Tears

Not sure where to start. I pretty much hate everything, and see no reason to live today, but I know in my head, that tommorrow, I will probably feel differently. I feel so lost and alone. I'm out of the loop. Partly because I'm sick, and then, also my car is at the garage, I've not seen any of my friends. I don't like this. I've been housebound.. for a while now. Seeing my family doesn't help. I just want to know someone loves me. I was supposed to hang out with M. today, but well, I guess he didnt want to hang out. I don't really understand, I know we were supposed to go for a walk and its crappy weather, and tooo damn cold. BUt.. in my head I thought he'd want to hang out anyway. I miss hanging with him, and the boys. I miss him even more. I don't know why. Maybe cuz when I'm with him, I feel loved. I feel like someone cares. I don't feel like that much anymore. I just feel tired of trying. I feel so alone. I have so many friends, but none of them can provide me with what I need. I can't provide it for myself. I don't know how. I wish I did.

All i want to do is cry, I have tears in my eyes. I'm talking with C. and I find how much I don't understand him, and his life. He wants to be with me.. and I can't say what I want, because I don't know. Part of me, doesn't him, and part of me wants to. Part of me wants to go to Romania.. and meet him. I know we would get along great. But I don't know. I don't think I could ever go there.

I just want someone to talk to right now.. and I have noone to call. Makes me feel useless, like I have no friends. I just want to push the ones I do have away. I hurt so much right now. I don't know what to do about it. I'll just stay here.. and cry.