What Do You Want to be When You Grow Up?

Well, I want to be a race car driver....

Thats my humorous answer anyway. The answer that gets people to laugh, and talk about the past. But seriously.

Seriously. I'm already grown. Sometimes I feel twice my age. Sometimes I feel like a child again. Today, I've felt both. Already. And I've slept about 10 hours out of the day. So before I slept, I felt old. Old because of a conversation I had. I cried. For quite a while. I was sad. I was disappointed in myself. I felt regret. Why haven't I done more with my life. I tried to be more positive and think of the future. Then I got sadder. I thought about my man, and how, if I'm lucky, I'll be starting a career, when he retires from the Air Force. Yeah, how can I make a positive out of that. All I've ever wanted to do is go to school.

I love to learn. I could go to school forever. If I couldn't input the knowledge into my brain, then I'd think something was wrong with me. I'm scared. I have to do something with my life. Thing is, I like working. I almost always find something to enjoy about every job I've had. I enjoy being social, being friendly. I enjoy teaching people. I keep saying lately I want to be a teacher. Its ideal. And although I've always said I want to be an architect, I really don't see that being realistic.

But, my problem with teaching, is being accepted. Not that I don't think I can. But I constantly think about my scars. I want to be an elementary teacher. Do I wear long sleeves all the time? How do I explain it? I'd be constantly around people to see and judge me. My therapist has told me, by the time I get to that point, I'll have more confidence, and it won't matter. I try to see that, but I get questions from my daughters friends. I brush them off, and feel bad about it. I tell them I got hurt. Its a long story. Or if they ask, did a cat scratch me, I'll say ,"Yes" sometimes. I feel bad inside, lying to them. I don't believe lying can ever be good. Regardless if the lie is meant to protect.

So what do I do? Where do I want to be? Its hard. I just want to live day by day. I get upset about the future. I get upset about the past. I feel like no matter what I do. It won't matter. Right now, I just want to cry. I want to talk to my man about these things, and I can't because I can't handle being upset around him. I don't get to talk to him much, I don't want to spend 90% of the time crying. It seems like I do anyway. Right now, I feel like I'm going to loose him. I feel like I am not good enough for him. Actually I always have. I have nothing to offer him. All I have for him is my love. And I think he questions even that. I hope he knows I love him. He'll read this, and I'm sure we will talk about it.

I just feel so hopeless lately. I don't want to think about yesterday or tommorrow. I just want to get thru the day. I want to have hope for the future, but I feel like everything I do, I mess up at, and that he won't want to be with me.

I felt better after a conversation we had the other day, but now I'm back questioning everything again. I want him to spell out what he wants with me.

I want stability. I want love. I want unconditional love. I want a balance.