I hate her, she's evil.

I can't say I've ever really said I hated anyone, until now. I hate my grandma, sure parts of me love her too, but right now, I want to do is choke the shit out of her. She's so mean, always putting me down, telling me i'm a slut, a liar, a thief, a whore, and worthless, any thing she can say to hurt me. Her dog is sick, so she's putting her to sleep, and also doing the same to my cat, because she wants to hurt me. I love my cat so much, she's always been there for me, she doesnt deserve this. She's a good kitty, I dont' want to lose her. She's been in my life for over 12 years. ... since she was a little baby, a kitten, just born.

I just hurt so much anymore, I can't stand my grandma even talking to me. I think part of it, is she just tries to make converation, but everything she does irritates me. She'll ask me things, right when i'm in the middle of something, or not answer me when I ask her something. She sits there and trys to talk to me while i'm doing my breathing machine, knowing I can't talk, or waits till i walk in the other room. I dunno, all i know is I don't know how much longer I can take this, and I have nowhere to go. Nowhere. I'm the lost girl.

Read an article today, about Borderlines, and all i've done since is cry. I don't know what to do with myself, with my life.... with Darian. It all hurts too much, living, breathing... why do i have to feel such pain? Why do I feel like I'm not loved?


Anonymous Account of the Borderline Personality
Disorder



THEORY

All the information on symptoms, behavior,
destructive tendencies,
random outbursts, insecurity, instability, etc
are unquestioned and
obvious - especially when you spend much time
around these people.
The descriptions cover all the amorphous
manifestations of this
problem. In my opinion however, the mental health
community has
apparently missed what is actually happening.
What they are seeing
aren't any number of spurious abnormal behavior
patterns, symptoms
or defense mechanisms meant to protect the person
from threat or
depression. As a matter-of-fact, much of their
behavior is quite
normal and deliberate. At this point, I hope you
are wondering how.

The reason their behavior is normal and
deliberate is because what
is being experienced by the BPD person and
witnessed by those around
them is predominantly: THE NORMAL BEHAVIOR OF A
CHILD. Of course,
the abnormality/problem comes in because these
people aren't
children - they're adults. Well, maybe they
aren't completely
adults - not yet anyway. Their
psychological/emotional maturation
was "stuck" (arrested), or more accurately stated
"trapped",
sometime in their youth due to some perceived
loss, real loss, or
abuse. From that point on, these people
essentially have only had
the identity components and relationship capacity
of the child they
were at the time of the loss (but definitely not
more than a
teenager). Their intellectual and physical
maturity continued
reasonably unabated, but what must be realized is
that each area of
personal growth can occur independently of the
others. What you have
in the BPD person is a physical/intellectual
adult and a
psychological/emotional child. They are only
doing what they know
how to do - what they were capable of at the time
of their perceived
or real loss!

There isn't any question that the
psychological/emotional child part
of the BPD person is distressed. It is fearful,
angry or depressed
depending on what caused its original trauma. It
is actually fear
and their subconscious misconception, "I can't do
this alone!", that
is part of the trap that prevented the person
from maturing.
Nevertheless, it is very easy to create a
psychological profile on
these people using the normal psyche of a child
as the basis and
couple it with what might be considered a
traumatizing component. If
you study all the BPD articles and psychological
descriptions
currently available, it almost jumps out that you
are looking at the
psyche of a child, a disturbed child indeed, but
still a child. It
should also be obvious that anything as pervasive
as the endless
list of so-called BPD symptoms suggests that what
you have is
general behavior, not ten thousand individual
defensive mechanisms
or symptoms all acting at once. If you don't see
this, then you are
undoubtedly as confused as the mental health
community evidently is.
While BPD behavior frequently seems chaotic and
irrational,
reconsider, isn't that what you would expect from
a distressed
child? What you have then is: a once severely
distressed child has
become what the mental health community has
labeled as a BPD adult;
an adult which frequently has uncontrollable,
erratic behavior. In
reality, the BPD label is truly insignificant,
what you actually
have is an adult with the "stuck" psyche of a
child.

I have read countless articles relating
information on the self,
self activating, and other self references. It is
more a semantic
rather than an actual discussion on the what you
call the self, but
for me, the self is your soul/personality; in
other words, who you
are. How your self (soul, personality or whatever
you want to call
it) interacts/relates in life is based on what
level of emotional
and intellectual maturity you have achieved (both
conscious and
subconscious). Therefore, the self is always
there, active and is
always a complete entity; maybe certain
components aren't in sync
with each other, but they are there.

The articles I've read tie all the pieces
together beautifully up to
the point of breakdown/loss; including all the
facts about the
breakdown, that the person was a child, and all
the ensuing symptoms
manifested by the person as an adult. From this
point on, each
article takes a departure into mysterious psychic
phenomena as the
source of symptoms and behavior. The mental
health professionals
have evidently chosen to neglect the key
ingredients in order to
force BPD behavior into the existing paradigms of
psychology.
Nevertheless, the key ingredients are: 1) you
started with a child
which obviously had the psyche of a child; 2)
something happened to
stop the child's psychological/emotional growth;
3) you now know
that you have an adult with behavioral problems;
but if you look
closely, their behavior is suspiciously similar
to that of a child.
Simple logic and common sense will tell you to
stick with a of line
of reasoning that includes the key ingredients;
don't take a radical
departure. If you start with a child and the
child stops growing,
one thing is for sure - you still have child! Any
extraneous psychic
involvement/elements are peripheral or
supplementary.

You can even map every so-called symptom/behavior
of a BPD to the
behavior of a distressed child.

Just for curiosity, lets map a few
symptoms/behavior and see what
happens:

SPLITTING/TRANSIENT BEHAVIOR:

When a child is two years old, his first lessons
are polarized -
good or bad. His learning continues in this
manner for quite some
time. All his behavioral teaching has polarized
overtones to
coincide with the limited intellectual capacity
of a child. He also
learns to attach subconscious feelings to these
conscious
lessons/concepts, for instance - love or hate.
From then on, (until
he matures) he can feel or express total love
towards someone
because of something good/agreeable, and in the
very next instant,
feel or express hate towards them because of
something
bad/disagreeable. Because he is still a child,
all these are
extremely transient and lacking in depth.
Polarized, short term
behavioral elements are very normal in children
and will continue
well into their teens; or unfortunately longer,
if there is a
problem.

PROJECTION:

Children either can't accept
responsibility/accountability for
certain aspects of themselves, certain
overwhelming experiences, or
don't want to be punished for bad behavior (even
internally by
feeling guilty), so it's a convenience to
displace responsibility
and put the blame on someone else. This is very
obvious behavior in
a child but takes on a little more sophistication
in an adult
because the mature intellect becomes a factor
which has a greater
capacity to manipulate/rationalize circumstantial
factors.

A child will deny bad behavior or transfer it to
someone else, even
if a parent/adult is completely aware or
witnessed what actually
happened. Nevertheless, a parent/adult usually
dismisses the
incident anyway as childish nonsense. However, it
boggles the mind
to witness an adult do the same thing; it isn't
normal mature
behavior. When an adult projects, what usually
ensues is some kind
of argument on what actually happened and who
actually did what. The
truly amazing part, though, is no matter how you
confront the
projecting adult, they will deny everything, the
same as a child
does. This truly is childish behavior - and it is
one capacity of a
child or a BPD adult.

If a BPD is emotionally stressed, they are
automatically in
the "trapped child" zone of their psyche. In this
area, they can't
see themselves as anything but a victim. Their
behavior is always in
response to an encounter, not the provocation.
The other person is
always the bad guy and is always at fault.

IDENTITY:

A child is intuitively aware of his dependence on
an external source
for his emotional, circumstantial, and physical
well-being. He
perceives himself as limited in his capacity to
deal with real-life
obligations and responsibility and really doesn't
want it anyway.
All he really wants is superficial
responsibility, the kind that is
fun and provides personal gratification but has
no real
consequences; leave the real stuff to the adults.
He wants his life
to be in the realm of fantasy and play.

If a child is thrust into what he perceives as
real-life/adult
responsibility and emotional/psychological
independence to soon (the
emotional abandonment or betrayal scenario), all
his limited
characteristics become evident and amplified. He
feels weak,
insecure, inferior, angry, unhappy, inadequate,
distrustful, etc;
all the real capacity of a emotionally hurt
child. As this child
matures, especially through adolescence, he
probably wont develop
healthy and mature replacements of confidence and
growth beyond his
childish limitations. Instead, as a substitute,
he builds a
fortress, an outward facade/image which gives the
appearance of
competence and security.

As he grows, he can sense his facade and that not
much inside
himself seems real; he therefore begins to feel
very empty and
hollow, even more so than a normal teenager does.
This is an early
and recurring sign that his intellect and his
emotions are way out
of sync. His conscious intellect is aware that
something is wrong
but he can't control or identify exactly what it
is; and,
unfortunately for the BPD, wont get any better.

If the child/BPD has some external attribute, you
will generally see
an exaggerated importance placed on these as part
of the cover,
substitute, and security for his lacking internal
psychological and
emotional maturity. Anything about his person, 1)
physical or
intellectual; 2) anything material, anything new
or lavish; 3) any
social ties, especially a number of close
friends/companions; 4)
anything to cling to as foundation or
fulfillment; all become part
of the facade and crutches for security.

Since children/teenagers are in constant need of
entertainment and
fun and are exposed to too much of the wrong
kind, the BPD person
will most likely pick up destructive habits as
sources of
desperately needed fun and relief. Mind flight
and escape become a
very important - even necessary - part of their
lives, and the
various sources that produce it also become
psychological/emotional
crutches.

RELATIONSHIPS:

A child initially idolizes his parents; they are
wonderful
superhumans, omnipotent heroes; so the child
worships and loves them
deeply. The child tries to emulate every aspect
of these people.
However, if something happens to damage and
breakdown the love bond
and idealization of his parent, the child feels
disillusioned,
betrayed and lost. He perceives himself as still
dependent but can
no longer depend on his parents, so he tries to
quickly replace the
parent personage by someone else that (in his
eyes) fulfills the
superhuman - hero requirements. Until this child
matures and truly
becomes independent, any significant other for
the rest of his life
will have to initially either have the perceived
superhuman quality
or provide some degree of circumstantial
security.

When a BPD person is an adult (in age anyway) and
engages in a
serious relationship with someone, a relationship
that should be
based on mutual adult love and sharing, it isn't
long before child-
like relationship aspects arise and cause
problems. The BPD person
is only capable of limited love but needs endless
love, the same as
what a child expects with a parent. The
significant other person in
this relationship becomes the parent replacement;
available on
demand to meet all the personal, emotional, and
circumstantial
needs; but, gets very little deep mature love and
consideration in
return. What this person usually experiences in
this relationship is
what a parent does with a child/teenager; 1)
sometimes genuine love;
2) sometimes casual indifference; 3) sometimes
sarcasm, smart-ass
attitude, picking, provoking, moodiness, and
irritability; 4)
sometimes withdrawal and depression. Part of this
behavior comes
from simple immaturity and part comes from the
threat that the
significant other person represents the capacity
to hurt, betray,
and leave. Any interpersonal stress/contention
can amplify these
mood tendencies. Down deep though, the BPD person
knows he is still
dependent, so no matter how badly he mistreats
his significant
other, he doesn't want the other person to leave;
the same as a
child didn't want his parent to leave, in spite
of how badly the
parent mistreated, neglected, or abused him.

These are enough examples; I think you get the
idea. Debbie, you can
map every BPD aspect in this manner, from the
simple more obvious to
the complex less obvious. I reiterate, they are
only doing what they
know how to do; their behavior is not a collage
of random elements.
Their behavior is primarily based on insecurity,
fear, and the once
severely hurt child-like psyche (which is still
present
now, "trapped") is extremely limited and
vulnerable to anything or
anyone that is a potential threat. These
limitations make them a
stressful/defensive person with three reactionary
dimensions. Being
frequently stressed or on the defense, BPD's 1)
overreact to simple
stressors; 2) get angry or become depressed on
moderate stressors;
and 3) go into panic, rage, or deep depression on
what they perceive
as overwhelming stressors.

Everyone, BPD or not, carries some degree of
psychological/emotional
immaturity into adulthood. The typical gap
between the intellectual
and emotional psyche is usually small enough that
interpersonal
conflicts are infrequent and minor; so, the
average person can
handle these with few serious life side
consequences. The maturity
gap between the psychological/emotional and the
intellect of a BPD
person is very wide and pronounced which causes
frequent, major
interpersonal conflicts. Since emotional
responses are reactionary,
all you need is an confrontation between a BPD
and someone else or a
circumstantial problem, add an extra emotional
stressing stimulus,
and then look out. Depending on the degree of the
stressor, you will
see the child-like response from the BPD
corresponding to the kind
and degree described above.

The mental health community speculates on
chemical imbalance and
genetics as the origin of BPD. Although these may
be influential
factors, more so in one individual than another,
I still think it is
more a developmental miscarriage than anything
else. I seriously
doubt that it is possible to do a chemical or
neurological test on
one of these people and find anything but an
imbalance. BPD'S have
experienced some kind of stress/anxiety every day
for years. While
it is beneficial to treat the imbalances and
provide temporary
relief, the cure remains to help these people
with the insight and
counseling that leads to a healthy
restructuring/reprogramming of
the emotional psyche. I am aware of several
undiagnosed people who
have over the years outgrown the symptoms and
behavior. It stands to
reason that life-side experience will eventually
dispel childish
concepts and close the gap. It also stands to
reason that the
greater the gap, or lack of its awareness, the
longer it will take.
The tragedy is that BPD people usually ruin their
lives and many
around them before they grow out of it. I can
also say that I know a
few that are quite old and still manifest BPD
behavior; but, they
are in absolute denial.

A BPD person essentially is the child they once
were, including
their age and complete psycho/emotional content
resulting from a
traumatic experience/loss; the most traumatic
loss of all - the
perceived loss of nurturing love. Love is a
general, pervasive and
necessary psychological requirement. If fear,
repression or some
other psychic mechanism interrupts the nurturing
realized by love,
the result is a general breakdown or failure, a
cessation of
emotional growth and maturation. When the
subconscious psyche is
accessed for behavioral reference and the
feelings necessary for
relationships, it brings up the latest version.
Unfortunately for
BPD's, the latest version hasn't been
updated/modified for many
years; it isn't adult, mature or healthy. For a
child/adult who
suffers from this, their lives are subject to
this condition and
will be until they can understand and overcome
it.

Permission granted by author who wishes to remain
anonymous.