Aftermath

I'm still confused as to what else is going on. At least since blogger is no longer in its beta version, my blog isn't as public as it used to me. Many people seem to take my writing wrong though. I use this as my outlet, not for others to judge me, or what I do or don't say.

I don't know how to cope with my feelings, and I do make bad choices, and have bad reactions. I haven't seen my man in over a month, and I am lonely. I wanted my friends to see that, and give me a call, or whatnot. I am not used to having a man that I don't get to talk to as much. Its hard on me. I know from what he says, that he misses me as much, but it doesn't show so much in his actions. I'm always emailing him with rarely a response. I know he is busy with work. I want to be the understanding girlfriend but I guess I'm wanting too much.

I have this ultimate feeling to feel loved and needed. I feel loved when we talk. But when we aren't talking, I don't feel loved or needed. I try really hard to think of our good times, and all of our good conversations, but its still really hard.

I don't talk to my ex's or hang out with people that I know to purposely hurt my man. But it seems to hurt him anyway. I don't know where the boundaries are, or what I can do to make it up to him. I just want to know he loves me.

Just yesterday, I felt we'd worked on some things, and now I just feel so lost. I just want to sit and talk to him, and I still can't. I don't think anything will be resolved until we are physically together, and are able to talk.

I've had this kind of bad feeling, a concern, since shortly after he went home. Since I was talking about getting tested for STD's. He didn't bother to tell me that he went home and got tested. It hurt when I found out, because he didn't tell me. I am glad he got tested, but I felt so dirty. Especially since I told him I was a bit promiscious, and then asked him to get tested. Its not like I didn't get tested, but I felt so horrid, about my life. I hate some of the things I've done. I don't get over them. They still eat away at me. I just don't feel like I understand anything anymore. I feel like a little girl, curled in a corner, crying.