Something I found.... August 15th, 2004

I was going thru some emails that I had....and saw this.... I wrote this to T. when we started talking more. This is the first email I have record of.

It explains alot of things to me, but makes me realize, I warned him more than I really thought that I did. I don't blame him for staying away from me. I just wish I could either get over him, or figure out how to get over him, because today, I've lost hope, and I don't feel that anything I do will matter, because he's stubborn,and thats one reason I love him.



Hi there sweetie.
Thanks for the email. Seems really... nice. Glad I read it tonite. Besides, I'm not one that could hold off reading it anyway. I'm not really sure why you like me. I mean, well part of me knows, that I am likable, but the part that stands out lately, is the part, that just doesn't understand anything, especially life.

I've really been wanting to die. I made a promise, ( I didn't say promise to you, but.. when I said I'd consult you first, I meant it, and to me its a promise). Peter asked me the same think, and I told him I couldn't promise him anything. I feel really bad about the relationship between him and I. I know, know matter what, he would never understand. He sees me as the only person that has ever been good to him. The only person that has shown him love. It may be true, I'm not sure, but that is just me, I've very loving, and giving in a relationship. I give too much sometimes.

I guess technically I'm single, ;) for today anyway. I don't know really what is going to happy between me and him. I do care for him alot, and he's been good to me. But from what I felt from the beginning of the relationship, is that he wasn't quite what I was needed, and I know that now. Just hurting him, hurts me alot.... especially when he's made me feel so good. He's been one of the most attentive men, I"ve met. Part of me, just wants to always stay single. I don't think I'll ever find a man I can spend my life with, and that is what in my heart I believe that I want. I want someone that is there for me every day, as I am there for them. Someone to talk to about my problems, someone to hold me and comfort me... a best friend. That is really important to me, that my husband be my best friend. Its really hard for me, it seems all my relationships move so fast, I just don't know what to do. I know I am needy, but it seems when I meet a guy I like and he likes me, I become more needy.. and I'm not sure what to do about it.

I'm glad I can share things with you. Athough, I feel sometimes the things I say, mite scare you or drive you away... I say them anyway, in hopes that you wont.

I'm getting tired, so I will end this here. Look forward to talking to you tommorrow. Hope your dreams were sweet.

xxoxoxoxoxooxoxo,

Julie