But now I'm doing better. Danny called. I was quiet, with not much to say.
My afternoon was quite melancholy, which turned to me feeling depressed, because I was so overwhelmed. I thought about all the things I posted earlier, over and over. I thought about thoughts of them. Then, I got depressed, because I felt like I was wrong about Danny. I went into my spiraling thoughts. I obsessed about him joking about his address. I obsessed about his not giving me his cell number. I obsessed about the things I obsessed about before. Then the thoughts of the meds, and this summer, and hurting myself.
So when he called, even though I was looking forward to the call all day. I sat in silence, hoping he'd tell me something about his day or something of interest, but instead, he asked me how my day was, and I said I felt sad, so thats where the focus went. I couldn't tell him I was obsessing again. I couldn't tell him I didn't want to talk, because I was shutting down. I just wanted to cry,and kept trying to not cry.
The phone call was rather unpleasant, until I said what I needed to say. He made a joke and made me laugh. I opened up and told him some of the things bothering me, and although I'm still stressed, I'm feeling much better.
I got really upset when he read my blog and said that the decisions, and worries I had had nothing to do with us, because they do. They are things I have to decide, but if we are truly wanting to be together, they will all effect us in the future. Thats what I think about. I don't think about just me, and what's good today. If that were the case, things would be different. I'm so confused as to what to do, and I'm barely keeping my head above water. I feel like every time I come up for air, someone is there with a boot on the top of my head pushing me back under.
Now I'm obsessing again, about things he said to me. I hate when I feel like this. I hate not being able to help him understand how missing him feels. I thought I would of seen him by now. That is what I thought the plan was. And still now, I have no idea when. I want to buy a plane ticket and just show up there, but that would be a foolish way to spend my income tax, when right now, we are just barely surviving... And then I still even wonder.... is the address I have for him correct? And get upset because he won't even confirm.. or say... " I live at... " What is so hard about that? What is so hard about giving me your phone number? Then I wonder why he's with me, and if he really has any idea what he's getting into...
I don't think he does.
Then I feel sad, and just want to run away. I want to get away from him, and my feelings for him. So I can minimize the hurt. I can't ever take it away, because I'm too much in love with him for that.
My life is different since I met him. He doesn't seem to understand why I'm lonely. Since I met him, I've lost two really good friends, and have been minimal in my contact with adults. My sister is also gone now too. Things weren't going good, with her here, but at least there was someone to talk to once in a while. Especially when she first came. Matt, still hasn't really talked to me, and its frustrating.. he's back to his can't make time for me, and it pisses me off. I really thought I was going to be mad at him when I got back, for the way he treated me when he started dating my sister, but I wasn't... and I reached out to him, and now, he's being flaky again. And I lost Gywnne, which partly is my own doing, but apparently she wasn't what I thought she was in the first place. All my "fans" have disappeared too... so thats another loss. I tell them I've met someone, and they stay away... for the most part. Then comes the part where I don't do anything on the weekends. The only person I can really go see is my best friend... and thats in Baltimore, and I've not had the money for that.
Then comes the other problem I have. If Danny calls, and I happen to be doing something... then I basically get screwed out of even having a small conversation with him. He immediately says he'll let me go. And I feel like I'm being pushed off the phone. I feel like he thinks everything is more important than him. All I want is to talk to him, and I'm willing to stop most things I'm doing because I feel the need to connect with him. I want to connect with him. I hate the way things are though. I hate that he never can tell me when he can call back. I hate the feeling I feel inside when I miss his call, and he seems like he's upset with me.
Then comes the next thing. He said tonite that I was "delicate". Its just a nice way to say what everyone else says. "You are too emotional. You overreact. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. You are always so moody. You take things too personal." Or what the Doctor's say, " You are Bipolar, You have Borderline Personality Disorder." Take your pick. Seriously. I just feel at some point it will become more of a problem, and he will get sick of me. I get sick of me alot, so its only a matter of time. I'm in group to help me deal with things like this, but only time and practice of developing my coping skills, will really help. I guess we have to wait and see.
So, even though, my sadness has came back, mostly because I'm writing about it here, I'm not feeling as bad as I was, and I'm happy and proud that I was able to open up a bit to Danny. Its so hard for me, and I've went thru so many relationships, suffering, because I couldn't speak up. I felt like I couldn't ask for help. I felt helpless. I felt like what I had to say wasn't worth it. I left all those relationships feeling unheard and unloved. I can't let anything like that happen in this relationship. I don't want to lose this man. He's too special to me. I just hope that he can be patient with me, and help me open up.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
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