Relationships

(from Tickle Marriage.com)


Julie, the thing you need most in a relationship is Connection and Partnership

Intimacy, especially highly intense intimacy, can be very hard for some to manage, but for you it is ideal. Even though you recognize that it may require some flexibility to make it work, you know that the feeling of being intimately connected is worth the extra effort. You want the level of emotional intimacy to continue to grow in your relationship, and therefore you will remain flexible so as to not compromise your closeness as you go through changes and different stages together.

There are 2 overarching themes that determine the kind of relationship you ultimately desire: the kind of intimacy you want to have with your partner, and the amount of flexibility you want to have within your relationship.

But as concepts, "intimacy" and "flexibility" might seem too broad and vague to fully comprehend. Because of this, psychologists have broken them down into subscales that will help you understand more clearly what intimacy and flexibility really mean for you in the context of a relationship.

The kind of intimacy you want is determined by three subscales: the kind of support you want, the depth of connection you want, and the amount of sharing you'd like to do with your partner.

The amount of flexibility you want is also determined by three subscales: who's in control of the relationship, how much do you want you and your partner to grow with one another, and how many formal rules or guidelines do you want to establish in your relationship.

When taken as a whole, all of these scales together help identify the relationship best suited for you, they determine your ideal relationship.

Read on to understand more about them, and to see how you scored on all of them.
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Intimacy

Your ideal relationship involves a high level of intimacy. Basically, intimacy describes the level of emotional closeness that you desire in your ideal relationship. More specifically, when it's broken down, the level of intimacy you desire is determined by three distinct ideals: how much support you need, the depth of connection that you desire, and the amount of sharing you want to do with your partner. These three elements of intimacy — support, depth of connection, and sharing — are described below. But generally what this means is you desire a relationship in which you give and receive a lot of support and in which you feel intimately bonded with your partner. You believe this will create a high level of trust and respect in the relationship. You also want your partner and you to be able to openly share your experiences and feelings with one another.

As indicated earlier, your intimacy score is composed of three parts: support, depth of emotional connection, and levels of sharing. Given its complexity, intimacy can look quite different from one relationship to the next. You can get a better idea of what makes you more or less of an intimacy-seeker by looking further into these three aspects of intimacy.
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Support

Supportiveness is characterized by the level of acceptance you have of one another's flaws, the fairness of your interactions, as well as the level of respect and trust you have for one another. These traits vary depending on your personalities and how strongly you feel about one another.

In your case you desire a very strong level of support in your ideal relationship. You believe that if you can be trusting and respectful towards one another, it will permeate everything the two of you do together. You are accepting and warm, generous with one another, and determined to be fair.
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Depth of Connection

Depth of Connection refers exactly to the level of connectedness in a relationship. When you're deeply connected with someone, you're sensitive to the time you spend together and the frequency with which you are together. At this level of connection, any change in your bond can be disruptive. Depth of connection also refers to the degree to which each of you strive to accept and understand one another as a unique individual. Lastly, depth of connection also involves how much communication you desire and the amount of unity you want in your relationship; some couples remain more separate than others even though they are committed to the relationship, while others prefer such a close merger that the two people effectively become one.

In your case your ideal relationship has a high level of depth. Your ideal relationship would have you so joined at the hip that any time spent apart might at times feel intolerable. You enjoy getting to know everything you can about your romantic partner — who they are and what they want in the relationship. It's important to you to spend almost all of your time together so that there is a sense of security in the relationship. With this level of depth, it can be somewhat threatening when separation appears likely or imminent. But the joy of being deeply and intimately connected is a stronger force than is the threat of losing that person.
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Sharing

People share many things in a relationship. You may share some aspects of yourself and not others. Or it might be very important to you to share everything. How much sharing you desire depends on your need for privacy as well as how well you want to understand life from another person's perspective. Sharing means telling each other about what you're thinking and feeling, the life decisions you're trying to make, your dreams and hopes, as well as your past experiences. Disclosing these things is more comfortable for some than it is for others.

In your case your ideal relationship is full of sharing. You want to know your partner's dreams, thoughts, feelings, aspirations, hopes, past experiences — the list is really endless. And you want to share the same with them. This level of disclosure and intimacy is what makes a relationship complete for you — your ideal relationship, at least. You want to share your life with your partner as fully as you can. For you, that means building a partnership where you can be honest with what you are feeling and where there are no surprises jumping out at you as a result of your partner failing to fully share with you.

Now let's look at the second dimension that helps determine the shape your ideal relationship should take.
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Flexibility

Your ideal relationship also involves a high level of flexibility. Flexibility refers to many different things, including your willingness to grow with your romantic partner over time, both as they change as well as when you change. Flexibility indicates your tolerance for weathering storms and for enduring those difficult challenges in life that arise. It also includes the balance of control in your ideal relationship -- the more that either party is controlling the relationship, the less flexibility there is. We will delve into each of these aspects later sections of this report. But generally what it means for you is your ideal relationship has an even balance of control between you and your partner, can weather and tolerate change well, and is free from any overly restrictive rules, guidelines, and so forth — you are each allowed a considerable amount of freedom and breathing room in your relationship.

Now let's take a closer look at various aspects of your flexibility score. For this test, your overall flexibility score is determined by three subscores: control, growth, and formality. You can get a better idea of what makes you more or less of a flexibility-seeker by looking further into these three areas and by seeing how you measure up on the different scales.
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Control

Control is determined by evaluating several different aspects of the power balance in a relationship. First is something called "locus of control," which essentially indicates whether or not you feel that you have some hand in steering the direction of your relationship. Obviously it takes two to tango in a relationship, but that doesn't always mean that each of you have an equal feeling of control. For example, does one of you tend to always get blamed when something goes awry while the other receives every bit of credit when all is well? Another aspect is the authority you assume or want others to have over you — do you like to take charge in a relationship or do you like your partner to have the reins? Lastly, control involves the division of responsibilities that each party in a relationship is willing to take on. Essentially, do you want to handle all of the tasks in your relationship or would you prefer for your partner to do almost everything for you?

In your case you like to be in control, to dictate what is done, and are comfortable making decisions that affect the both of you. You are willing to take responsibility and be accountable for both what goes wrong and what goes right. Overall you are the power holder in your ideal relationship.

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Growth

Your desire for growth with your romantic partner is the second area that contributes to the overall flexibility dimension. Desire for growth varies greatly from person to person and is dependent on several different things. First, growth is assessed by your willingness to weather the changes in your relationship and by how much change you are comfortable and capable of enduring. This aspect gives an indication of just how much you would be willing to sacrifice in order to stay in a relationship that is working for you. Are you out the door at the first sign of danger or are you willing to take the changes in stride so that you can stay together? When your partner goes through hard times, will you be there when they emerge from their slump? All of this is indicated in your growth results.

In your case your ideal relationship is very strong and committed to growth. Regardless of the changes that you may face, you will stick together. You are willing to sacrifice a lot for one another and for what you think is right. No problem is too big for you to deal with together— you are committed to doing everything you can to work things through.

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Formality

Formality is third component of the flexibility dimension. It indicates the degree to which you desire a structure and a set of guidelines to govern your relationship. Rules are the biggest part of formality and where you can see the most notable differences between partners — some people run their personal lives as a business and others operate as a free-for-all. Depending on the level of guidelines, rules, and conventions you are comfortable with, your formality score will vary.

In your case your ideal relationship is pretty formal. You believe in rules and regulations — not just for work or school, but for home too. With structure you are at your best and your relationship is more apt to thrive. Others might view your desire for formality as a little too rigid or structured, but for you, this is entirely comfortable. The trick is in finding someone who shares these same ideals and who knows that it is possible to become close even within a formal structure.

At this point, you should have a really clear picture of what your ideal relationship looks like. This in-depth understanding of what you value should be helpful to you as you continue the quest for your life partner. After all, if you know what you want, you are more likely to recognize it when you see it.

But, once you find your mate, it is likely that you will hit some bumps in the road — after all, it is rare relationship that doesn't have some difficulties. As such, we want to give you some personal insight and tools that can help you avert relationship problems and pave the road for a smooth relationship ride.
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Problems You Might Encounter


Every relationship has problems, so you should come to expect some difficulties and do what you can to prepare for them — without also driving yourself crazy trying to stop bad things from happening. Depending on your relationship style, there are some particular problems that you are most likely to experience in your ideal relationship. You may not be able to prevent these problems from happening altogether, but when they do strike, perhaps you will be able to solve them more quickly.

Ultimately, with enough practice, you will be able to spot problematic patterns that are inherent to your relationship style and even anticipate them before they happen. That way you can keep your relationship in tip-top shape. After all, we all know that the ideal relationship is hard to come by. But with an understanding of your personal relationship style, creating a relationship closer to your ideal is well within your reach.

As you recall, your ideal relationship style is characterized by a sense of Connection and Partnership. You tend to want high levels of both intimacy and flexibility in your romantic relationships. You are drawn toward passion and intensity and therefore you need to make sure that you have someone as hungry for this as you are. You are also really committed and willing to go the extra mile to keep your relationship strong — of course, you expect the same perseverance from your partner.

The only problem that can occur in this relationship style is when one of you really needs the other to conform to their needs or give more than normal. Because you desire a healthy balance of power and flexibility in your ideal relationship, it may be hard to adapt when these levels shifts. The way to deal with this is to recognize that this doesn't necessarily reflect an underlying flaw in your relationship nor does it necessarily mean that you aren't suited for one another anymore. If you notice this happening, be steadfast in building your connection and don't let the intimacy wane. If you remain connected and close while you're struggling through changes, you will be in a far better position to decide whether this person and your relationship are a good fit for you.

Now that you have some actionable information for how to avoid the potential pitfalls of your relationship style, let's take a look at how committed you are to finding true love.
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Your Desire for Commitment


In the Ideal Relationship test, we asked about your interest in long-term love and your willingness to commit in general. From your answers, Tickle has generated your commitment level score. This is based on your ideas about long-term relationships, ever-lasting love, and how focused on finding a partner you personally think you are.

On a scale from 1 to 10, you scored 9.

As you could probably guess, there really is no right or wrong answer to what constitutes the perfect level of commitment. What matters most is what feels best for you at this moment and that you are clear with yourself about what you want before you throw your efforts into a relationship.

No matter the level of commitment you desire, it is usually best to communicate what you want upfront. However, this is easier-said-than-done, because most of the time people don't have the benefit of knowing where they really fall on the commitment spectrum until it becomes clear later on in a relationship.

You may think that you have no interest in a serious relationship — and then one day you meet that spectacular someone. Or the reverse may occur and you may suddenly realize that you really don't want a relationship after all. Fear is one huge obstacle to a commitment, whether it's something a person realizes they have or not, and it can derail what could be an ideal relationship. Given that commitment desires are hard to pinpoint, even in yourself, it's a good idea to at least try to align goals for the relationship and to get straight with your partner on your general feelings about love.
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Relationships that Work
What works in a relationship can vary greatly from one couple to the next. After all, each individual has unique needs so there couldn't possibly be one secret formula for creating a perfect relationship for everyone. However, research does show that there are patterns that tend to lead more often to mutually satisfying, pleasurable and steady relationships.

You can look at your ideal relationship qualities as examined in this report and compare them to the qualities that have been shown to be characteristic of relationships that work. Based on this comparison you can decide whether the ideal relationship in your head is the one you want to keep for all time, or whether you'd like to bend it a bit to match more of what has been shown to work for others. Granted, what works for others might not work for you, so in the end, you may to need to simply listen to your gut and follow your heart.

10 ways to make your relationship more successful:
1. Make sure you want to be in a relationship and that the person you are with
is right for you.
2. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt — assume that they are trying
their best to make you happy and are acting with your best interests in mind.
3. Be a little flexible in terms of how much closeness and togetherness you need.
4. Learn how to communicate in ways that will promote your relationship and
build closeness and understanding between you. For example, show respect,
not criticism.
5. Learn how to love yourself and how to be in touch with your own emotions —
don't deny or suppress what you may be feeling or thinking.
6. Find ways to keep the passion in your relationship alive.
7. Learn to tolerate adversity and stress.
8. Experience life together as an adventure.
9. Accept each other's idiosyncrasies when it comes to sex — working it out can
only maximize pleasure.
10. Take time out of each day to grow your relationship together.

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I find this to be really true. It makes me want to be with T. more. And I understand my desire more to make things work. But I guess when you look at it like this, he doesn't have the commitment to make it work, and he wouldn't be right for me in the long run... because he couldn't stick around now...

Either way.. it still hurts... I still love him, and I still want him. I wish every nite, that he was with me.. in my arms. Last nite, he was really sweet, and I wish he really meant what he said...

I was really upset last nite, and crying.. and hurting, feeling suicidal.. and he said... he wished he could be here to hold me.. that he wished he could do more.. and he said. something about... you should of called me earlier.. I would of came over.. I wish.. If I called him every time I wanted to be with him, he'd consider me a stalker and have me arrested. Every time I get the urge to call, I try to talk myself out of it, cuz it just causes me heartache when I don't hear back from him. I love him so much, and it wasn't supposed to be this way.. he told me he wanted to marry me... I believed it.. I believed that one day.. we'd be together.. I believed that I was important to him.. and that he loved me....

now.. I'm just lost, and don't know what to believe. My daughter loves him so much, I love him so much... Its so hard for me to deal with the pain I've caused him, the fact that I was smothering him..

I don't know how to deal with this..
I just want to curl up in a ball and die....