really horney... Who knows.. I can't figure out men.

Um.. and then, also talked to a guy, that wanted just phone sex today, from hotornot, one that blew up his microwave when he was drunk last nite.. and a few more that just want to fuck. Pretty exciting day.

I started my day hanging out with the kids at preschool. It was a blast, they love me. Today was the first day that I wore short sleeves there and a few of the boys asked about my scars. I really didn't know what to say. I just told them I got some boo boos along time ago. And that I didn't remember how I got them, it was that long ago. What do you tell kids, 3-5 years old.. I was fucking scared. I've always been scared the teachers will say something. and be like.. You are too fucked up to be around the kids.. or something. I have paranoia or something. I mean.. would you want a lady around ur kids if she SI'd? I don't know if I would, if I didn't do it myself. What do I tell them? I'm crying as I write this, its some scary shit. Its hard enough when adults ask, doctors ask.. nurses.. and such.. but what do you tell a kid, I don't even know if my daughter understands, except that when I'm sick.. I get boo boos.

I'm still trying to watch myself, I know this is the week, the thoughts come. Whether because of my womanly cycle or not.. Noone knows.. but.. I'm glad I have lots of people to distract me so far this week. No thoughts, feeling a little low though, my gram put me down a lot today, called me a thief... last nite.. a slut.. who knows.. what next..

I feel the pain inside,
Within myself I try to hide.

I feel the hurt within,
I can't even bear to grin.

I feel the anger in my fist,
I want to cut my wrist.

Cutting,
Self mutilation,
Self aggravation,
Agitation,

Lack of love,
lack of self,
Think of me
above all else.

I feel the pain...
Inside,
I want to hide.