Wondering

I wonder why I feel the way I do. I wonder why he came into my life. I hate feeling like this. I hate his words in my head. Him saying " I'm not good enough for you."

He read my email. Something I've done, to every guy I've dated, if I had half a chance. I guess it only bothers me, because I can't do the same. The email accounts that I can get into, he set up just for me. I want to get in and read the other one. Why? Just because I do.

I got a taste of my own medicine. An innocent email blown out of proportion. I hurt my man, and I didn't purposely do anything. I was feeling sad and lonely and depressed, and I wrote a bulletin on myspace, to try to get my friends to talk to me, without emailing anyone and saying how aweful I felt. And it hurts him. I don't know what to think about the situation.

I stop seeing my guy friends. I stop talking to the ones that were chasing after me.... and here I am alone. I'm alone, and want to be with my man, and I can't be. I sit here waiting. Waiting for him to call. Waiting for an email. Waiting for anything. He controls our relationship, and I can't do anything about it. I don't want to lose him, yet I feel so helpless, and thats not where I want to be.

I feel like he feels that I tell people he's a bad boyfriend, but despite anything that I write online... here, or on myspace or on yahoo... I tell everyone how wonderful he is. I truely feel like he's my missing piece. I was so happy when we were together. I was happy how things were before we met. We talked almost everyday. For a long time. Since he's been home, things are different. Its like well.. . I feel like.. its the whole, he won me over thing, now he doesn't have to try to do anything special for me. Thats not completely true, though, because he's been taking care of me, and helping me reduce some other stressers. I think relationships will always be stressful to me, though. I don't know how to cope. I never have. Its something, I'm just not learning.

I love him, and I have fears. Fears of us not working out, fears of us working out. Both are just as stressful. Is he really the man, that I'm meant to spend my life with? He's handsome, sexy, highly intelligent, and has empathy. He tries to be patient with me. But in the back of my head I have these fears. I wonder why he says some of the things he does to me. He tells me he loves me and wants to be with me, then I feel like I'm being attacked for my faults. He told me yesterday that I was selfish and everything is about me. That I don't understand other peoples feelings. I couldn't and still can't understand what he means. I just keep thinking about how selfish I am. How my sister told me the same thing. I keep crying about this. Right now, I'm in tears again. His phone went dead last nite, and he never called back, and I cried myself to sleep. I feel so much pain.

I'm done with myspace. I'm done with hotornot. I'm done with everything. Everything I do, seems to cause drama. The only email I've got from my man, in a long time... says..."I should add a bunch of girls to my myspace page and put up a bulletin saying I am lonely. I wonder how that would go over with you??? " & that really hurts. I don't understand why he would say such hurtful stuff. I know sometimes... I misinterrupt what he's saying.... but its getting ridiculous. I'm tired of all the drama. I'm tired of it all.

Now I want to cry for other reasons. My daughter is happy we are home alone all weekend. I'm indifferent about it. I don't really like being alone. But its been like.. forever since Darian and I were by ourselves. We've almost always lived with someone. I feel more secure. My brother, his girlfriend and his son were visiting and left, my sister, whose been staying with me, went up to have a procedure on her teeth, and my aunt, went up north to visit. My daughter said to me.. "its good mommy, then we have noone to boss us around" I asked her what she meant, and she said my aunt bossed us around alot. I said to her... what about when I boss you around, and she said she didn't care.

It makes me sad that I can't provide a place for her. Her own space. Our own space. All I've wanted is a family, and I don't feel like a family is complete with just me and her. I want a husband. Another child...

I just want to be happy. I know a man can't bring me that. I know its something I find on my own, but I really want to spend more time with my man, and see where it leads. I'm just afraid, that I'm only going to hurt him. I'm afraid I'm going to be hurt. I'm afraid he's never going to understand my issues & that I'll never understand him. I'm afraid my thoughts of jealousy will break us apart. I'm afraid we aren't going to make it. I'm afraid, that maybe its the wrong time for us. I'm afraid, maybe I'm the one not ready for commitment, I'm afraid, maybe he isn't ready for what I bring.... I'm afraid his job will be too much for me. I'm upset because I think these things. I'm upset because I'm so needy. I'm upset because I feel like he doesn't tell me enough about his life. I feel like he never answers my questions. I am upset because I feel like I'm not being listened to. I feel like alot of things are one sided.

I know he's trying to call more, but my concerns still are never resolved. I never know how to bring them up. I'm more able to communicate online, and all of this is really hard for me. I think the hardest part, is just not knowing. I feel like I don't know anything. I can't call and get ahold of him. I never know when he's going to call. I never know if he's home or working. And when he does forget to call, he doesn't even say anything about it. I guess sometimes I just want an acknowledgement of saying he'd do something and not do it. He comes thru for me on everything else. I want to see him. I just want to fly out there and be with him. I want to see him, and his life. Thing is, I wouldn't even care if he was at work most the time, because I just need a vacation, period. These people here are driving me insane.

I want to understand what he wants. He says he just needs my love, but I know he needs more. Whether or not, he realizes that, I'm not sure. I do love him. I just am such a mess mentally and emotionally... I don't expect anyone to deal with me. I can't even deal with me.

Lately my old thoughts of suicide and self harm come. I can't get rid of them completely. I'm coping with the thoughts in my mind, but I almost checked myself in. I just get so tired of trying to live, and not getting anywhere.